Presents for grandchildren rejected

you make some good points MargaretX

Whilst this exact situation has not happened to me, I can see similarities in the way you've been treated and how my only DIL has caused my son to behave towards me sometimes over what seem to be minor 'offences'. It seems ok to be rude and critical of your mil nowadays. That respect our generation showed to our mils has definitely been replaced with a know it all attitude and lack of old fashioned manners. I don't like it. I do think 8 presents is quite a lot though but don't think the parents have behaved properly over this. If you can afford it, surely it's up to how you spend your money. I bet they won't react like this if/when you want to pay 80% of their university fees. hope it sorts itself out, don't cry.

Jane10, that thought had crossed my mind too...

We are hearing this filtered through a gran outraged that her son's family don't share her views. Its quite possible that he tied himself in knots trying to be tactful but was read by the OP as saying that she'd ruined Christmas.
She wants everyone to agree that she was right to give so many gifts. Unfortunately we don't all agree. That's life.

Coming late to this discussion, dear Happygran you were just being a normal grandparent, wanting to buy things for your grandchildren. The fault lies with the two parents who should have been considerate and polite enough to say nothing to spoil your pleasure at giving! If they choose to put away some of those presents until later in the year, that is their choice. If they feel so strongly on this topic then well before next Xmas they could have had a word with you to discuss presents for their children. I am appalled by their unkind behaviour.

Thank you PensionPat! No, sorry, never even visited Wales :-(

I thought my daughter was blunt until I read what the OP's son said! Seems very harsh to criticise a mum for being kind and generous. He needs to be calmly told that you don't appreciate being spoken to like that.
This being my first Christmas as a granny, I didn't know what best to do. It's such a long time since I bought anything for a baby and times have certainly changed since I was a new mum. I asked DD what presents I should get DGS and it turned out I would have got it wrong if I'd gone with my own instinct. I stuck to what she said. 3 modestly priced wrapped up gifts and a small sum of money for them to spend on him themselves.
Ok, it's a practical not emotional solution, but as others have said, children have so much these days. Frankly, I'm glad I didn't waste my hard earned cash on things he/they didn't need or want.
I'm sorry you were upset Happygran, you meant well and I don't think you deserve to be blamed for ruining anyone's Christmas. We live and learn.

I think the parents were right to be annoyed. 8 presents are too many. My DDs don't like masses of present either and for the first five years I just put money into their accounts. they believed in Father Xmas then.

The parents want to give presents and want to see their presents valued and appreciated by their children. Not burried under a pile from the grandparents.

I think you increase the happiness of children if they remain unspoilt materialistically.

Cath9, I believe we understand our chidlren better than they do themselves, having watched them develop. I am sorry, but I totally disagree, we cannot possible know the deepest thoughts and reasoning of anyone, least of all our children and I think it very dangerous to think we do.

We interprete other people, including our children through the filters we wear over our own eyes and I suspect. I think I understand my children well, but I also very conscious that there is much I do not understand or comprehend about them and, I am sure, aspcts of their lives they conceal from me..

My grandchildren were overloaded with presents. They were given many more than eight presents each by one over generous grandparent. In the end the little 2 year old was seen walking away from the pile of unopened presents as their little brain couldn't take it! Less is more in my opinion.

Hi Chris,
Putting money aay for them is exactly what I had in mind for next years, This year,especially as the one in NZ has her birthday in December also. But it will make it more difficult for her having to change currency when she wants to the money and the other one seems to be returning to Tanzania after either her junior education or the entire school years have been completed in the uk

I have to abide by my son and his wife's rules for their kids. I have been a bit upset from time to time but need to respect their wishes and values. They also home school. Actually their children are lovely and appreciate their gifts (not too many!!)
My daughter buys loads of plastic tack for her kids and it just all gets broken and thrown away and her kids don't in fact get as much pleasure from their gifts. It is a tricky juggling act . Your son could be more tactful!!! Just apologise and in future get what they want you to get!!

Joandblunt,how refreshing,you have the right idea,
We GPs don't always do things right,but we usually do them for the right reasons.
Communication communication communication,that's the answer.
Children will grow up much better adults surrounded by love positivity and support,even if we do get it wrong sometimes who the hells perfect anyway.

I don't like talking behind my dear son's back and he was so good having me for a short period after the death of my husband.
But if you are correct, I know too well what it like, never being certain if what I buy for my granddaughter is going to pass their parents' wishes.
Poor little thing is so over protected, especially being the only child and with most of her cousins living in Africa, while one in NZ.
I believe we understand our chidlren better than they do themselves, having watched them develope, so I know why he has a short temper which is not his fault and he has high blood pressure when only 43 yrs of age. He now misses his dad so much, the only person, outide his wife and daughter, is my late husband's sister and her family. So it can be very difficult when he brings up anything just to hurt any one, especially if they are not doing what he expects them to do.

I still love him to bits though, remembering the early years

My husbands parents buy ridiculous amounts of stuff for the grandchildren at Christmas and we re talking bikes, computers etc not small things.
When we had our daughter I asked them could they please not do it with her. For one, I think your main presents should come from your parents and two, there is simply no need to have that many presents, it's ridiculous.
She was also our first and only child, we d had her late in life and I wanted to enjoy her. My husbands parents had had four children of their own and two other grandchildren to spoil, so I didn't think it was an unreasonable request.
I was told they wanted to spend the same amount on each child, so I said okay, get her a few small things and put the rest in her savings account.
They refused and instead went out of their way to go behind our backs, find out what we were getting and go one better.
In the end we unfortunately fell out very badly with them and now hardly ever see them.
So sad as a compromise could easily have been reached had they been willing to meet us half way.

I am fairly new to this site and enjoy reading the posts. However, I can't understand why some people feel they have to respond to posts in an unkind way.
My own children never had much when they were young and as a gran,I now have the opportunity to spoil my DGD. I can see where you are coming from, Happygran.
Your Ds and DIL sound very unhappy people.

" I also think the OP's son should be impaled on top of the Christmas tree and force-fed a mixture of sprouts and New Berry Fruits."

Definately!!!!

Whatever the rights and wrongs of present giving there is no excuse to ruin anyone's Christmas in this way, especially for a mistake made out of love.
Feel sorry for these kids, sounds like a very strange household. Not sure how all these weird ideas on manners will set them up for the future when they are out in the normal world. Well...relatively normal

That's very unkind of them. Maybe next year say you are spending the same on all grandchildren (I spend just £15 each) and what would they like or would they prefer you to put it towards buying a goat for a poor family in India? They sound the sort of family who might like the idea.

Dear Happygran
You are a warm hearted person who expresses love through generosity.
My DILs have wish lists for the grandkids, which I stick to. Makes life easier!
Perhaps you could show your DIL and son that you respect their wishes. You could indulge your generous side on a bonus gift for them. Cinema tickets for them as a couple or some other treat to show you value them too.
I suspect you don't treat yourself very often. Any cash you could be spent on a pamper treat for you.
Good luck!
MaryBee x

Is this the time to remember that this is about two children, 3 and 4 years old. Just the age to believe in Father Christmas and magic. As luckygirl said, we've had our turn doing stockings. How would I have felt if gps had done my DDS stockings..... and at their age, possibly lucky that they don't go to school but can have freedom to play more. Many home schooled children are delightful and inquisitive. Think one of the skills of grandparenting is also knowing when to step back and not comment on how the children we brought up are bringing up their children.

I'm with you Happygran1964 - seven to eight presents bought for each of my grandchildren this year (of varying value - some large, some small, as well as several little things on the tree. I think your son was totally out of order - if your largesse is really upsetting them, then the time to approach this would be a few months before Christmas so you know where you are. Try telling them that you have decided to give the money you would have spent on the grandchildren to a charity chosen by son and DIL - I wonder what their reaction would be then?

I'm not a grandmother (my children are only 10, 9 and 6) but this thread popped up on my Facebook feed so I wanted to comment.

I am shocked that children would speak to their parents in this way, and upset them over something so minor. My parents and IL's both give our children what they want for Christmas, and I am very grateful for everything they give, and for their relationship with my children. My IL's are very generous as my children are their only GC but that doesn't bother me.

They won't be around forever and I enjoy seeing them happy when they are with their GC. Surely as a child that's all that matters. I know it's each to their own but to hurt someone else, especially your parents who have raised you, is awful. My MIL tells me all the time how much she loves being a grandmother and I wouldn't do anything to ruin it for her, even if it means putting my personal feelings aside from time to time.

As they're so young they will not notice if their cousins have more: hold fire and seek approval for the next couple of years. Things will change, they always do.

foxie that response was unkind! "Serves you right" is not exactly helpful, even if you do feel that the motives you describe afterwards are correct!

Times have changed. When I was raising my kids in the 70's we didn't have any money and I was grateful when they got things. Nowadays with (for the most part) two working parents that is no longer the case.
I once read a story where an old man (who had been a refugee) described Christmas as"the glorious time of the great too much" I think that sums it up.
Perhaps your son had been at the Christmas Spirit when he phoned you up.
Don't let it rankle, consign it to "once a Year", like the rest of Christmas.