Should I stay

When my husband retired he read books a lot and listened to classical music. These have been lifelong 'hobbies' for him. I am the opposite, but have made my own path in life.

We both respect each other's need for space, and I enjoy my own company at times.

I'm not sure leaving him is the answer. You need to think about whether you would regret such a move, and some 'what if' scenarios.

My sil left her husband of 40 years, and though she is with another man, she still has regrets. Be careful, is life really that bad?

I think in your position I would develop my own interests and disregard any opposition.

I wish you well. xx

Honestly he is not depressed he couldn't be happier he always used to watch sport after work before My mum was the same she married my dad and he was cricket mad and used to leave her sitting alone or my dad would have telly on cricket and another match on the radio at same time . I can't believe I'm doing the same thing as my mum except I don't have children I can turn to or many friends either I'm not old I'm 57 and work full time which does not allow a lot of time for things except to watch tv we also have dogs so I would love to leave him but unlikely nowhere to go ??

We have totally different interests as far as TV goes, but we record some and watch when we're on our own and there is a lot of compromise. I also watch on my iPad sometimes. I think it's time to make a stand and also suggest going out for lunch or the cinema. Don't wait for him to suggest anything. I agree with the others that you should start to do things on your own as well.

I can just imagine the fireworks if the OP dared to turn the TV off!

Here's one...switch the TV off. But before doing that, plan a few days away. When you are not around waiting on him while he watches TV it will force him to see that you are not around as much. When you get back, sit down and have a chat. He may be getting into a bad rut. Unless you feel as if he is controlling you, please don't leave your marriage.

I agree with Marion, in that he may be depressed or at least reacting to retirement. I find with my OH that a small jaunt out somewhere helps. I tend to say I need help going to a Day store or we go to coffee at Waitrose. I tend to read or use my tablet, head phones is a great idea. Also I knit, only squares, but I find that soothing. A routine helps, so he gets used to you going out for a couple of hours on a specific day. Or could you both join a tennis club? Or a bowls club? Perhaps a visit to one might help. Does he have any friends?

I am still muttering.

The actual heading to this thread is:. Should I Stay With My Husband.....the heading often gives more insight than what has actually been said.

Hi Bettyboo22

Have you tried joining some groups?
Coffee mornings, Swimming?, The WI?
Sounds like you need to get out and meet people so that you don't rely so much on your husband.
There is usually loads going on if you start searching - courses, meet-ups act...
and it will do you the world of good!
When my hubby's watching sport I watch stuff on my Mac either on Amazon prime or catchup tv.
Open yourself up to other possibilities and start living again xx

He is not depressed that's for sure no way I am because when he's watching sport I'm on Facebook all the time and yes I do go shopping and stuff . He has no interest in coming with me or joining any clubs at all

If he joins clubs or activities and doesn't like it if you do, then that is a worrying sign of control. My father was like this with my mother. He worked shift work and never wanted to do anything with her so she was always on her own. She joined a local country club and he was very nasty about it. I was surprised she stood her ground and carried on going.
I think that puts a whole different complexion on things. Unless you can think of a reasonable number of positive things that you gain from this relationship, this seems a good time to end your life happily doing what you want to do, even if that just means watching your own choice of TV programmes.
I live on my own and am definitely happier than I would be if I had stayed with some of the men in my lives.

Is it really worth abandoning a marriage over? You need to take responsibility for your own happiness of course, and if this is the only way (and only you can make that decision) then do it, but if there is something worth saving then get out into the community as people have so wisely suggested and make your own life.

Just a thought but have you considered he may be depressed? The TV might just be a way to silence all the stuff going on in his head about not being needed/part of the team stuff that retirement triggers in some people.

Another tv, some hobbies, join a creative class, activities that don't require a partner, hopefully you drive? Go shopping for the day, visit museums etc etc join U3A or Townswomens Guild or Womens Institute, gardening club, flower club, go on a coach day trip....just get yourself out and leave hom to get his own food.

Does your DH have any men friends or other family members you could ask to chivvy him into getting out more- maybe to watch live matches? I do worry that if you go out to do your own thing that he will vegetate more and may become depressed. You do seem to me to care about him and don't want to upset him- I don't see that as 'controlling' on his part.

Bettyboo22. For starters a 'best on the market' Tv and a singles holiday to cheer you up.Too drastic?
This may or may not give DH a kick start 'hello, remember me,? the woman you married x years ago?
This is not an uncommon situation between couples in retirement but on a personal note do you still have the same feelings for him as you did the day you married.?
Could you hear yourself saying 'I can't live with you but I can't live without you.'

Yes, none of our advice seems to have been useful!

Yes I saw, I was speaking generally, but as has happened before in other cases, OP's dissatisfaction with her husband appears to be developing another dimension from her original post.

The OP's posted twice this morning Mawbroon - reiterating how her DH wouldn't take it at all well whatever she did!

karenD may have a point.
It is a not infrequent occurrence that somebody starts a thread at the level of "my recently retired husband sits around all day watching TV" which then escalates at about 1-60mph in as many seconds to counselling/Relate/LTB/financial advice etc
Perhaps the choice of TV prog is the final straw on the camel's back or perhaps somebody feels they need attention.
At any rate it brings out the best in GN re relationship counselling lots of advice.
Oh and of course OP usually disappears off the face of the earth leaving everybody wondering... ..

When sport is on TV I watch what I want on my laptop with full headphones so I don't have to hear it (the yelling and chanting at football matches drives me mad!). DH doesn't mind because we are still in the same room and he still feels he has company.

You need to talk to each other properly and be honest. Your expectations of retirement and your husband's are obviously very different. What you might have thought would happen has"nt and it won't be solved just by buying a second TV. I worked in supported housing before I retired and met many people ....two spring to mind here. One lady who came to view a flat because she could no longer bare living with her husband because he was a control freak, and since their retirement it had become unbearable living with him and felt the only way forward was to give him a much needed wake up call. She was offered the flat..then at the last minute turned it down persuaded by her adult children to stay! I used to see her occasionally at the shops ...very downcast and wishing she had made a different choice. The second person I met when I went to work at the next place had already left her marital home ...because of complete and utter boredom! The arguments they had because of his unwillingness to do anything except watch the telly..while she was like a recycled teenager that never stopped doing. Her adult children did not take sides but supported and loved them both equally. I think the lack of conversations between couples BEFORE retirement is half the problem.When still working with more structure and focus to the day retirement seems like heaven to some...and a nightmare to others. Whatever you do and I"m not suggesting you throw in the towel..but highlighting the extremes that some people feel driven to in exasperation. You are as important as your husband is ...shock him...dance on the table naked...but get that conversation started.

I agree with Devongirl title of post is more than just getting another tv, seems to go much deeper than that surely.

I think some counselling or psychological therapy for you Bettyboo, is a good idea. You need to explore yourself, your own needs and how, over the years, you have been subtly manipulated into avoiding doing anything that he wouldn't like. This would help you to understand the dynamics of your relationship and develop some confidence. Even if you decide to leave him, you will need that, as he probably won't accept it quietly. His likely reaction to you doing anything really ("he would get the hump") should not be preventing you from living your life. We only get one. This isn't a rehearsal!

not sure whats happened to this forum, but most everyday i get a notification of a post and its somebody moaning . im pretty sure its the same person starting all these threads [perhaps using different aliases?]
they always write in a certain style, often moaning about their daughter / partner , "at my wits end ....what can i do?"
They get the usual gamut of helpful replies .

I'm R3 listener and enjoy weekly Aquafit group, local choir, I read, play computer games and have a whole range of things I enjoy. He gets up mid-afternoon and turns on TV - I may catch up with occasional classic drama (just watched Roots and currently into Poldark). Occasional films, sometimes catch up with Corrie or Emmerdale, but normally wouldn't bother to have TV in house. But absolutely loathe daytime repeats of things that weren't worth watching first time round!!! But I ignore his viewing and vice versa!