Will I ever be really happy again

I agree with you Tricia I know I am a bit odd but I've never understood the whole 'friends' thing. I have a few people who I meet up with occasionally and one friend who I have known for 40 years but she lives a fair way away from her so I rarely see her. I can honestly say that if I had a falling out with any of them it wouldn't break my heart. Does that make me a horrible person? I am luck to have sisters so maybe that's the different. If I fell out with my sisters I would be devastated. At the end of the day they will all look after their own and themselves. Sorry if that sounds cynical.

ruthiek I probably sound cynical, but I've learnt not to expect too much of people, so now don't get too upset if a friend or relative is a bit unkind.
I'm rather a passive, non-assertive person so tend to get bossed about by stronger characters. Most of the time I take no notice, but sometimes conform to keep the peace.
I don't really trust anyone 100% and hope no-one trusts me 100% because I'm capable of letting people down too.

Ruthiek, it sounds like you are a sensitive person as l am. Hurtful words go deep and you find it hard to understand why anyone could be so cruel. I would just say try and put it all behind you and think of the future not the past. The thing that saved me 17 years ago was to volunteer in a charity shop. Everyone is on the same level (apart from the manager of course who in my case is lovely). And although l do my best for the charity, it has done so much more for me in that l have become more confident with people and have made new friends among the other volunteers. Good luck x

Oh RuthieK I feel for you. I have been retired from work for 12 years now, but I was in a job that a totally loved for 24 years. 2 years before my retirement a new woman was brought in and she made my life unbearable. I saw it as a good thing because I was happy to leave and didn't miss my job when I left as much as I would have done. Bullying had also happened to me a few years previously by the wife of a senior director who I was helping on a voluntary basis! She actually tried to get me fired. I think bullying happens to caring, sensitive people. Some people seem very tough and it just never happens to them. But, as all the others have said, it just doesn't do to get too close to people at work. Your husband and family are your best friends when it comes down to it. Make new acquaintances through clubs and hobbies, the gym, book group or something like that. Keep work where it should be, on a non-emotional footing. I also learned the hard way that you can very rarely trust another woman, no matter how close a friend she may seem to be. One of my very best friends went out for dinner with my husband in the middle of our very acrimonious divorce proceedings! She apologised afterwards and sent me flowers. I forgave her, but never trusted her in the same way again. So you see, you are most certainly not alone. Enjoy those you have and keep just a little bit of yourself back where friends are concerned, it pays in the long run. Be strong. Hugs.

That's really crap for you RuthieK. Heaven knows I know how you feel too. Workplace bullying can make for a miserable existence and to be honest you did the right thing by leaving your job as your 'friend' was as much of a bitch as the bully. Did you see 'The Replacement ' on television and if so, did it bring up any feelings for you? There are lots of lovely people out there and you will make new friends. However, it's always best I find (having been similarly hurt) to keep just a little of yourself back. There are some real control freaks out there so make sure you don't give everything of yourself away. Good luck and best wishes x

I feel quite connected to the discussion here ,I have few friends in part to my way of connecting to the world lately discovering a disability.and the death of my best friend I'm trying to be more outward and have made one ore two new friends .I find great solace in nature ,my garden ,and now i understand a bit more about myself ,

Bullying crushes your sense of worth and persecutes the far reaches of your soul. My family were bullies and it ruined how I saw life for a long time. They're not in my life now and I'm far happier. The scars remain though and I believe that bullying in schools and in the work place should be made a criminal offence because it's not just bullying. It's stalking and harrassment under the guise of bullying. The number of children taking their own lives today is a staggering reminder of what being bullied actually does to a person's sense of belonging in this world.

The best thing you can do and it maybe sad but it will be worth it, is to leave and start your life again. Don't wait wondering if happiness is going to appear. Happpiness is a choice and it's something you have to create and work at building into your life. It doesn't happen from your armchair.

Not all friendships last forever. I expect someone has already said this but it's true that there are friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends who last a lifetime.

Don't be bitter, just move on. This is just how things are.

The same with me nannie net. I retired after 30 years-well, really, left because I became the bully boss's latest victim. I wasn't having that and was fortunate to be able to retire-best job I've ever had!
My former colleagues just don't keep in touch at all-strange behaviour I think but, Ho hum, that's their problem not mine. I've lots other friends and, indeed, have made new friends too so just move on and enjoy your life.

TyneAngel what a lovely, lovely poem. I've bookmarked it.
Ruthie, what a tough time you had and most g'netters are very kind in their responses (note only 'most'!)
I believe most people are nice at heart and there's not much you can about the others. Don't get too cynical about people, that would be sad.
As for the idea of turning inwards towards your wonderful husband family, etc IMHO that's not realistic. You can't be everything to your DH/family and vice versa. We all need an outside life to be balanced.
Only you can know what you might like to introduce into your life. I'm a bridge addict. Such fun and separate from my home life.
I wish you well. Be kind to yourself and time will help. Xxx

ruthiek, you have my sympathies. Bullies are into power play and can spot the vulnerable and use them as pawns in their game. Unfortunately bullies can also be very charismatic and persuasive so that other people don't see the problem, but you, the victim know only too well what is going on.

I was bullied in a Saturday job when I was 16, it was horrible. I also got bullied about 10 years ago by a friend who I had supported a lot. I introduced her to a group of other friends, some of them long standing, and then one day she got annoyed with me and ran about telling them all I had had a row with her and been horrible. What was hard to take was one former friend in particular who simply refused to acknowledge there was a problem. I pulled back from the group (we were walkers) and the last I heard she was still thick as thieves with them.

It's very hurtful when people behave like this and it does make you wary and perhaps that's a good thing. I am slightly less trustful than I was and I stand up for myself, especially if I sense someone trying to take advantage. Trust your intuition, if you think someone's not being straight with you, they probably aren't.

I think it takes determination to put this sort of thing from your mind, it's not easy but time does heal. As for forgiveness, well, when the time is right, forgiveness comes I think but there's no harm in being angry that you were treated badly as long as you don't dwell on it. Tell yourself you are above the bullies and well rid of them. Perhaps one day they'll even be bullied in turn and come to regret their actions.

This has happened to me , you will get over it. I only have 4 close friends but none of them from work, I don't mix with workers. Good luck

One thing that may help is for you to forgive your friend. It really helped me when I was bullied by a so called friend. She never knew that I forgave her but just saying it to myself lifted a whole lot of hurt from me. As is said 'to forgive is a gift to yourself' It really worked for me

Someone I once worked for decided, when she got promoted, that she wanted her friend working for her and told me that I was incompetent and blamed me for things that her predecessor had done. Fortunately I got out and if I see her I am civil to her but nothing else. I just wish that I had been aware of the Civil Service Bullying and Harassment reporting helpline as I could have ruined her career as I had lots of documented evidence of her bullying behaviour

I've been in a very similar position to you and I changed my job,and didn't get close to anyone at work.
I took early retirement eventually because I was worn out with the stress of it all.
Worse than that I now only have one friend left, my other friend died a few weeks ago.
Like others on here I've joined the U3A and the folk there are friendly and I hope to find a couple of new friends eventually but it's a slow job, I'll not rush it.
It will be different, but hopefully it will be happy times for us again!

This is so difficult and different. The person I referred to up thread was , as far as I was concerned, a friend for many years. Our H's played golf and squash weekly, we looked after each other's children, weekended away together and were the depositors of each other's secrets. I went with her in the middle of the night when her mother had a heart attack and died. Yet she let me down and I really grieved ad felt so let down by her. As I said we met up about3 times a year with mutual friends but trust and love has gone.

I worked for 15 years with someone I classed as a close friend. We did the same job, visited each other's homes with our children, shared deep thoughts and highs and lows re husbands, children, parents and then our boss gave me the Highest Appraisal Mark and she got the grade below. Still excellent btw. Things turned frosty and she was vocal in her dissent. Then I applied for and got a job with another organisation. She made me feel I had abandoned her and cut me off from her life. I was bereft for a while but met such lovely unjudgemental friends in my new job that I realised life goes on ! Your friends were not true ! Move on. Be happy x

I worked with who I thought were all my dear friends and my only friends for 25years. I left 3years ago to care for my grandchildren while their parents work. But not one person has got in contact with me since l left, l have text a few and seen a few while out shopping etc. The only time any have spoken to me has been at two funerals we have been to. I know they were only colleges but you spend a lot of your time at work. But l now have a few new friends ( Nannies) made at Local Toddler Groups where we meet weekly with our grandchildren. I always wonder just how many people will be at my funeral when l die??

ruthie - very sorry to hear what happened to you. You are better off away from the job and the so-called friends. You are better than all of them.

Foxie has perhaps never been bullied. It disempowers you like nothing else so it is impossible to "fight back". The bullies know this and that's why they carry on doing it.

I was bullied at work by a boss with obsessive compulsive disorder. I should have walked out of the upsetting job chats etc but she had told so many lies about my "incompetence" to her boss that I feared that I would get no sympathy if I reported it.

I left that job and got another with less money just to get away.

I would be wary of getting too close to anyone again. If you are able to meet new people, Just enjoy their company and see how it goes.

ruthiek you have had a raw deal and are entitled to feel sore.
Yes you miss your friends, yes you miss the "fun you had" but you say you have a wonderful,husband and family so pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again
Can you ever be really happy again?
Well that is up to you isn't it?
Dwelling on the past is not the way, but moving forward while counting your blessings stands much more chance of success.
It is up to you. .

Friends...they certainly were not...& rest assured what goes around comes around....these people really are not worth a single thought any more..you have more than they could ever have, your family and Husband. put it all behind you where it belongs..trust me, I've experienced worse. you can & will heal..be kind to yourself and give yourself time.
You are important, kind & loyal & only sincere people deserve to know you!

She wasn't a friend, who knows if you will ever have a close relationship like you had, but that went. You have a close family and your husband, I would give anything for that. Please do not waste your time worrying about what you had and what you want. Look and see what you're have is real and worth so much more. Just go out meet new people but accept they might just always be no more than aquaintences. Nothing stays the same as we get older. Never thought I could ever end up on my own and lonely, but I have.

You call her your friend but she was not really a friend and you did the right thing walking away. Put all your work memories in a cupbard and leave them there, its all in the past now and you have a new way of life to make. Not everyone is the same and you can trust people again, make friends through the WI, I have found them a great bunch and supportive. And just for the record A manager at work tried to bully me and others but I was lucky we had a trade union and I became the workplace rep and quietly fought him for 3 years until he was made redundant in a shake up. Then I left, job done! Make a new life and don't think of her as your friend.

I am so sorry you have had such an awful time,don't loose faith in people you only need to read this forum to see how kind and thoughtful most people are---------you are at the perfect age to meet new people lots are retired and trying new projects.How about signing on for an evening class in something you have always wanted to try,you will meet different people but do not need to get too close.Or volunteer where you can help others that is so rewarding you will meet people who need your help,just look forward not back.Over the years when your at work you meet odd folks but when you get older you only need to go near the nice ones,everyone sends good wishes keep in touch and the very best of luck.

ruthiek, what an awful experience,and what an awful aftermath. Unless you have been bullied at work yourself, you would not be able to imagine how awful it is. You have been majorly traumatised.

However, that does not mean you won't heal and make new friends. You have to do a reality check: human beings are fallible and cannot be relied upon to be perfect! You can't refuse to love someone because they might do something awful to you, can you? You can't ever have that guarantee with anyone. Love can overcome those fears. Love can take risks. And sometimes, you have to love because it's right and not because you are hoping to get unfailing loyalty in return.

If you don't mind my quoting this:
"But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them, expecting nothing in return." Luke 6:35 - read the whole passage

In a way, we have to grow up in matters of love and not be children anymore, but warriors who can take a few blows, though we get scars along the way.