The evil of bullying

When my GD (11) comes to stay overnight with us, her friend (11) whom she has know for 8 years, stays overnight with her. Last week I met up my GD, just the two of us. She broke down in tears and told me her 'friend' was threatening her, saying if my GD didn't do certain things, i.e. it started with taking two biscuits each instead of one when I wasn't looking, or when they went for bike rides to go a different way, onto main busy roads, when all their parents and us GP have specially told them not too.

My GD lives in another town to this evil child and the big threat is that the EC will bring all her friends to 'get' my GD and beat her up. I personally am so distressed about this (hopefully not showing and being very supportive). I would have said that her friend was a million miles from being a bully but when GD told me of various odd happenings it all clicked into place. GD is so upset, these two girls used to get along very well and she is missing that friendship and frightened of not doing what her friend wants her to do next, although she knows its wrong, in case she gets beaten up or my house gets set on fire.

If I had my way I would never have this horrible child set foot in my house, let her school and her family know what's going on but she is a clever, controlling and manipulative child.

I feel I should do something positive so this 'friend' will think twice about bullying anyone in future and also something positive to help my GD feel better.

Neither GD nor I have said anything about this to her parents as they may well stop GD from visiting us.

Anyone have any good ideas?

sunseeker you walked with her, you were a friend. I am sure she valued that.

I tend not to post on threads about children, not being a parent myself however I am going to make an exception in this case. I was never bullied at school (too insignificant and not noticed) however I would walk to and from school with a friend who was rather overweight, every morning and every afternoon we would be followed by the same group of girls who would shout insults and remarks about her weight. I always felt so sorry for her but as I was only a child myself I had no idea how to deal with it. I am now almost 70 and I still think of her from time and time and feel guilty for not doing anything. If I feel that way when it wasn't me being bullied how much of an affect has it had on her life.

Yes, of course. Thanks folks for pointing out something so familiar to all of us.

Yes, same style?

Oh! Is it.....?

I think that ignoring a bully works sometimes. And not other times

Abonet you seem to have taken on the mantle of gnomic utterances from a past member who used to spout bestow the same clichés mysterious words of wisdom.

I seem to have read that remark before pen about a poster who portrayed herself as rather naive in her questions. The same style and approach appeared in several incarnations. Hmmmmmmmm?

Abonet It seems as if you are deliberately provocative or either extremely naive

Two of my DDs were bullied at secondary school. Dealing with it was very hard. They were frightened that if I approached the school about it the bullying would worsen. Thankfully things have changed and bullying prevention is part of the remit of all schools. I think that the reason we hear so much about it is because it is more out in the open now, not necessarily because it is more prevalent.

One of the things at our local school is that children are encouraged to ask themselves why the bully is behaving as he/she is and that helps to deflect the sense of personal blame or worthlessness that the victims often fee.

It has always happened and sadly always will.

Abonet it's a bit difficult to ignore or have a discussion with a bully who comes up behind you, kicks you in the back and then proceeds to kick you in the head and chest whilst you are on the ground ....no witnesses. ..no school action

My DD was bullied when she first started at the comprehensive school, being new to the area and having a 'different accent' to the locals. She never told me about it until years later when she came across the girl again when they were in the late teens. The girl apologised profusely and said how horrid she realised she and her friends had been.
The one thing DD did learn from it was that, if she and her friends saw a younger child being bulled at school, they would go and help. I knew nothing of this either until someone I worked with said that her son was being bullied by other boys and DD and her friends (all fifth or sixth formers by then) had sorted it out and she thanked me very much.

Sometimes kind, older pupils can be more effective than staff and know more of what is going on. Do they still have a prefect system in schools these days?

It's staggering the complacency and disregard for those who have/are being bullied shown by some posters.
Bullies certainly won't be put off by a lone child standing up to them. I'm ashamed to say that when a girl at my high school persistently moved my coat, bag, pulled my hair when standing behind me in line, pushed me, tripped me etc over a period of a couple of weeks and nothing I said stopped it - on the final occasion when she pushed me, then pulled my hair as we queued to go into class , i turned round and thumped her. She fell over, hitting her head on a bench as she went. I was simply terrified. I was, of course,sent to the head teacher who asked me what happened. I explained. He advised me not to hit out again, I never had previously and I never did again. Curiously, the bully never bothered me again.
This isn't a remedy I'd ever suggest to my own children or grandchildren. It was sheer exasperation and anger that led to my action and I was lucky to have a headteacher who understood children. I was not a violent or difficult pupil and he must have known that.
My autistic grandson on the other hand, stood out didn't he. He is a gentle soul, very kind, brilliant with small children and animals - socially ill at ease outside his small comfort zone of people who know and love him. On the school bus he had chewing gum in his hair, his bag taken and thrown about etc etc. He told me about this and said that his new high school had helped him because they'd given out a leaflet about bullies which said the best thing was to ignore them. He said this helped, he didn't respond, picked up his back and now arranged to sit behind the driver. He is such a lovely young man, brave as well. Suggesting he use some kind of magical sentence to silence bullies, don't make me laugh.

Abonet as a parent who saw her child almost destroyed over a long period by bullies I can assure you that ignoring them doesn't work ,nor does standing up to them ..if these vile children want to bully someone NOTHNG will stop them .It gives them a perverse pleasure to make others frightened and miserable .Certainly that little speech you repeated would make no difference ,they would laugh in your face...believe me we tried that too ! Its something you will never understand until it happens to you or your child.They can lie through their teeth and be believed ,my daughters guidance teacher told me repeatedlt that one of the girls who mentally tortured her wasn't to blame...she was a "nice girl" and she went home on a bus every day ,didn't walk behind my daughter and verbally abuse her .Despite the fact we had seen her do it!

We taught the children ways to respond, e.g how to be assertive, body language, key phrases to say etc. We also encouraged 'circle of friends'so there were always a group of peers to go to & we worked hard to develop a whole school climate of 'tell someone else' and had safe places for children to go.

Most of all when we identified bullying behaviour it was dealt with 'publicly'. Not name and shame but children were told that some bullying had happened and what the consequences were. This helped children to feel that if they told then something would be done about it. These were primary aged children.

I think that ignoring a bully works sometimes. And not other times.

Hurrah. It has been nipped.

_______________________________

Actually I've found that, for those of us who are able to take it, the advice to ignore a bully is a good one.

PS another point is that there isn't always a chance to 'nip it in the bud' as more often than not, children do not tell their parents about the bullying until it is well underway. Often it has to be dragged out of them when the parent starts to notice a change in behaviour or a reluctance to go to school, by which time the bullying is ongoing and well established.

For what it is worth, I do not take anything like that. Are you going to answer about it too?

I was going to leave it there.

But more rational. On whose side?
Are you bonkers Anya? You still havent answered. You are free to answer your own question.

You honestly think a bullied child will be able to stand there are say that?

All those on this thread who had GC bullied (because of their difference in some way) will be amazed at the naively of that suggestion. Firstly because you (or QQ) are using the language of secondary pupils at least and many of our GC are much younger. Secondly, you are assuming that the child has the social skills to address this to a bully. Thirdly you don't have the experience of a child being repeatedly bullied and nothing being done when the problem is escalated to class teacher ('just ignore them dear') or HT.

But at least it's good to enter into more rational discussion with you on this topic.

I really must go now, and let you get to the library, but I'll leave others to back me up when I've said (.in response to QQ) that if it was this simple the bullying wouldn't exist.

I think nipping it in the bud can actually work.

^ Yet at the same time yiu support QQ's view that bullied children have 'bully me' written all over them and their parents are to blame.^

Thinking about it, no I dont agree with it in the slightest.

I do agree with trying this though.
'I do not want to be friends/socialise with you etc. because you have a horrible personality and those who hang about with you only do so because they are scared of you and you must have a very sad life to behave in this manner. If it (the incident) happens again, I will take it directly to the Head Teacher'. This can be adapted to whatever the situation is but the idea is to nip the bullying in the bud.
Very apt here I think!