Real life stories to make us laugh

Please join in and post your memories that will make us smile?

The day we moved here, five years ago, when the removal men had gone, I decided I would go to the large supermarket just down the road to get some food to make a lunch for us, as DD, SiL and GS were helping us unpack. I parked the car and went in, but when I came out, I panicked when i couldn't find the car. I covered the whole car park and then I went back inside and told the security guard that I thought my car had been stolen. He called the manager. "Show me where you parked it" he said, so we went out and I led him to where I thought I had parked it. "And is that the entrance you used to get into the store?" he said. I thought it was an odd question. Of course, it turned out it wasn't. There was another, with corresponding car park, on the other side of the store and I had used that one but didn't realise there was more than one! We found the car almost immediately and I was left feeling very silly, but he did say it "happens all the time!" When I got home, everyone wanted to know why me and lunch had taken so long. When I told them, they fell about!

When my son was in Reception class he was very quiet and quite shy. The teacher said they were going to do the nativity in the big hall and every child would have a stage part. I told her that i didn't think that was a good idea for my son who hated to be "looked at". She insisted that he would be fine and gave him the part of the third shepherd. Every day leading up to the big day my son begged not to have to do it "please mummy, tell the teacher I don't want to do it" and everyday "she" insisted he would be fine

Anyway the big day arrived and me and my gran decided that if we sat at the back of the audience so he would not see us, he just might be okay. How wrong can anyone be.

Picture beautiful nativity scene. Mary and Joseph and tiny tears baby Jesus, the ox and the ass, the Angel Gabriel standing on a wooden block.... on walks shepherd number 1. Lots of ooohs and aaaahs from the parents, shepherd number 2 pulling a dog lamb on weels behind him, shepherd number 3 (my son) tea towel on head, fluffy lamb under arm... walks onto the stage... seeing the audience..... hears the ooooohs and the aaaahs..... and the lamb goes flying to the back of the audience with him shouting.... "I hate you all, you are all pigs"

I wished the floor would have opened up and swallowed me.

That made me laugh gillybob, he did warn you.

I remember my nephew now grown up after having some sex education at school went home and asked his Mum if she and his Dad did 'that'. When she replied yes he said ' well I think you are mucky ' . Different opinion now.

My eldest daughter`s response to sex education talks when she was 9 was "you and dad did it 5 times then, mum."

gillybob the tears were rolling down my face. I agree, you had many warnings. Perhaps the teacher will listen to her children after that. A good job you were not sitting near the front!

Gillybob oh that made me laugh and bought back such memories .

Our youngest daughter made the perfect Mary in pre school. Cuddling the baby jess tiny tears she lost interest very quickly .

In the final scene ( having already picked her nose) , surrounded by the nativity - she poked the baby jesus eye out !! Joseph burst into tears and the wise men started a fight over ownership of the myrrh! !

And it all captured on the school video !!

Ah. The school nativity play. Our most memorable production was when Joseph was violently sick all over baby Jesus. The Angel Gabriel was a real trouper, she kept her pose of outstretched arms and beatific smile whilst inching slowly further away from the line of fire. Mary, on the other hand, gave Joseph such a look of utter disgust as he was scooped up and carried off stage. The show went on folks, minus a couple of the main characters though baby Jesus was slid back into place after being rinsed under the tap. ?

I had to take some dresses I'd bought on a click and collect. My lovely angelic grandson accompanied me. The shop assistant asked " why are you returning these items?" Before I could reply grandson piped up " cos she's too fat to fit in em " just love em don't we.

So it was decided that I needed a bladder scan. As I worked at the private hospital I thought it would be easy to have it done by the friendly female radiographer I often had lunch with. No the only radiographer that did this particular scan was the young enough to be my son , good-looking (ish) guy I secretly felt Cougarish tendencies about.
So come the day and I have to strip, drink gallons and gallons of water and wrapped in a towel, stand in a darkened room with a plastic jug shoved between my legs and good-looking radiographer in front of me asking every few minutes "can you go yet?"
Needless to say not only couldnt I go but I was getting more and more wanting to go but unable to do so.
By now I was beetroot coloured and with my eyes closed willed myself to wee.
To no avail - I defy any woman to stand in front of a lustworthy stranger and wee into a plastic jug.
10 minutes , 20 minutes until finally he said "ok let's give up"
He left I dived into the loo and wee'ed for hours .
Coming out now dressed and respectable radiographer said to me with a knowing wnk "we should just gone straight for a pelvic MRI - still that was fun wasn't it"

My DDd's school did Cinderella for their Christmas play. The lad playing the prince was struggling for words and finished up saying: "Take this slipper and go and see whose fit it foots!" Much suppressed laughter.

At another nativity, I was asked if I would record my month old baby crying so that it could be used in the performance. Cue the sound of my baby crying and I poured and poured with milk - I had to leave with it dripping out through the bottom of my skirt!

When we were first married, DH was a PC in the Met. in Central London.
One morning our large alarm clock went wrong, so DH said he would take it to work with him to get it mended. He put it in the inside pocket of his Police mac.
He was directing traffic at Kings Cross, when an American couple approached him-"Gee Bobby, can you tell us the time?" and from inside his mac he produced.....

I can't remember what the Christmas play was, but it involved three tiny infants in oil skins , sou'Wester and wellies on a plinth pretending to fish. One little boy, Bless him, did an enormous wee which cascaded off the plinth. I was a teaching assistant at the time so I left the hall to get a bucket and mop. I came back and cleared up watched in silence by pupils, staff and parents. There was a lot of wee and it took some time. When I had finished and started to leave the hall staff and parents followed by pupils all clapped and cheered.

When my DD was about 4, we were invited to a wedding. At the time she was rather a fussy eater and if she tasted something she didn't like she would take it out of her mouth and put it back on the plate. I had been drumming it into her not to 'make a mess' at the table. As the best man ended his speech he said grace 'For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen' Then my DD shouted at the top of her voice 'and don't make a mess'

We visit Rome every year, but a few years ago I realised that I was no longer fit to climb the steep stairs to the top of St. Peter's Dome. I had the great idea that I would go up to the first level and wait in the sunshine for my DH and DD to get me on the way back down. After about half an hour of people watching, I suddenly remembered that there is a one way system to the top and back down and that there was no way my family would be able to come back down to meet me.
Just as I was plucking up courage to ask one of the men in suits with the gun hidden in his jacket, if there was anyway I could take the lift back down, (Which wasn't permitted) I noticed an American tourist with a plaster cast on his leg, who had decided he had made an error of judgement and couldn't climb up to the top. He approached the guard , who refused to entertain him , who insisted that it was a one way system and the only way to get back down was to go up first. The conversation became very heated, but the guard refused to change his mind.
I thought about it and eventually plucked up courage to try and persuade the guard, in my best basic Italian, to let me go down. I was like a comedy actress trying to act out the scenario that I had hip and back problems, couldn't climb up to the top and could he please allow me to go back down the wrong way, as my family would be looking for me. He looked at me in astonishment at my antics, including me becoming very tearful.
Eventually, to be shot of me, he took me to a lift, where at first the attendant said I could only go up. After some discussion, the lift attendant took me back down, with me thanking him profusely.
I went and sat inside St Peter's, as that was where I knew my DH and DD would exit from the dome. I congratulated myself on my ingenuity and sat passing the time people watching, but still they didn't appear. I became even more anxious, when I saw the American with the broken leg appear, knowing that he had gone up after them and it would have taken him forever to get back down.
After about half an hour DH and DD arrived, but they had come from outside St. Peter's Basilica. It transpired that they too had realised that they would not be allowed to come back down the way they would come to meet me. Apparently they explained to a guard what the problem was, stressing that I was a poor helpless soul. DH's Italian is pretty good and the guard eventually instructed them to follow him. He took out a huge set of keys and led them through hidden doors in the walls, down stairs inside the walls to the level where I was supposed to be waiting.
Of course there was no sign of me. The guard helping them approached the guard who had helped me, to see if he had seen me.
The conversation between the two guards went something like this. " Do you mean the mad woman with the red hair, who won't stop talking, who has something wrong with her hip" The guard then took them to the lift that I had gone down on and the guard explained that this was idiota's husband.

What my husband said when he found me is unprintable.In a church, as well!
People pay a fortune for tours of the secret Vatican. My husband went places, few people are allowed to see for free. I don't understand why he was complaining.

The thing that always makes me laugh is a concert I went to with my mother back in the 60's. It was Viennese music at the Festival Hall with Willy Boskovski (sp?) conducting. As usual the percussion were grouped on the steps at the back of the stage. All went well until they were playing a very quiet passage. A poor girl percussionist turned round and accidentally knocked the big chinese drum over. It tumbled slowly and LOUDLY down the steps and across the stage. There was a horrified silence while Boskovski and the girl looked at each other and then he burst out laughing and so did the rest of us.

As a working mum I had to fit school events in to a busy day, often having to contend with bosses who weren't very understanding - rushing to a school prize giving one day where son was due for a prize, I tip-toed in and found a seat behind the sea of green blazers. I tugged at the sleeve of the boy in front and asked "Has Year XX been up yet?" only to have my son turn around and say "About half an hour ago". Luckily he saw the funny side of it.

When youngest son was about 8, I returned home from shopping to find he had gone to visit a friend, leaving all the doors open. There had been a few daytime thefts in the area, so I warned him to be more careful. A few days later I returned home to see a large note pinned to the front door,
I HAVE GONE TO SEE KEN, KEY IS HIDDEN IN THE SHED. I hurried to the shed, to see another note, KEY IS UNDER A PLANT POT. On the far wall was another note 'KEY', with a large arrow pointing down! It was still there, thank goodness.
He is now 53, and still a bit illogical at times!

Deedaa we experienced something just as silly at a Grimethorpe Colliery Band concert. The band were accompanying a guest pianist, when the percussionist struck his kettle drum and managed to let go of one of the drumsticks which flew through the air and managed to land inside the piano making a horrendous noise. Everything stopped, the band and the pianist (after she had got over the shock!) dissolved in gales of laughter, and the audience applauded! The poor young percussionist was as red as a beetroot. Normal service soon resumed and the concert was as superb as you expect from Grimethorpe, with no further interruptions.

I love that mauraB

He should've just pinned a note on the door saying "BURGLARS THIS WAY"

When my mother-in-law was quite elderly she went to get a new photo for her bus pass. She refused any offers of help from us but she regretted it when her photo came out with a photo of her and a cartoon horse side-by-side. We can only guess that there was an option for comical additions to the photos and she pushed the wrong button!! .

Maurab so funny, still laughing, this thread has really cheered me up.