How did you raise your kids?

No conscious plan. They fitted in (as anya said) and have become good men, perhaps in spite of us. Superficially very different they both have a deep seated work ethic, are loyal to their family, resilient, kind and thoughtful about others. Will help when we or anyone else needs it. I sometimes wish the work ethic wasn't so well entrenched, other than that wouldn't change a thing. I am very proud of the way they are.

Routines, boundaries and lots of love. They survived and tell us their childhoods were happy. They've made me laugh and cry. I adore them and they love us.

Even though my mother and I had a close relationship, I wanted a different family from my own. Growing up for me there was a lot of jealousy and favourites and in the last six years no contact with two sisters. I wanted my three children to grow up to be close, successful, with no issues because of me. When the eldest were age five and three I attended a parenting course. I was very conscious of what I said if they argued wIth each other and usually mentioned on the quiet how the other sibling thought they were wonderful. Interesting how that stops a lot of childish arguments and animosity. It seems to have worked, living long distances from each other they make the effort to get together and DS and his family are moving closer later this year.

My marriage broke up when my eldest was 16 and my youngest was eight. There were hard times for us but we were close and I enjoyed their teenage years. They weren't moody teenagers, but busy with lots of interests, except for homework, they wouldn't do it. Besides working, I put them first before myself and any social life. I was forever taking someone somewhere. DS has mentioned that he appreciated that they came first.

One thing I notice about my children is they are always happy for others if they hear they have done well. They have said they appreciated that I had no favourites, I think that is one of the very reasons they are close.

They all have good careers, have all married caring people and have happy families. My children and their spouses are very good to me. I am very lucky!

Like most new parents I intended to rectify the errors of my parents when bringing up my own children, but often found myself sounding just like them and understanding why!!

However we did have to contend with DD who strongly believed that she was quite capable of bringing herself up without any interference from her parents. On occasions her parents begged to differ and this led to some interesting episodes.

I once heard someone, quite famous, can't think who, describe his own childhood as incorporating of plenty of good healthy neglect and this has always struck me as very good method of child rearing.

Whatever we did our DC have turned out all right, but whether that was despite their upbringing or because of it I am not sure.

I've just read this thread and the following post from Anya stood out for me:

'I didn't consciously raise my kids, they just fitted into our lives and grew up within the family. Today's families seem to revolve almost entirely around their children.'

I agree with you, Anya!

I did bring up my kids to think they could achieve anything if they put their minds to it and worked hard. It's made them both very determined and they've mostly achieved what they set out to achieve, I'm pleased to say.

Very proud of my son now doing a math degree at uni. Brought him up solely on my own and proud of myself too Most important thing to me was social skills along with a good sense of humour. He's a kind social gorgeous young man.

I raised my children to the best of my ability, but not to 'be' anything in particular,
you cannot determine how they will turn out, but only hope that you encourage good values. At the end of the day they are individuals!

It sounds old fashioned but I wanted them to be morally sound. To do the right thing, not to lie or steal or be dishonest and to treat others with respect.

Then I've not done a lot. I gave them a clothing allowance
(very small) and they had to buy things themselves with it from the age of 15. Too many people these days use money to put pressure on children

On GN I'm always the one to say back off when problems arise and I have always tried to do that myself.

After I discarded Dr Spock which was my bible for DC1, I used instinct.

Perhaps I could have been more patient though having been brought up in a rather quiet household, their boisterousness was rather a shock!

They have all turned out well and are funny, hardworking, popular and have a social conscience but also differ in their outlook on life.

I think genes played more part than upbringing.

As with most responses here, I probably unwittingly used what nowadays is called "benign neglect". I.e. They grew up on their own. They'll do as you do and not as you say, so you just have to be a good example to them.

And, as others have said, on nature vs nurture - in real life, nurture doesn't get a look-in. They are what they are.

We just have to provide roots and give them wings, to paraphrase the Chinese provert.

Like many others I think I just got on with making sure that my children had what they needed. I became a single parent when they were quite young as their dad left, and so most of my time was spent working to keep a roof over our heads. Teenage years were exceptionally difficult!

I was a teacher and I had to do additional training and extra work to make progress and earn more. As a result none of my DSs chose further education as it seemed to them clearly not worth it when we were still struggling to survive. Well at the end of the day they have always been in work and are doing OK.

The best thing is the relationship with their own children after having been let down so badly by their own father. They have all had broken first relationships but would fight to the death to maintain positive contact with their children. I am so proud of that.

Despite my failings maybe I didn't do so badly. I get both Mother's and Father's Day cards. I know they will always be there for me as I will for them.

I suspect many of us would do some thing's differently given the chance to go back in time Eloethan I have beaten myself up over the years for putting my baby son into nursery every day which enabled me to go to work and pay the rent. I would love to have had the chance to enjoy him, he was such a lovely baby .

Not that well - I would be much kinder, more patient and playful now. But they've turned out pretty well despite me.

My children were 5 and 6 when I was suddenly widowed. All I can say is that throughout their growing up I did what I thought was right at the time, though, with hindsight there are things I should/would have done differently.

I had major trauma with my son during his teenage years but he has turned into a lovely man, a devoted husband and a brilliant Dad. My daughter is a great, if somewhat dizzy, young lady and a lovely Mum. I am very proud of them both.

To be able to cope with life really ...resilience, independence etc ...whilst also caring, polite, making themselves useful in some way!

My DD had a pretty good start to life as her DF was a Cattle Dealer, mostly calves so she was always with us until I started working part-time. Even then where possible she was with us, plenty of fresh air & exercise. When she was 5 her DF left us, we moved as house had to be sold, I went back to College for 3 years, she had to grow up quickly & this led to her being very capable & independent.

When she was coming up to 9 I met my DH & we moved 250 miles away from my DM & Step-Father, gained 2 grown up Step Siblings, I worked Full Time, had a Childminder & Childcare with her GPs during School Holidays.

It amazes me how I managed to raise a loving, considerate, kind, always look out for the underdog, independent, caring, funny lady she is. Always has good manners & DGS is being raised to be the same. How they survive given our varied parenting skills but they do & we're proud of them

Both have great sense of humour and would make us laugh so much. So proud that they accept different cultures and havefriends from different cultures.

Radicalnan you made me chuckle, my experience entirely.
Funny how children brought up the same way can be so different. My eldest is extemly thrifty and has a great interest in current affairs whilst the younger one spends her money as it comes in and is not at all interested in world affairs. One like me the other like her father.

Didn't really have a clue about 'raising' our sons, nor consciously adopted any models of behaviour, only that they have a happy childhood. They did. We all bumbled along together.

Carol - "Looking back, I'm surprised they made it at all!" Same here - as well as much stress because of the breakup of my marriage with their father.
I don't know how they survived, but TG they did.

That sounds like me Jayh. Looking back, I'm surprised they made it at all! We were so busy working all the time to afford to keep them. We still see them a lot though and they let us babysit their children so it couldn't have been all bad

We didn't have any plan as such in raising the children and looking back, I cringe at some of my mistakes. Despite everything though, we are still on very good terms with them and their spouses. That will do for me.

The best we could given the fact that we were seriously outnumbered!

I'm not sure anything we did influenced their personalities but they are all thoughtful, kind and good parents. They work hard at their relationships and their jobs. I'm proud of them but don't think it was a lot to do with DH and I!

In fact, my mum took credit for them once when she said that you know you have been a good parent when your children are good parents themselves.

I suppose you can only do your best to influence them, but tbh I was too busy working to pay the mortgage to overthink the 'raising' aspect.

I've been thinking about this, and yes I think I agree with you, bellsisabelle - most are to a great extent simply the person they are at birth.

I'm not convinced you can raise your children to be funny so they can make you laugh! And some will never be 'kickass' because it's not in their nature...