Should I stay

Bettyboo I just wanted to chip in with my 10p's worth. I dread getting to 60 and finding I'm in a loveless marriage - like so many others these days. The longer you've been together, the harder it is to leave, especially if you like them. You've left him once and it doesn't sound like the reconciliation worked. Don't waste the rest of your life, take the first step to a new start. Good luck, what ever you decide.

beehenny crossing everything for you to get into the sheltered accommodation.

I am fortunate enough to have an iPad and when the cricket is on which is a lot, I put my earphones in and watch BBC iPlayer or itv hub on it, so we are in the same room but I can watch what I like without feeling unsociable. Is this something you could do.?

beehenny your post certainly puts most of our day-to-day grumbles in proportion.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. You don't say if this man is the father of your children, but I hope that they will give you support in the future whatever you decide to do.

Bettyboo you tale seems to be about so much more than the tv programmes it sounds, correct me if I m wrong, as if in one way or another your marriage has always been like this ( quoting the Greek holiday etc) so did you think it would change when he retired
57 is very young and you could be tied to this solitary confinement for another 30 + years is that what you want?
Do you even love this man? can you name half a dozen things which mean you couldn't bear to be without him if not I d be GONE There's a big world out there and life's too short to be in a situation you're not happy with

beehenny Sat 01-Jul-17 14:25:25 Oh my dear... I am so heartbroken for you. I hope your sheltered flat comes up soon, and agree with Lyndie. Divorce will get you a settlement and security. If he assaults you again like that, I would call the police!

Betty Hope things get better for you.

"YOUR rights" of course.

What a great advertisement for marriage bettyboo's OP is and we complain that young people today don't take their relationships seriously. It can't surely be the first time cricket in the TV has been named in a divorce court?
I'm sorry, but I can't take this seriously, you are 57, working, no children or grandchildren to complicate your life. There are members with terminally ill husbands, husbands with dementia, widows and couples with tragic scenarios. And you moan about his choice of TV prog? If there is nothing more to your own life than TV perhaps you need to look closer to home.
Beehenny yours is a very different and potentially dangerous situation. If your OH has taken to physical abuse when drunk or angry, that should be a matter for the police. See a solicitor (without letting on to your OH) to find out what our rights are. I believe you are entitled to a proportion of his pension, but your physical safety is the important thing right now. Could your grown up children help with temporary accommodation? Good luck

Seems to me that you are young enough and working so able to leave if you want to. You can't expect us to give your OH a makeover, he is as entitled to be himself as you are to be you. Either you have to take on board some of the excellent suggestions here or you just get on with it....maybe you are having a mid life crisis ...plenty of peope do.

Only you can make yourself happy, I wonder what you reason is for not doing so ?

I know without a doubt he don't not want to start up a new interest or join clubs that's not him he is not depressed at all he's happy and he's even happier I think when I'm not there . We have no children

What do you mean by everything? Obviously there's more going on here than TV.
MDH has no interest in anything apart from tinkering with his Meccano.
I felt guilty at first as I have a social circle and also go to choir, he gets a bit miffed if he has to cook tea on choir night, do I feel guilty? Noo!
As advised you need to sit down and be honest with your spouse and hammer out some rules on your free time, TV, my poor husband doesn't even know how to turn it on? ?
Sort it before you get too resentful and do something you can't undo.

There is much to consider: He obviously hasn't accepted that he is no longer a useful working member of where ever he was before and is losing himself in whatever interests him most so as not to think about it or cope with what he should be doing with himself! This is a typical male situation - I saw it with my father and it drove my mother mad! It is much harder for men to accept retirement, plus they aren't as outgoing as we ladies. Nor do they say how they are feeling! So, get another TV, but don't isolate yourself from your sitting room - let him move to the other one sometimes if he must. Sit down and talk about what you might take up as a new challenge together - something neither of you has done before maybe; or produce a bucket list of things to do and places to visit. Go out for walks and pub lunches. Join in local community activities and most certainly volunteer onto local committees or charities. We are in our 70's and are constantly "on the go" with so many things that the only way I catch up with TV is on playback, usually in bed!

What worries me, however, is your question "Should I leave him?" Is anything else wrong? Have you been drifting apart for a long time maybe, or have not much in common any more? That is an entirely different situation and only you can decide whether you want to start again. I did, after 24 years of marriage. I was lucky to meet someone else after only a few months and we've been together 20 years now. However, my marriage was really dead in the water and I did not want to stay in it. Do you have children? You don't mention family and that does make a difference when you have visits and maybe grandchildren to enjoy together. There's been lots of good advice from everyone so take your pick and try a few things out. Remember, he's in uncharted waters with his retirement and is probably scared stiff about what he's going to do for the rest of his life. Men are from Mars - so Venus woman, get him sorted!

bettyboo22
On a score of 1-10 how happy would you say your marriage has been over the past 19 years. I know you mentioned the Greek debacle but how bad has the rest of it been.
By the way, from all the information that you've given here, I'm on your side.
From my perspective your still a young woman. When I was 57 we were about to move to another country, done that, bought a motohome and visited every country in Europe and a few outside.
What I'm trying to say is: there's a big world out there. Don't be scared, I've always found in life that there are a lot of nice people ready to help.

He knows how I feel about the cricket twice I've left had the house to live in and everything and he says he will change but no it's ok for a while then it starts again it's not just the sport thing it's everything

Before you opt for the 'nuclear option' by putting an end to your marriage, I would at least give your husband a 'heads up' as to how unhappy you are and why. On the bright side, he doesn't spend all that time at the local pub or chasing other women, so there is that.

Spending entire days living life precariously through a TV screen, smacks of depression. Retirement for some (especially workaholics) can be daunting. Many people don't know what to do with so much unstructured time on their hands, so they choose the paths of least resistance.

Nonetheless, it's not fair to be this resentful towards your spouse and then acting upon it, without ever letting him know how you really feel. An important part of this conversation should be that you both agree to seek counseling (as others pointed out) and that in the meantime you both start exploring activities that you can enjoy together.

tiffaney
Leave the bastard. Hope that doesn't offend but you did ask

Sorry there should have been 2 more stars in there!

I'm still struggling to understand whether LTB means 'looking to buy' or 'leave the b**** .( I've led a very sheltered life!).

did you discuss what you visualised retirement would be like before he retired? Is his sports' viewing every day and all day the way he spent his weekends before? If so, what did you do then?

If this set-up is getting you down to the point that you are considering leaving, which the title of the thread suggests, then you need to answer some pretty serious questions.

Do you really want to leave? Can you afford to do so? Where will you live?

Whether you decide to leave or to stay, I think you will need to turn the TV off and discuss things with your DH.

Tell him frankly that you just cannot continue the way things are now, but try to make some really good suggestions as to what you would like your and his life to be, if you decide you want to stay.

I don't know where you live, town or country, so I don't know how many of all the good suggestions others have made are applicable. You do, so look into outside interests for yourself and try to suggest some for him too, if you are carrying on that is.

If you decide to leave, you are going to have to discuss that with him too. Presumably he thinks everything between you is just fine, so he's in for a nasty shock when you tell him it isn't fine at all.

Was there something about you Dad that you loved, perhaps that's why you married someone like him?
Personally I can't stand sports yet my sisters love it so we when we go out of town they rule the TV which is irritating. So I know how you feel but I don't live with my sisters.

Leaving is hard I know I left my husband back in 1995 and never remarried. My single life rocks compared to my former married life. If you are feeling trapped in the relationship like you have no where to go and you don't think you can support yourself on your own it makes things super difficult.

I had to leave my husband he was a drinker and was hitting rock bottom and we had 2 young children. So my choices were almost made for me.

While I sympathize with you and your aggravations with tv I think if thats all he does wrong you might have yourself a winner! I think it would be good if you worked on your marriage and in the mean time try to plan out an alternative arrangement if you just can't deal with it anymore.

That last reply was for mawbroon

Thank you so much you don't know me and I find your reply offensive I go out full time work I cook the dinner on return I expect nothing love . But what I'd like is a husband who considers me and not himself so in reply to you I Deserve Better

Oh beehenny. How awful for you. You will be financially better off if you divorce him but being in the same house would not be easy. I hope you can sort it out.

Bettyboo. I think you have decided you want to leave. It's scary, isn't it. ?

HI Bettyboo 22, I have been a member of gransnet for ages now but have never posted before, but your thread has touched a nerve. I sympathise whole heartedly with your dilemma, I am in a very similar position. Mine OH is very controlling, he has just cashed in his very considerable pension pot, and it's all in his name, I don't even have enough contributions to get a full pension when I am 66 but he says it's not worth paying the shortfall because he will always take care of me.AAAAAGhh!!!! I recently said I could do with some new shoes and he replied, Oh yes dear let ME buy you some new shoes. I have followed him around the world for years to further his career, and let mine go, now MY kids won't come here because they hate him but have never had to courage to tell me before. I have spent the past 3 years struggling with my aging mother and now she is finally settled in a home, I thought I could have a bit better quality of life, but no. He has always hated her and even banned her from coming to our home, I have had no emotional support over all this and now he says that I can't visit her too often as she has gone into a home a several miles away to be nearer my brother as he doesn't drive and my OH says we can't afford the petrol for me to go. He has always had a bit of a problem with alcohol, not all the time but when he gets really sizzled he hits out, the last time this happened, last November at the home of some really old friends, he punched me in the head, tried to bite my face and told me I was pushing me RUDE WORD luck and what he would do to me if I didn't get out of his RUDE WORD life. Of course next day, as usual he, conveniently, can't remember any of this. I have no funds whatsoever, and have spent the last 7 months trying to put together another life. I have applied for a flat in a sheltered scheme, and have decided that as soon as a flat comes up I am going for it come what may. He retired last October, and since then I have not known any peace, he thinks I should live to his timetable and follow all his interests, he has taken over MY garden, he had no interest whatsoever before and even MY chickens. I have no life, so in my opinion, whatever my future holds it can't be any worse without him than it will be with him. As I said at the start of this I have never posted before because I find that all so called Social Media turns out the be anything but, but at least I have got it off my chest and I will watch with interest to see if you post again in the future with your decision.

Betty, I think some men just 'can't be bovvered' when it comes to take up new interests, either before or after retirement.

Married 25 years this October. He was a widower. We are now a bit busy with DGD, but not every day. I have gotten him interested in new things, but he would not do them without urging and that can be hard work. He spent his working life doing long hours, then all free time was with his sons as he raised them alone.

My DH does hog the telly, but I have my huge desktop setup, my work and my studies done from it and we are in the same room as the flat is not that big. I have tuned out the endless episodes of LOTSW... RIP Peter Sallis, but FFS, they are all dead now (well, except a few, Ivy?). WHY DO I KNOW THIS SH*T?!!!) Because he has the telly on like clockwork in later afternoon. We do share some shows, but I prefer winter watching vs in good long light evenings. I did get him to buy a laptop a few years ago, which he uses to play solitaire mostly because he cannot touch type.

Got him a nice camera after he borrowed my lesser kit and liked taking photos of DGD. He's slow catching on but getting there. I had to draft a friend of ours who is very good with cameras to bring his to a dinner at a mutual friends. I sneaked DH's new camera with me to hopefully get some help... he was annoyed at first, but within a half hour, they had their heads together he learned loads.

He does not drink or give me grief. Is very supportive of my studying and goals... we take interesting hols and on holiday he's all get up and go for the activities.

Some men are just 'house lazy'. If I were you... I'd start going out. If he gets annoyed, tell him there is nothing stopping him from joining you. Try some new non-threatening things at first... then work your way up and put your foot DOWN and dance!

This is developing into something else bettyboo isn't it?
Working full time doesn't leave much time for anything except TV - hello? What have we all done all our working lives -hobbies, travel, cinema, theatre , family, friends?
Were you perhaps hoping that now he is retired he would be busy round the house or garden and you would come home to a freshly decorated bathroom, newly planted Borders and dinner on the table? And instead he is watching the cricket!!
Well life ain't like that!!
I am sorry you are so discontented but frankly if you are basing the definition of a happy marriage on liking the same activities all of the time, you should have spotted a problem 19 years ago. Couples do not have to be joined at the hip if they have different interests, that's what mutual respect and toleration are about.
By all means write off 19 years if you feel that way, but stop and think whether you are being fair and also how you would feel if you were being given the order of the boot for the same reasons.
My honest opinion is not for publication here. But IMHO he deserves better.