The evil of bullying

Glad it worked for him. It is such an easy thing to set up isn't it? It also made the students feel valued and slightly "special" in a good way as they enjoyed a more adult relationship with the Librarian, a kindly and sympathetic woman (who would also alert the pastoral staff if she had concerns)

MawBroon, that was the approach taken for my autistic grandson both at primary and high school. He's very bright and loves to read (and write) so it worked well for him. Socially he struggled at school and continues to do so as a young adult.
Life is much more tough for some of us isn't it.

I know the question was addressed to penstemmon but one of the things our school did was to establish the library as a place of safety where many students who had experience bullying (and some who had not but might be at risk) were appointed "librarians" which gave them a role alongside people with whom they were in sympathy, somewhere to be legitimately in break and lunchtime and at the end of school for up to an hour or so since the Librarian worked on. They could also be asked to go there before the end of school or before lunch to remove them from the melee in the corridors.

What were the strategies for the victims Penstemmon, if you dont mind me asking.

Bullying can take many forms. I was a very quiet child small and not tough in any way. I never remember being bullied. It surprises me to this day that no one ever bothered me, mind you I kept to myself a lot. I wish my DGC, who is ASD hadn't been bullied. Physical, emotional and mental abuse all have such an impact on a child's self esteem. It seems that there are so many bullied children. I wish in some way they could create their own support group but I expect in this day and age it would be infiltrated by trolls or bullies in some way.

Bullying is a nasty aspect of life. There are people at every stage of life and in every walk of life who use bully tactics to feed their ego. Victims do not need to be any type of person but often are perceived as different by the bully.

The difficulty in some school situations is seeing the difference in quarrels and fall outs between class mates (normal) and deliberate'hate' targeting (unacceptable). Some children can say and do awful things to 'friends', teachers take time to sort it out, contact parents only to find the children (usually girls) have made up and are confused by the fuss!
I am very embarrassed when I think back to group unkindness to a new girl at boarding school. I suspect it could have been bullying. I hope she is OK now.

Potential for bullying is greater with online communication

We did work with bullies in school but we also worked with victims to give them strategies too, to avoid being victimised again.

Only 2 incidents when I was at school. A big boy pushed me into a radiator and I had a lump behind my ear like a creme egg. Mum (tiny) waited outside the school, grabbed him by his blazer lapels and said "you ever touch my daughter again and I will wait for you and sort you out". He looked sheepish as he was quite tall but he never came near me again. Second time. Girl digging me in the ribs from behind every time we had to stand in line. Used her fingers and I kept telling her not to do it. Well one day I just had had enough. She did it and I turned around and I punched her, not slapped. Down she went and I immediately felt terrible. The teacher asked what had happened and she said she just fell. She never touched me again. Now I am not saying this is the best approach but it did work.

I wish I knew the answer. Some people just seem to attract bullies and they are found in all walks of life. They cleverly do their worst when teacher's back is turned and tend not to get found out.
I think I was bullied because I was quiet, first by dad, a horrible PE teacher at school and by a few colleagues at various jobs. Eventually I toughened up and answered back but I feel sorry for those who are going through it. Adolescence is bad enough without being picked on.

I'll apologise to start with, this is going to be a long post.....
I was bullied right the way through school, by the same gang of girls, RK was their leader, HR, PM, SH followed her!
My mum went to see the headteacher, who came up with the brilliant idea that as they had a gang, I should form a gang too, to even things up! I know this was in the early sixties, but seriously?
I had my dinner money stolen, things removed from my bag and later, my desk, my coat thrown out of classroom windows, was accused of theft (I've never stolen anything, ever!), had stones thrown at my head, and was physically kicked and punched until they drew blood (the backs of my knees are scarred to this day due to the kickings I got)!
It made no difference how many times my parents went to the school, or what they said or did, because the bullies all came from very wealthy families and I didn't!
I hate to think what it would have been like in these days of social media, and what it might have driven me to.
HR, PM and SH didn't pass for the Grammar school, so it was just RK and me, and as we were placed in different forms, she couldn't 'get at' me so easily.
She'd still be abusive when we met due to doing some of the same subjects though, but it was minor compared to infant and junior school.
When we left school we went to different Universities, and I truly thought that I'd never see her again......how wrong I was!
When I was 35 she waltzed back into my life, she started at my place of work! I was horrified, and in the space of that first day, went from my adult, responsible, confident self to an absolute wreck! I went home that first evening to write my resignation letter, I thought there was just no way that I'd ever be able to cope with her again. Fortunately, DH made me see sense, I was her boss, far above her in the hierarchy, and she had to answer to me, so why was I worried?
I'm very proud of myself that I never once said or did anything to punish her for what she'd put me through, (I was tempted though), and she did ask me to forgive her for what she'd done. Apparently it was because my parents spent time with me whilst hers were always off out socialising and leaving her with friends and neighbours, it was all done because she was jealous!
I told her that I was prepared to let it be, but I was never going to forgive her as she didn't deserve it.
We worked together with no problems for 4 years before she left for pastures new, although I think it's a good thing that I was her superior, if it had been the other way around I fear she would have carried on where she left off. Years later I discovered that she'd been fired from two posts for bullying junior staff, so that particular leopard (ess) was never going to change her spots!
I've never seen her since and I'l be quite happy if I never see her again, and if I hear that some bad luck has befallen her, I might just do a very tiny happy dance!
Bullying has to be stopped before it gets started, I'm living proof that its effects can live with you forever!

Interesting that on another thread re children making hurtful comments to adults in the family it isn't regarded as much of an issue. Hardly surprising if they take the same behaviour into school with other children. Where's the difference to them?

I experienced bullying as a child due to the way I looked and having neglectful parents (our teeth were never cleaned, hair never brushed, awful clothes etc, violent father). However none of this compared to the bullying when I started in a new office when I was in my 50s. It was horrendous. One woman, who had been there a long time, took a dislike to me instantly and made my life a misery. I will never forget it. It was very difficult to deal with as I was the 'new girl' and the bosses had the attitude 'well everything was OK until you came along'. I later found out that this particular bully had a pretty miserable life and she seemed to take it out on me for some reason.

Lupatria ?What an awful time you had, and what a ghastly old bat that bursar was!

Sitting down talking to bullies is a waste of time, they need a short sharp shock and in language that they understand.

i worked as headteacher's pa in a secondary school for years and several students were excluded for bullying - one even expelled. however this didn't stop the bullies for long as they looked on it as a holiday [the expelled one was reinstated on appeal to the governors].
then things changed and schools were penalised for excluding and students were isolated in school. this seemed to work a bit better and i hope still works to this day.
i had to leave my job in the end as i was bullied myself! we had a new bursar and she didn't like the way i did things [i was nearing 60 and had, at times, been the only person in the school - during the holidays]. i was treated like a 16 year old filing clerk on her first day of work and, unfortunately, there was nothing i could actually write down as proof. in the end after several months i went off sick with stress and depression and, six months later, they made me an offer i couldn't refuse and i retired ............... well left under a cloud.
i made sure that i was able to access my work pension [a pittance] when i was 60 and, fortunately, i was able to claim my state pension at 60 too. so the "offer" financed me for six months until i could claim my pensions. it wasn't a good time although 10 years later i've finally got over it - or mostly got over it ..... it does have an effect on you.
oh, i forgot to say that when this happened i was also getting over being abused/bullied by a live in partner who i'd thrown out about 6 years before.
bullying isn't nice but there's not a lot that schools will do about it even now - they think that all they've got to do is to get the children and their parents around a table and go for mediation. they think that if the children shake hands then it's all over and no more bullying will happen - not the case.

I think her friends are a little frightened of them too but haven't been singled out in the way my DGD has been. They have tried unsuccessfully to turn her friends against her but as I said earlier it's hard for her because living so far away it's difficult for her to really socialise outside of school .

my daughter was badly bullied by a gang of girls all the way though high school ,we spoke to teachers head teachers and guidance teacher time after time ,most flat out refused to believe it was happening ,The day the gang followed her home and walked on the back of her shoes until she stepped out of them and then they threw them in frot of a bus ...was the day I snapped.I called the police and a lovely sergeant came to speak to us and her ,at first he said hit back..literally HIT back.She did ....SHE got suspended .Then the policeman decided to sort it himsellf and he waited outside the school for her every day for months and followed her home .They got bored ,and left her alone.Sadly she still feels fear when she meets these women in the street ,23 years later .My son was supposed to go to the same school ,so before he started I made an appointment with the new HT ,and took my diary of what had happened to my daughter.My son had NO problems with bullying.I do think girls are worse though ,much more vicious

I didnt realise the police took it so seriously.

Works for online abuse too, children and adults

www.gov.uk/bullying-at-school/the-law

www.gov.uk/bullying-at-school/reporting-bullying

Are her friends frightened of the bullies too gillybob?

I'm not sure there is a typical victim Hm999 but I appreciate that anyone who stands out from the crowd are "fair game" for bullies. My DGD is not particularly quiet, she's pretty, bright, very sporty and popular with most children. The only thing the teachers suggested was that with her living a long way from school she cannot socialise outside of school meaning that she might be seen as an "outsider" . I don't know to be honest .

My oldest GC was bullied by others when he first went to secondary school. Chewing gum in hair and pockets, bags going missing, pens and pencils stolen, doors slammed in his face....all because he is very clever. The teacher helped a lot after the parents complained to the school by moving the class around so that he was sat next to different pupils. They tend to form little gangs and egg each other on. He doesn't take self defence classes (which I think are a good idea) because his parents were afraid that he might get in to trouble for fighting, so he suffered in silence for a long time. Eventually he made a stand and yelled at them for being so immature and babyish, just as the teacher came in to the classroom behind him. So their card was well and truly marked. Now that he has filled out and is all but 6ft tall they leave him alone but it can have a very bad affect on children, especially those who are not aggressive like he is. He is a very gentle quiet spoken boy. In spite of it he has done well and is now taking A-Levels. Thankfully some of them have gone elsewhere now, but you can just see that when they get out in to a work environment they will just carry on with their sneaky cowardly ways. All bullies are cowards.

Bullies tend to pick on several types of kid. One is the loner, so try to teach your child to be sociable, join in, physical activity is the easiest, join a football club, girls or boys. Another is the very quiet kids who don't stand up for themselves. I used to teach my kids that if they saw someone being bullied, stand silently next to them.

Mawbroon, A bit like Marcus in About a Boy and his friendship with Ellie? So much bullying is online now. It's impossible for schools to stop that. Even Gransnet isn't immune!!

W11girl I hope the writers won't go down the suicide attempt line. It could give youngsters the message that that is the only option.

I meant an email and it was from 38 degrees. More coffee needed.