My heart has just been broken.......

Don't over-analyse everything someone says, particularly a man :-)

I would suggest that it is not going to help either of you if you 'simply ignore' this! He has expressed a pretty powerful thought/emotion and if it is not addressed it will fester...
My mother was an MG counsellor in the days before it became 'Relate' and her advice when 'struck' by a remark like this was always to respond by describing how that made you feel and giving them space to elaborate.
It is not too late. Pick a time when you are feeling 'strong' (not hungry, tired or upset already by something!) and you both have time - eg having a cuppa together - and say something like 'do you remember the other day when you said XXXX to me? Well that upset me a lot and I keep thinking about it and what you meant...' Then give him space to respond and...more space perhaps with the odd encouraging or prompting noise/comment. Given that he said that 'off the cuff' he can now think about it more carefully.
It is helpful if you consider in advance the possible array of his responses so that you can anticipate how you will probably feel. If he says ' Yes I'm sorry that was a bit strong but I was feeling... you can explore it further if he seems to be in the right frame of mind. Just by listening, accepting (with your own feelings of course) and giving him space you are demonstrating that you care in a profound way.
If he responds in an aggressive way - repeating or developing the original remark instead of being offended or outraged observe ' Wow you obviously feel very strongly about this - can you tell me more/explain etc?
In our family, since Harry Potter's Dolores Umbrage, we talk about 'taking Umbrage' and try to laugh about it but Umbrage is the enemy of partnership and needs to be recognised and left in a cupboard!
It is far easier said than done - but once you try it and feel the positives that flow from it it is far easier. (counting to ten before responding is another rule of thumb here...)
All the best(:

A subject a little too close for comfort and funnily I had just open up gransnet to write.
I am in a relationship with a man who has a drink problem ..although he is in denial and is very abusive towards me. When I first met him he was attending AA and all seemed to be going well we even had a wonderful holiday in Italy when he didn't touch a drop. Fast forward a few months hes stopped attending AA meetings and it's been a roller coaster with him drinking on and off. It's when he touches the vodka then it's rock bottom not just a glass or two but bottles. At this point he becomes worse I can cope most important times and i have left him only to return again several times.
When hes not drinking which can be period of weeks he is the sweetest kindest and lovin
g partner.
I know he suffers from depression and has had a few bad periods in his life personnel and heath wise ..ive tried all I can to support him emotionally but it doesn't seem to be enough.
I really don't want to leave him but the last 18 months are begining to take their toll on me.
Fortunately I don't live with him and still have my own place with a wonderful supportive family who know of his drink problem..
I've thought about making a clean break and finishing the relationship but my heart isn't in it. I still love him and I know he loves me.

I think he was hoping to trigger denial. He needs some comfort and reassurance if you feel up to it with all the other things to think about at the moment.

Good luck, I hope all goes well for the get together.

That sounds like a rather common phrase to have caused you such distress. Is there something more to it for you?

People with drink and drug problems lose empathy towards others andyou sound as if you have been an absolute brick so haven't you heard similar or worse from him already?

When we are feeling low things hurt us more, have a look a t your own wefare and don't let something trivial break your heart, it is the stuff that sulks are made of. you are better than that and you know it. Are you mourning the life you might otherwise have had without his issues??

MawBroon you are without doubt the sage of this 'outfit'. A million times Bravo!

Don't be heartbroken Travels. Sounds as if he was just not looking forward to the gathering and maybe a bit sorry for himself. You've done so much over the years and, by the sound of it, have been successful. Try to enjoy the gathering but keep an eye on him, he does sound depressed.

Have you come across the "Love Languages" concept? Maybe you two are talking a bit at cross-purposes.
www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages

Maybe family gatherings ignite a need to turn to alcohol, and that is why he doesn't like social gatherings as deep down he struggles with his alcoholism in situations like this. Tread carefully.

Margaret you are right to be broken hearted over a throw away comment is too sensitive maybe you are just not feeling confident with this forth coming party travelsofar but honest if that's the worse comment you've had you're one lucky lady

Sounds as if he is a bit depressed. As for putting up with him well that is how we all feel with our life long partners sometimes.
I sometimes feel that my whole family is just putting up with me - I can be difficult and short tempered at times.
You have obviously never had a broken heart its much worse that that. It is daily emotional pain but even that passes eventually,

Give your DH a big hug and cook him his favoutite meal. Not that he will now say the words you want to hear but men are not known for their empathy.

i was going to say the same as Elegran.

travelsafar - you've opened up a subject that seems to have rung a bell with many of us - thank you!

So many problems, both major and minor, within a relationship are caused by lack of, or communication problems. (Believe me, I speak from experience).

We are all encouraged to talk openly and honestly with our husbands/partners/family members, but the bottom line is that some of them find it hard or impossible to have that sort of conversation (again, speaking from experience)

Sometimes in these circumstances a chat over a bottle of wine can loosen the tongue and the mind, but obviously that is not appropriate under the circumstances.

If you feel that talking could be hard for you both, then how about writing it all down, and leaving it as a note on his pillow, at his place at the table, whatever works for you.

People who have had problems with alcohol often still have low esteem issues (God, I hate that word) along with problems with actually talking about it.

There is a lot of stress/emphasis on "talking", it doesn't work for everyone, sometimes writing or email can be more comfortable.

Sorry, I've whittered on.

Yes, perhaps he needs you to unbreak his heart, travelsafar?

I think the subtext that he feels but isn't saying is "I don't know how you put up with me".
He needs you to say "I don't put up with you, I love you" - you do, don't you?

I think Anniebach has made a very good point.

my first husband had a "drink problem" , he died nearly 10 years ago from pancreatic cancer. Almost 3 years ago I met another guy and we married last September, his ex-wife also had a drink problem. I now realise there is no one in this life more selfish or self centred then someone with a drink problem. sending u big big hugs xxxx

I love that song, MawBroon.

You are a saint, many would have given him the heave ho ages they say life's too short.ago, as

MawBroon thank you so much for the link, so apt!!

To everyone else thank you for kind words and replies to my post.

I have chosen to ignore for now the hurt he caused me and put it down to mixed messages.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0

Tell him he is bloody lucky somebody does put up with him. And that with that attitude, many wouldn't.

Then play him this from Fiddler on the Roof (Do you love me?) ?

Get a bit of superglue on that broken heart, pick yourself up and enjoy your family get-together.

I can understand why he might feel a bit inadequate around your children - he is after all not their Dad and has put you through rather a lot! He might be feeling bad about that. But you clearly did this out of love and that is why his thoughtless comment has struck home. This may be a storm in a teacup. Deep breath and let it blow over - and well done to you for your stalwart care of your OH.

Men can be such babies!

You are amazing to have helped him and supported him when recovering from a drink problem. He is probably fishing for reassurance but never-the-less he's lucky to have you and even luckier you didn't bop him one!