I am contemplating ways to kill Grampy...... input welcome !!

My husband suggests there may be a useful murder help thread on Grampsnet????

I haven't time just now to read every page of this amusing "banter" as I volunteer in the local primary school this afternoon, but....

My preferred method is to use a frozen bird as a club and then cook and eat it. I am sure I once read that the police are not able to make a case if they can't find the weapon!!

Beware poisoning - too easy to trace these days, unless it is such an exotic poison that no one has thought of, or found yet!
My leg of lamb is in the freezer too, waiting for an opportune moment!

You cannot dispose of the body under any circumstances. There would be too much hassle re wills, finances, if someone just disappears. You'll need to be able to produce his body you can get your hands on his cash will be granted probate.

It has to look natural, like an accident of suicide.

I've thought this through!!

And it was seen on TV under Tales of the Unexpected.

I like the Hit Squad idea, then each gran would have a watertight alibi. Pity about Wobbly & Cunco though...but yes, we'd have to 'take them out' first.

MaggieMay

That's a funny story.

OH rather too fond of the Sherry Trifle (as DMiL used to say) and certainly had too much over the festive season. Middle of Boxoing Day night he missed the loo by many metres. For one who is normally uber fastidious this was very shaming so since then not a cross word, remark out of place, charming, helpful and the rest! Still keeping the leg of lamb in the freezer - I remember the Tales of the Unexpected episode and often been tempted. And You Know Who I'm Speaking To, if you mention that I put this on GN when we see you next summer, remember the leg of lamb, it's got ypou real name on it!

So glad I'm single....the dog and cat don't answer back?

Last time mine fell off a wobbly ladder he bounced off the bonnet of the car and landed in a privet hedge! He was not exactly unscathed, but definitely not dead! You can't win 'em all!

What about the last bookclub book , where they invented a new "Old but not Dead" club. Perhaps we could start one of those.
You have cheered me up no end today, thank you.
On the other hand, for the first time in 40 years said "thank you for cleaning, cooking, looking after me, etc." I would have fallen over in shock, but we were in bed! His normal mo is to be as rude and confidence busting as possible...
Personally, I would go either on the wobbly ladder or the leg o'lamb/mutton route

I have just had a brilliant idea for a new business venture !

MURDERS ARE US

We will recruit countrywide and the Northerner's can "take care of" the South and vice versa. It can't fail.

My apple crumble is available at reasonable cost and sent second class in plain brown wrapper.......nice cup of tea and it sets like concrete. Satisfaction more or less guaranteed.

Yes, of course 'Greyduster*!

Actually, the Forest of Dean would be a good place - mine shafts AND wild boar!

Do you know anyone who keeps pigs. They would make short work of a corpse. So I'm told...... ?.

Does anyone remember that play from years ago where the long suffering wife took a leg of lamb out of the freezer and walloped the husband over the head. She then put the leg of lamb in the oven and went down to the shop for some vegetables. When she returned she called the police and reported a breakin and the murder of her husband - obviously she hadn't locked the door as he was there. When the police had finished their enquiries she asked them if they would like to have the roast lamb which they enjoyed.
Sorted.

Perhaps kill him with kindness ..... One of my girlfriends best ideas was to prepare enormous cholesterol laden fry up every day for her OH. We were all so impressed at the full English each morning 'till she winked and said "I'm blocking his arteries .... Can't be arrested for that".

Very mean!

I have evidence that mine never listens to me. Best way all round probably!

Without going to too much detail, I had to go into hospital after some new medication had....err...bunged me up quite badly! Four days and no trip to toilet town The Oldun (husband) said he would bring me some new clothes in as I had forgotten to pack another top. I had some really nice new tops that were comfortable and ironed so I thought he couldn't go wrong.
Later on, I need to be clean, so take the new clothes he has bought me, go to the showers (still in massive pain by not 'going' but needing to not feel like the great unwashed, and popped on the tee-shirt which was one of his.
I didn't bother looking at the logo on the front, it was baggy, comfortable, so I thought it would be fine....es, only when the nurses started pee-ing themselves with laughter did I notice that it had a big picture of a Kit-Kat on it, and said 'Have a Break, Have a Quick Crap!'
If Only!
Husband swears he never even noticed, but he was called every name under the sun back then, its only now I can laugh!
I once let our grandaughter put make-up on him while he was asleep, took lots of pictures which have somehow found their way onto facebook!

A quick shake of the ladder is all it takes, when you send him up to investigate broken tiles on the roof ( this doesn't work if you live in a bungalow!)

No need to dispose if you can find a disused mine shaft.

I can't see the problem for you ladies, just nag him to death, he will top himself soon enough.

We don't want to dispose of the body Nelliem we need it to look like an accident. How else could we claim the inheritance, insurance, pensions etc and live the Life of Riley we think we deserve?
For myself I don't have seven years left waiting for presumption of death.

Jalima, please report me to the police, my first wife is buried in my veg garden, but I did cut her into small pieces and bury the bits all over the garden. (that's the winter digging sorted)

Before you even think of killing a person you do need to consider the practicalities.

1. How are you going to dispose of the body? Few women could easily haul a man's body into a car boot.

2. If you cannot move it yourself then you have to have an accomplice. How many friends do you have who would willingly work with you.

3. If you get it into the car where are you going to take it for disposal.

4. How much would you be willing/able to pay your accomplice?

5. I clearly watch far too many crime/forensic dramas.