Will I ever be really happy again

I once helped a friend with an application for a job at the place where I worked, and once in the post she made my life hell, sending unpleasant and untrue emails to me copied to everyone else.

But you can put it behind you. I had to leave in the end, took other jobs and am now retired. When thoughts of this woman crop up, as inevitably they do from time to time, I find something to do and push them away. We only have one life, and she is not going to ruin mine!

Foxie

'You only get bullied because you allow it to happen and because you are more concerned with the feelings of others than you are with your own.'

I had to read this several times. Really Foxie? That's a very harsh statement for anyone being bullied at the moment. No one allows it to happen.

I'm reading some of the comments and I agree to a degree but Ruthie can't lock herself away in her house with her husband and her family. She has to, as we have all had to, go out there and work and be in that social environment so just "being happy that she has her husband" won't quite solve the problem. Another thing is, and I say this with all due respect, a lot of bullies use that old excuse of "your too over sensitive" as an excuse for their behaviour.

I was so sad to read this, ruthiek,and as another (over-?) sensitive soul, wanted to share this poem I stumbled across that I have printed and stuck to my fridge. Do have a look. Warmest wishes and a gentle hug.
www.cwolters.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/she-let-go-poem-by-ernest-holmes-html

You should forget about this woman just as she has forgot about you. Life really is too short to rely on someone like this for your own happiness.

If only it was that easy.
It is a betrayal and a bereavement. It has happened to me when a friend and her H suddenly went " up in the world" and made rich influential new friends.
I do still see her a few times a year but on my terms and I have never recovered my former feelings for her.

I'm really sorry for your distress on this issue ruthiek. I have learnt the hard way that people come into our lives for a reason, some for just a short while and some for a few years and some for a lifetime. I've had to 'let go' of friendships over the years if they became toxic or just distant. You will pick up, look forward, create new interests to meet new people. You'll never forget the good memories you've had, now its time to move on and make new memories with new friends ?

Oh for heavens sake you still have a wonderful husband and family enjoy them rather than mithering about this other woman, who isnt worth a 2nd thought. I'd give up every friend ever if my husband was still here to be wonderful

To lose friends is always sad, but there has been good advice given here. Workplace colleagues may be friends, but if one part of the relationship collapses then you may feel you have lost all of it.
You seem to have a loving husband and presumably a loving family to support you. As my mum used to say back in my childhood when "best friends" let me down "They're not worth it".
Move on, there are other things in life to make you happy again.

Coping with bullying and betrayal in any situation/relationship is he'll. That you can articulate it here is trusting us and the first step to trusting friends again

It's dreadful isn't it you never get over it. And as you say you never trust anyone again.
I was a TA and had been working at a local school for years our head left and we had a new head who was very nice but my friend who was the deputy head had to reapply for her job and go through the process of being interviewed she didn't get the job and new head was a bully, I never got on with her think because of my age. My confidence was really shaken but she went in the end to be head of another school, I retired a few years later.

This must have been heartbreaking. In my 30s, during my working life in the US, people did not tend to become close friends. Mostly because they were married with families and I was single. Or I was the senior person and those working under me were younger. This was in the 1980s. Perhaps workplace bullying was not acceptable then, although, I do recall at the uni I last worked at some woman in another department terrorised her boss! That was really weird. She refused to learn to use a computer and 'dared' him to fire her. What a mess. As I got older, my work confidence grew and I did not 'attach' myself emotionally to workmates.

Anyways, this is not about you or your character, it's about other people and their immaturity. Do you think they are really happy in their work? If they are like this, they must always be looking over their shoulders and at each other wondering what they really think.

You are well out of this 'circle of distrust' and are better off making a new workplace life. But keep it that way. Pleasant, companionable, but don't invest your heart in workmates. They probably have their own agendas as well. And, if this is the way they are, they will surely end up at odds with each other when the chips are down over promotions, or pay rises, more responsibility, etc.

Family and friends outside of work are much more rewarding. And if you have extra energy left over, join U3A as suggested and expand your horizons, or donate time to volunteer work. You will be much valued and make real friends.

You have family - put them first now and do not let your hurt over this woman taint your fun with your family. She is not worth allowing that to happen.

There were so many options available to you regarding the bullying, but the most important was the attitude of your "other" friend who was your supervisor who really should never hold that position. I wonder what the situation is now that you have left and under the circumstances, were the friendships really that genuine?

It does hurt - I had a situation where someone I thought was a friend sought behind my back to destroy a singing group that I started and had run for many years. I was going through a bad patch anyway and this was pretty much the last straw. I discovered afterwards some of the cruel things that had been said and done. And when the shit hit the fan and it all went pear-shaped, she said some seriously dreadful things to me, including telling me what a pillock my OH was - I knew that anyway!

But it was a valuable life lesson - choose your friends with care!

I did come out the other side, a wiser woman, so take heart.

Not enough is done about workplace bullying, You think this kind of crap finishes once you leave school but alas, in many cases it doesn't. I was bullied in the workplace years ago. I had a friend who attended my wedding etc and there was another girl who was her friend but not really mine. It was she who used to bully me and my 'so called' friend just used to stand there looking at the floor instead of telling her to cut it out. The bullying was in the form of name calling as I was walking by, making derogatory comments, that kind of thing but she was very aggressive in nature and had already received a verbal warning for pinning another girl up against a wall. I reported the bullying to my superiors who did absolutely nothing. One day it came to a head when she approached me and I turned on her and said, "don't think you're going to be pinning me up against the wall like you did to - - -" We were both shouting and consequently we both got fired. Everyone signed a petition to get me reinstated but the boss said that the altercation had been heard by clients so under the circumstances she didn't feel it was prudent to allow me to come back. The crazy thing is I saw the same girl years later and she apologised. Who knows why people do the things they do? I just know that you have to stand up for yourself or it will continue all your life in one form or another. I'd let the past go Ruthie and start afresh. That friend can't have been a true friend or she wouldn't have stood by and let you be bullied like that. Move on, make new friends but just don't tell them all your ins and out and one thing I learned over the years, never talk about other colleagues, even if others are talking about them, stay neutral, don't give them any ammunition. Perhaps you could consider assertiveness classes?Whatever you do, wishing you all the very best XX

ruthiek Yes you will be happy again because, after 25 years of friendship, I now know a lot of it was built on lies. We were a group of four and once retired would make the point of meeting up once a month for our usual laughs, it was so easy to have fun with them. THEN I visited a young work colleague who had just had a baby at her home. She asked me 'had I put my claim in' I said 'what claim' then she proceeded to tell me, What hurt most is the one friend had already started her claim and never us. So I passed the information on to the three and we started our claim. Three years down the line the situation is, the one friend doesn't want to meet up anymore and the other friend after going on holiday with her and her husband I discovered her marriage wasn't what was portrayed. My conclusion is that the friend who walked away couldn't bear to see my life was now comfortable(he was always boasting about his wealth) and the friend I confided in about my ex-husband had exactly the same husband. When the penny dropped that was why she was so wise was because she has someone just like him(cold control freak)I said to her the last time we met 'my life as completely turned around with the groups I have joined and made new friendships.I will never though trust anyone again except my children. When I thought about it after, the fun we had was usually at my expense but I used to say 'I would rather make you laugh than make you cry' At work when I didnt understand a problem I was called S"£$ for brains, so also believed I was thick.My new hobby playing Bridge tells me I never was thick it was poor training. Arrr Karma is wonderful because yes I am happy content and my life is full. Onwards and UpwardsvRuthiek

I fel very sorry for you and know how it feels. When I was on maternity leave 25 years ago I returned to work to find a new, lovely and charming woman in my department. It seemed as if we were going to be the best of frinds but, when she discovered I wasn't going to be her poodle, she launched a campaign of lies, tale telling and bullying which went on until I retired in 2013 - and was partly responsible for my going.

At 60 I have no close female friends but a loving and supportive family. I more than make do with this.

I think that when one ages many things which one took for granted fade and disappear. It is a real effort to find perfect happiness and it might be that the unalloyed joys of youth are not possible with wisdom and experience. Still, there are many things to take comfort from: family, nature, health, other sorts of friendships, art, culture and so on. Try to cultivate contentment and focus on the good in your life. You have a good DH and family, for instance. This ghastly woman doesn't hold a candle to that.

How awful for you ?
I really don't understand women like that or friends who behave so appallingly.
I have a very small circle of great friends that I really don't see enough as we live opposite ends of the country but when we do catch up its like we saw each other yesterday! The friends I have where I live are nice people but I'll never have the same connection is don't think. Ive known my best friend since we were 4 at nursery!
I really hope you find an interest where you can meet a group of lovely people and leave the nastiness behind you ?

You only get bullied because you allow it to happen and because you are more concerned with the feelings of others than you are with your own. Workplace friendships are notoriously fickle and it's never easy to get close to anyone in the truest sense. Nor should you because if it goes bad you still have to go and work with that person. So you live and learn from the experience and life goes on.

I was brought up being told not to totally trust anyone so I tend to have a raft of friends from different activities. I tell different friends about different bits of myself if that makes sense! It does sort of guard against being let down but I think it also means I have missed out on really close friendships. So try to focus on those good years with the friends and not just the nasty way it all ended up.

If you have a wonderful husband and family, can't you have fun with them. I lost my husband of 58 years, have great friends but it's not the same. I sometimes think I will never really laugh again!

So sorry for you. Its a dreadful thing to be bullied and betrayed in adulthood. This happened to me very early on in life, so I was able to adjust my thinking and behaviour regarding people at work. My experiences did take me a long time to deal with and have affected me throughout my life, but I didn't let them rule my thinking and, thankfully, managed to move on.

I have a friend, however, who in every job she has, gets too close to her colleagues and inevitably people turn against her because she becomes too involved, interfering and gossipy. She never learns, but blames everyone else when things go wrong.

Don't let what happened to you dictate. You will be ok. You now know that work is work and you need to protect yourself from potential bullies by keeping your distance.

Good luck with everything.

I too think its a bad idea to be too close to people you work with but that doesn't help you much now
I have joined the U3a since retirement and have made lots of new friends though I am fortunate enough to have maintained several 'old'friendships too -maybe 3 or 4 of whom are the 'tell anything too and they wont judge'kind Friends of the heart
I have drifted a little from the person whom I would once have called my closest friend Her life is very different from mine and I see her rarely and always because I take the initiative .She is very charismatic and I think I was a bit dazzled by her at one time ..we we are no longer emotionally that close ,though to be fair she made a considerable effort to come to my brother's funeral last year so that is a lot of residual feeling. And I'd be very upset if anything happended to her Other friends have taken her place in my heart though .Odd as I get on very well with her DH and am her son's godmother

Ruthiek this may sound harsh but no, I don't think you will every feel the same happy again but you will feel just as happy - differently so and with the knowledge of this just a murmur in your mind.

These events have cut into your belief in friendship and feeling of safety at work just as surely as if someone had physically attacked you. You are beginning to heal - you have got another job but, just as someone may appear well from the outside when suffering physically, you are still healing and need to allow yourself to feel that and be kind to yourself. I agree with those who say join groups and would suggest you look on a group of people rather than investing trust in one at the moment.

You will be happy again. It will be different but it will be OK.