Dd owes us over £3000

We decided years ago not to make loans to our children and have made gifts to them for various items. We are certainly not wealthy but as everything will go to our children eventually they are getting money when needed. We made a substantial loan to a friend a few years back and had to wait a long time for it to be repaid (we did have to ask for it back) and we felt it affected our friendship, so would not do this again.

If your DD is having difficulties managing (as lots of young mums do) if you can afford to write the money off in the long term you would be helping her and your relationship with her and her family. Don't lend again and try to recoup the money in different ways - less money on presents / outings, et.

Annsixty - that's what we do as well. Currently we're helping one of our sons, (also for a car) he said at first he would pay us back when he gets a bonus at work in May, but we said see how it goes, not necessary.
It's only £500, and we're giving him monthly installments, can't afford more.
You never know , one day that generation might help us out. Our eldest and his wife are on good salaries and have helped us once (paid them back)also a sister and a brother.

silverlining48 .....you have hit the nail on the head!!!

Lending money is always fraught with danger. You always need to draw up a written agreement at the time of the loan. (Just watch Judge Rinder to learn the rules). Years ago we were desperate and borrowed from FiL. He even worked out how much interest he would be losing from the Building Society and we had to pay that back as well. It seemed pretty harsh at the time but he was within his rights.

Whether or not you get this money back, you must make sure that you never lend her any more.

The road to hell................

A friend of mine is in the same situation with her daughter who borrowed £8000 temporarily and though she has the money now to return the loan she has yet to repay it. They had words the other day, daughter absolutely furious with her mother who is the innocent party in this and accused her of not being a good parent despite everything she does for them abd the children. I was present and both friend and husband were distraught.
It seems some of our children expect us to continue to subsidise their much more extravagent lifestyle into adulthood, while we carry on being 'careful' of our own.

A loan is a loan. A gift is a gift. The former should always be repaid.
I agree you should tell your daughter that you are going to need bathe money yourself soon and agree on repayment terms. How rude and disrespectful of her to ignore the issue.

My finances have been quite dire over the last few years and on a number of occasions it has been necessary for me to borrow money off my mum. At the point of borrowing I always state how I am going to repay. On some occasions, when I have offered the money, she has said it doesn't matter but, other times, it has been repaid as agreed.
I was once told, if someone asks to borrow money, ask yourself if you can afford to give it. If the answer is yes then you can choose to lend but, if you cannot afford to give the amount then you shouldn't lend it either

My eldest, disabled daughter, who lives with me, has, starting 20 years ago, lent one of her brothers a fair amount of money. At first he paid her back at so much a month, but after a few years he stopped paying, it`s been about 5 or 6 years now with nothing from him, he`d get stroppy if she mentioned it, so now she just seethes quietly. He owes her roughly £6,000, and seems to think she doesn`t need it, but now her dad`s gone, and there`s just the 2 of us, she`s helping me with the bills, so what money she has left will go down now, but she won`t ask him again, just refuses to lend any more.

My dad once damaged a student friend's motorbike. He went to his dad and explained that he was going to need fifty pounds to get it fixed. His dad listened very sympathettically and then said: "What are you going to do?" Dad went and found himself a part-time student job, as a swimming pool life guard, I think. That was an education in itself and, since he was going to be a teacher, he learned a few teenage kid control skills.

Seems my grandad's attitude was similar to yours, m0n:- you caused the problem; you fix it. Bit of tough parenting probably benefits most young people.

A character from the pen of Shakespeare Stansgran ( although Shakespeare was always on the cadge himself.)

A tricky situation, but it needs to be out in the open that you need the money to be repaid.

I baled my children out once or twice in their student days, interest free but with an agreed payment plan. Once this did need to be negotiated when one was without an income. But it was renegotiated, not allowed to lapse.

They get loans when the financial problem was self-inflicted. otherwise we just give them money occasionally when an emergency really was unforeseeable. Car replacement should be foreseen and planned for. Nursery going into administration just after they had banked a term's fees AND the car needing replacement is unforeseeable and we helped them out.

But not everybody can afford to give money and adult children should understand their parent's financial situation and, if lent money, make sure they pay it back as soon as possible

Neither a lender or a borrower be. Someone said it a long time ago .

I would go the same route as anno then at least you will be aware if there where any problems with the repayment if a Standing Order was not paid.We have never lent our DCs money always given it when necessary and when we can afford it,it saves a lot of distress.

I would have a friendly `chat` and ask when she is intending to start paying you back . She could set up a DD once you have agreed the terms of repayment . It sounds cold but she needs to honour the agreement if it was a loan .

When I lent money to DSs and partners, we set up a standing order, not at my insistence, but at theirs. I hope the OP can get this sorted out amicably and make this a learning experience in case loans are requested in future.

I never lend, only give, working on the principle they will get it someday and I would rather they had it at a time of need.
However if I needed the money I would expect it to be returned as arranged. You must remind her without involving her H.

I've lost count of the total amount of money I've lent D on the promise of it being payed back. I know I'm a sucker there is always a very good reason. The latest coincidentaly was for a car she bought off my brother. Hers died and she needed a car to get to work. We agreed a monthly amount, I received the first repayment then her firm went into liquidation and now she is not working. So still owes me £1000

Yes I don't understand why they are repaying separately. I agree with mumofmadboys and others that you should set up a payment schedule if your daughter does not want to cash in her bond. It's always fraught lending money to family, hope things get resolved soon.

I don't understand why your SiL has repaid his share separately from your daughter but agree that you should speak to her directly with a reasonable repayment schedule to follow from now on.

Good luck!

In short, I work on the do no harm, take no shit principle. Seems to have worked so far.

What monica said. In your place, caroline, I'd "get forceful" and "mention it". I'd 'mention' that I want to be able to trust her at her word and that I expect to be repaid by such and such a date (you can negotiate that last bit).

With my kids I've always worked on the principle that although their actually liking me is a bonus, their respecting me is far more important. Not paying back a loan is disrespectful as well as just a tad dishonest. That last always providing she knew it was a loan all along.

Never lend to a family member, or indeed to anyone without agreeing the repayment schedule as part of the deal.

Open-ended loans, with no understanding about how or when the money will be repaid have destroyed more families and friendships tan almost anything else.

If you made it clear that this was a loan not a gift then you need to ask for repayment. Suggest a schedule that she can afford.

If you pass over money to someone, don't make it a loan. Make it a gift and if you get it back, then that's a bonus. You quite often do it get back in my experience.