The evil of bullying

I've just had a post from Change.org about an app called simsimi which allows anonymous bullying. It's been banned in Ireland and they are trying to get it banned here. I've obviously supported the banning. Might be worth you looking at Gillybob

I am following with interest the "Becky" story on Eastenders and I am hoping the BBC will bring the story to a good but realistic ending, as many young people watch this programme. Last night the programme ended with Becky lying on her bed crying yet again.... almost suicidal, sprang to my mind.

25 years ago I undertook a study into different aspects of bullying (perceived, reported, kept secret etc) in the secondary school where I was on the pastoral team,
I learned some things which surprised me, others would nowadays be obvious but we were aiming to not only address the bullying itself, but also how some children seem "immune" and for those whose lives are a misery, to provide a safe haven (obvious today, but apparently not then) as well as strategies for the times of day when teacher supervision is not already practical.
One boy sticks in my memory, he was a classic "candidate" for bullying if you know what I mean. Very very bright and not afraid of being seen as a high achiever, polite, well spoken, fairly conservative in his appearance and a bit of a loner. Yet he never suffered. Why?
His mum had chosen to invite a group of children to his last birthday party while he was at primary school, a group which included a local "bad boy" the scourge of the teaching staff, already known to the authorities at 11 and a regular tearaway. He didn't get invites to many parties,( if any) and from that time on, the other boy in question was "my mate, and don't anybody mess wiv 'im"
Not necessarily the best foundation to underpin an absence of bullying, but in this case it worked.

I was bullied by an older girl when in school. She did not go to my school but would wait for me in the road. I just got on with it. When I was due to move up to Secondary school she approached me, I was in fear and trembling, and said she would take me on the school bus on the first day of term. Everything was alright after that. I think, then it was part of life, and it taught you that everything wasn't easy. Certainly in employment in later life it helped me realise that work life was not always easy either.

There are three little girls in my road two are sisters and I have observed them ganging up on the other one. I also notice that she has recently changed schools. I am sure the parents must have noticed it also.

Even the phrase "zero tolerance" is silly. I mean would any school, admit to having a 10% or 20% tolerance ?

Surely the zero is a given.

There's an interesting storyline about bullying on Eastenders at the moment. I think they are going to demonstrate that it's only by the victim talking to someone that the situation can be resolved.

Yes, GS1's school thinks it has a zero tolerance policy on bullying. But in truth they haven't a clue.

gillybob You are so right about there not being an age limit on bullying. Absentdaughter's job involves helping people with mental health issues to get back on their feet and into work. She has a client (and I have to be a bit careful here) who is not a young (or old) adult with extremely high academic qualifications who worked in a very senior and important job. She has, apparently, been reduced to jelly by bullying – I am not sure whether by a colleague on equal footing or her boss. She resigned and her whole life and belief in herself – a very fine and worthwhile self – fell apart. I am impressed, both by her and by absentdaughter, that she is slowly finding strength and beginning to reassert herself and become the successful and splendid woman she once was.

Children often don't report bullying because they don't want their parents to know that they are not liked or not popular with their peers.

Yup. It's not as straighforward as saying "X just ran up to me out of the blue and kicked me"
It's much harder to say "I don't think my friends like me any more, they still let me hang around with them sometimes but when I do they always make jokes about my spots/weight/hair"

I think often parents/teachers see a kid with their "friends" and feel relieved that they're in a group but groups can be nastier than lone ranger bullies who are lashing out at everyone

My GSs school has zero tolerance of bullying and have an outstanding for pasterol care. I have asked both of them about bullying and they always reply that they don't think any goes on at all

A girl who isn't in DDs circle recently left DDs class due to ongoing severe bullying, I know because I know her mum. DD says there is no bullying other than the odd friends falling out and bickering. DD was not involved (I know this via the mum of the victim), but she's at a self involved age I guess and even when I've asked her specifically about what happened with the girl who had to leave the class, she hasn't a clue because she's all wrapped up in her little world and her circle of friends.

It was actually a bit of a brick wall that the teachers and mother faced when trying to deal with the bullying. The victim was being physically hurt but afraid to name names initially, and nobody ever saw it happening! her bullies were clever like that. It's a form of bullying in itself to make the bully look like a liar if they try to tell!

From DDs point of view though everyone is bullying aware and nothing much ever goes on.

Bullying in real life isn't like the obvious blatent cartoon character bullies in Beano comics! That's the problem. Its often a previously nice friendship that's gone bad, or a group dynamic that's changed with the addition of a new person.. not some machiavellian deamon type obvious character who is going about hitting people with a sling-shot while everyone watches without doing anything!

A lot of kids stay "friends" with their bullies even after they turn on them.

All schools have to have an anti bullying policy these days but it's how they implement it which is the important factor. I suppose if your DGC isn't the one being bullied it's easy to think the policy is working. Unfortunately, bullying comes in many forms. Physical bullying is probably easier to spot. Bullying by exclusion can be one of the most difficult to spot but has such a bad impact on the self esteem of the child involved. Children often don't report bullying because they don't want their parents to know that they are not liked or not popular with their peers.

My DGD hasn't reached the social media stage yet Lillie but I absolutely dread it as I have heard/read some harrowing accounts of bullying via FB etc.

I think children being bullied can often see it as their own fault, as though they deserve it, or are asking for it by daring to be different. I agree we can (and do) probably underestimate the effects that bullying can have on a child. My DGD had no desire to be the bullies friend, she really just wanted them to leave her alone.

I don't think you can put an age limit on a bully can you?

It is very hard, especially in this modern age of social media. I think any school which says it doesn't have bullying is lying.

gillybob is right that the child being bullied can be very good at hiding these things. Even as educators, and that includes teachers, parents, GPs, we can underestimate the effect the bullying is having on the victim because he or she seems to be coping with it, even being in the bullies' social circle. Bullying does affect lives, even beyond the school years. I hate it.

All schools say that they have a zero tolerance to bullying ( and then quite often deal weakly and shamefully with it when it does arise.)Parents/ Grandparents/ Guardians have to be on the alert.

Yes I think that I indicated that it would be almost impossible to eradicate bullying entirely, but it can and should be kept to the minimum, which I believe happens at my GSs school. To my mind they take bullying extremely seriously and measures are constantly being kept under review with parents always kept in the loop,and encouraged to give their views etc.

I think they have to Abonet but printed words are useless unless there are consequences for the perpetrators.

and the refusal of some parents to believe that their child could be capable of such a thing, doesn't help aggie

I would assume that all schools have a bullying policy. Ask to have a look at it. They might let you take it home to read. It is supposed to be renewed from time to time.

Another way of looking at it .......... are your little people bullying ? Sometimes they think it is harmless teasing and then it can escalate

Sadly I think bullying probably goes on in and around most schools . Even those with zero tolerance and excellent pastoral care whitewave. Bullies are often clever at hiding what they do and can come over all sweetness and light if they want to.

I like the fact that your GS's school gives out regular reminders.

Is it up to us as parents and grandparents to ensure that our children are not easy targets? It seems to be all about fitting in and not standing out from the crowd in any way, which is sad.

We had no idea that my eldest DGD (11) was being bullied at school. She hid it very well. It only came to light when her little brother (aged 7 and very sensible) pointed a group of girls out to me when we were driving past a parade of shops near to the school and said "grandma, those horrible girls said they were going to get XXXXX". My DGD was horrified that he had let the cat out of the bag, but I am so glad he did as it lead to us unfolding a catalogue of bullying going back several months including name calling, threats,actual attacks (passed off as sports injuries) and throwing her belongings in a skip. Several children backed my DGD's stories up and thankfully the school were brilliant and called the parents in immediately saying that they would have no hesitation to involve the police if necessary, which i think might have scared the hell out of the bullies. They are also in regular contact with my son and daughter in law and fingers crossed it seems to have died down.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that children are good at hiding these things. How can we make them understand that they do not have to suffer in silence? Bullying effects lives.

To my mind, it is finding someone in whatever club or workplace situation, who will take it seriously, and act upon it.
Too many people in authority, are far too quick to turn a blind eye. Easier for them that way.

I'm not sure what all can be done, but we talk about bullying with our GC and GGC in terms they understand. We allow no fighting, hitting, hair pulling, back talk - as all of that is precursor to worse behaviour. We never allow any pointing out 'fat' or 'ugly' or 'deformed' and we lavish praise. I wish I could do more, or knew what to do, as I find bullying to be scary.

My GSs school has zero tolerance of bullying and have an outstanding for pasterol care. I have asked both of them about bullying and they always reply that they don't think any goes on at all, as they get regular reminders by the form tutor about on- line as well as out of school and in school bullying. That is not to say nothing goes on but clearly the school take it extremely seriously as do my grandsons mum and dad!!

So my reply would be that due diligence is needed for it to be kept to the minimum, and it can be relatively controlled. Children have bullied for ever, so I don't suppose it can ever be entirely radicated, just taken very seriously with offenders made to know in no uncertain terms that it will not be tolerated.

I wonder if naming and shaming helps?