Presents for grandchildren rejected

Janesworth sounds like you should be a banker and let the GC lust after money money money instead of love love love. Happygran and not the loving grandmother you are. We have 7 wonderful grandchildren and we love them like WE love them NOT as we are being told to by our sons or daughter. If my daughter in law upset my wife over presents that she had brought the children I would empty my biggest grass box over her head. Cheer up it's not you in the wrong. I expect DIL mother was a skin flint and it has rubbed off on DIL.

It never ceases to amaze me that people can be so unfeeling. Surely your s and dil could have put some of the presents away for later and, knowing what you know now, in future give the children very little and if you want to, put away some money to give to them when they go to uni/leave home/get a job. Christmas does seem to be the time for misunderstandings and plain speaking - probably because the perpetrators feel unhappy in themselves. I hope you will soon feel better about this.

Oh dear, what a minefield. So no hand grenades from me, just some comments and thoughts.
I didn't have GPs (they all died before I was born bar one who survived until I was 4), so my parents bought extra presents to make up for this. I am not a GP myself
We had two types of presents at Xmas - Main and Tree. Main presents were the biggies and were opened on the day, Tree presents were opened gradually, some on the day, some in the week afterwards, a drip feed of treats. This worked well, and I did this for my children for many years.
Manners cost nothing, and I insist on my children (even now they're in their 30s!) saying please and thank you. I cannot bear children who do not acknowledge a gift or kindness with a simple 'thank you'. Politeness helps the world go round and is a useful tool for the future.
But generations do 'do' things differently. When I told my mother that we would be spending Christmas quietly, dog walking and eating a roast chicken she was rudely dismissive of my plans (but fortunately blames it on DH LOL).
So, on balance, my sympathies lie with you Happy Gran, and you should not allow this to ruin your Christmas. Focus on your other children's joy at having a generous loving parent, and have a happy New Year x

speaking as a gran who gave my grandaughters 9 presents each i think the op's son isover-reacting and actually spoiling his mother's christmas.
i love christmas as do my grandaughters and buy them lots of presents as i love seeing them unwrapping them. some do go down like lead balloons at the time but the girls go back to them after a while.
and my daughter likes to see her daughters happy too.
no, 8 presents isn't at all too many and i think the op's son definately should have a clip across his ear [as one poster said] and how dare he ring his mum to complain in the first place! if he feels they've had too much he should just have shut up and put up!

Granniannie12

MN Mumsnet
NC. Non Contact

Do you live in Wales by any chance. I may know you.

We normally spend about £20 for each GC but the gifts are just stocking fillers, nothing of any great importance, lego add ons etc coloring books and annuals and one sweater each as you can't go wrong with an item of clothing. I always ask my son and DIL beforehand for gift ideas. Not being funny but I would give them a coloring book next year or something similar and wait for mum or dad to complain then you can say 'your' piece and see how they like that! If the kids say anything I'd tell them to take it up with mummy and daddy.

I think your son has been harsh and quite rude. There would have been more diplomatic ways of dealing with this.

I do think for some of us buying and giving presents to children at Christmas is a real pleasure, fulfilling a need of some kind for us

I reflect on this every year as in many families children have so much stuff already, then get literally dozens of gifts every year. I know people who give away half their children's presents every year, and regularly sell or give away their existing stash of toys just to keep on top of space and mess issues. Christmas is a huge expense too, with some families getting into debt trying to buy the latest fad gifts for their child, which get discarded after a few days or weeks. Lots of presents end up in landfill, sadly.

It is sad that in the midst of this excess there are families who don't have a home, can't afford toys and have to feed their children from charity hampers at Christmas.

I don't know what the answer is really, but I try to consult my 3 adult kids about presents in advance, and only buy things they really need or want, and not get them too much.

I feel for you Happygran, My daughter lives in Wales and doesn't see much of my Son and his family, why I don't know because they used to get on really well. This year my daughter bought make-up for my 11yr old granddaughter, (my son's middle one) and seemingly this caused upset on Christmas Day because "make-up is not allowed". In my mind they could have caused less upset but I get the impression that because it came from my daughter it wasn't acceptable. If they communicated more my daughter would have known this.
What makes it more upsetting for me is the fact that all her family spend Christmas day with them, even the ones who live in London. My daughter and her family have never been invited.
I have spent the last 13yrs looking after my Sons children while they work but I am beginning to think it is now time I spent some time with my daughter and perhaps found a little retirement cottage in Wales.
Sorry, bit of a moan there, but I came back to this after spending a lovely time with my daughter over Christmas.

Hi Happygran. Ignore all the negative comments and sod the lot of them. If you want to buy your GC lots of presents at christmas then do it. Christmas is for the children. Just make sure they know the true meaning of Christmas.i dont think 8 small presents should warrant a "spoilt" Christmas.

I gave one present each to their children because they don't take birthday presents and Christmas presents home they don't want. It's so hurtful because I think carefully about what they would want.

Happygran I've read the first page and no time to read more, but have to say you are obviously a very kind, caring and generous nan & mother. Your Son & d.i.l are very ungrateful, they didn't even 'Thank you' for the gifts. It's Xmas, so it's nice to spoil your GC, I'll bet your GC loved all the presents to unwrap and loved you for giving them. Buying all your GC the same amount is very thoughtful indeed. I hope your Son is ashamed of himself on reflection.

Next year I'm sure you will be mindful and maybe just get these GC 2 presents each, this is what your Son should have kindly put to you, with a big "Thank you" at the end for all the gifts you gave.
I'm trying to add up how many presents I brought my darling little GD..possible 8 or more and Boxing day a Tree present when they came to me
I've been 'cut off' from my beloved youngest D&GC by her nasty H, so only one GD to buy for [money in savings acc for other 2] My ND & s.i.l were thrilled at the nice present I bought for their baby D, It was one big one [dolls house], one that goes with the big one [furniture & family] and the rest little ones and white choc snow man & father Xmas & clothes. GD loved the doll's house and played with it all Xmas day Chocolate in cupboard to be given little at a time.

Happy. I feel your pain. Neo liberals are the opposite to liberal. My son and dil are the same. They won't let you speak. They get offended. They want to control every aspect of what their children receive. Eat. There is no discipline. Just gentle hands. No gender specific toys or actually mentioning. This is a boys toy. It's got to the point I don't want them here. They are so mean. Cheap presents for everyone and don't contribute either with money or help. Lie in bed and let everyone else look after their out of control children and criticise what you think and do. That rant feels good. I have to tread on egg shells having been sworn and shouted at in the past.

Curb your enthusiasm and generosity next year and just get one small gift each, and expect a proper thank you letter. See how they like that!

I used to buy toys every now and again ,always in charity shops, never spending much, then one day my DGS said 'Daddy says you have to stop buying us toys' and he repeated it again and again and got quite upset about it. So I decided there and then that there would be no more toys. So now I don't buy them anything, even at Christmas and Birthdays and it's breaking my heart. Spoilt Christmas for me too. you are so right Happy Gran - it's hard to know what makes them happy.

I feel very sorry for you Happygran. Your son did not handle it very tactfully, and should have mentioned it before next year's shopping trip. My Mum used to want to shower my four with lots of gifts, but she was clever and used to put them all in one box, so they only technically had one present each from her!
I saw someone on a breakfast tv show recently saying a sensible rule for children gifts is this--
Something they want
something they need
something to wear
and something to read.
A handy little rhyme meant as advice to parents, but it could easily apply to us grandparents.

HappygranHow rude of your son and entitled to his I'm king of the world attitude. I'm so fed up with that generation and their know- it- all- ness.
Gee I'm sure bringing eight presents when they are that young is going to ruin their lives. Keeping them out of school and social interactions is more likely to do that. If the parents were so concerned why didn't they have a discussion BEFORE Xmas and let you know specifically what they would like for their children? I hate the control they have but if you don't want to end up on the Granset board of estranged grandparents than I suggest you play their stupid game and ask them ahead of time what you can buy.
I had a sister in law who never allowed her children to eat cake or any other sweets for years. When they got old enough to do what they wanted they used to gorge themselves on it at family parties. Gave me a good chuckle anyways.

It doesn't matter whether it's a lot of presents or not. Your son should be grateful in my view. And they can always keep some for later in the year-or address the issue some other way, depending on how old the children are. If it hasn't put you off next year, I would do the same actually if you want to, and it makes you happy,
and say it's a grandmothers prerogative. If they feel it's overindulging the children, then they can explain that to them. It's their problem,not yours.

If it makes you feel better, we did something similar last year and resolved not to make the same mistake again. Instead, we felt we had maybe disappointed them!

I suppose lots of more fortunate children are over-indulged at Christmas and it would probably be better to rein in the very natural inclination to treat our children/grandchildren and instead buy some toys for local charities to distribute. I always intend to do this but never get round to organising it. I have decided to definitely get my act together and do that next year.

Dear Foxie,

"Serves you right" Everyone is allowed to an opinion but there is no need to be so unpleasant & rude. Comments with manners would be nice

Oh Happygran, I am sorry your gifts were rejected. Your son and daughter in law, should be flipping grateful that you care!! My mother used to buy carefully for my daughter but got anything for my son, and it hurt to ser the look on his face. She use to visit us, bring books for my daughter but not even a bag of sweets for my son. In the end I said something, not that it made any difference, it got to the point, where they wouldn't visit her and my dad, because of the way she treated them. My in laws were completely different, wonderful ,spent time playing with them etc. Alas they passed away, then my mother six years ago, my son didn't go to the funeral, and I wasn't going to make him. The point I y trying to make is, your son and daughter in y shouldn't be so horrid, that you are buying them gifts because you love them, not for any other reason. Big hugs, you are a caring grandmother, and they should be beeping grateful you are !

I think 8 presents each is rather a lot, given that they presumably got presents from other people. However, why weren't some of the presents simply put away and perhaps brought out on another special occasion nor as a special treat? It seems a shame to upset you about this.

My son and his partner also complain about presents with lots of components to them and we tend to keep such presents at our house to lessen the clutter at theirs.

Greatnanny, is it also good to hear that these parents are raising these children not to have good manners? That they aren't encouraged to say please or thank you, if they don't want to? Does it not disturb you that these children will not attend school because the parents don't accept teachers 'disciplining' them?

How do we define a spoilt child anyway? I personally prefer a polite child with boundaries who is 'spoilt' on one day a year to a child being reared with no manners by rude parents.

Go on mumsnet and see all the posts from parents complaining about all the tat that grandparents buy. We have to live with it all and it's so much clutter!

The OP sayes she bought a few dolls. Fact is the child will already have had a few dolls. My 3 year old has a handful. So a few more means nothing to her and just adds to clutter

I think it was thoughtless and showed a lack of respect and insight.

Dear Happygran - aw don't be upset. Very silly and ungrateful of your son to give you a telling off about your generosity.

To make you feel better I hope ..... Arrived at my DDs house to find her rushing about the grandson's playroom literally chucking toys into a huge Ali baba basket .... Bemoaning how much stuff he had blah blah.

There was no way I could hide the huge Xmas sackful I was dragging in for GS. Part if me wanted to laugh & say "if you think he's got a lot now, wait till he opens this lot".

My DD and I are avid boot salers .... Everything is so cheap that I had bough a mass of stuff. But so had she! I only bought 2 NEW pressies .... Pjs and superhero bath stuff.

But she kept on moaning about all his stuff and he kept asking for MORE!!! I told her to please bring my new stuff round to ours since his playroom here is full of babyish stuff and he's clearly got far too much at home. He spends 3 afternoons a week here & the rest of the week at nursery!

I guess what I'm saying is that our sons and daughters are somewhat insensitive to OUR feelings. In my experience a mother's place is always in the wrong .....

I can totally relate to how you feel and a good intention on your part has resulted in you feeling upset and disappointed. Tell your son how you feel but I have a gut feeling that your DIL may have given him an ear bashing .... Or am I being cynical.

All that said, I've made a resolution that next year our GS is given a max of 4 gifts ..... Something special, a nice book, Xmas chocolates and a small fun gift.

The sack is now a relic. The fact that we don't spend much is irrelevant .... He's one spoilt little boy!!!

I hope your grandchildren loved their presents .... And I hope your son calls you to apologise for being mean.

When are people gonna realise that us wonderful grandmas occasionally get it wrong cos we're only human. But everything we do is based on love.

My house is very empty and quiet today as my DS DIL and new GD have returned home ....

Wishing you a very Happy New Year x

It's really hard to get things right. Don't beat yourself up about it. I bought each of mine a main present and one tiny present. The little ones wanted Build-a-Bear vouchers and I gave them a toy costing under £5 with it and the big ones had a selection box and their present. Two years ago, before my DD split with her husband I did the same and then the other grandparents arrived with a vast box of presents, at least ten each and then the brand new bikes were produced. What was worse was that they had bought the children the same presents as I had, as well as all the rest. As you only bought yours small things, don't feel bad as your son was appallingly rude. The best thing is to give money or a voucher next year and see if your son complains then!