Presents for grandchildren rejected

Janesinsworth yes they are very controlling and I would never buy something they wouldn't approve of but they but the very things that I bought themselves anyway. Shouldn't have been a problem.

Bags Was predicting future rebellion here. I do not think this is good parenting. It's something else.

Lighten up a bit ja. We're talking Christmas here. Rules go out the window. I give my two a mountain of presents. Always have done. Never have I been upbraided for it. I am truly sad for you Happygran.

x posts janeainsworth, sorry!

..my son and daughter in law are very controlling with their children and want to approve every present in advance, this year I bought a few extra presents spontaneously..

From the OP's first post, so it seems she did know the parents' 'rules' beforehand.

Happygran
In your OP you wrote:
my son and daughter in law are very controlling with their children and want to approve every present in advance, this year I bought a few extra presents spontaneously

I interpreted that as meaning that although you knew that your son and his wife wanted to approve every present, you bought some extra ones that they didn't approve in advance.
The fact that they wanted to approve presents in advance further suggests to me that in the past you might have given presents that they didn't approve of or thought excessive.

Janesinsworth how am I going against their wishes? I wasn't issued with a set of rules lol.

Did happygran go against their wishes? She was told so after she had given the presents, I think, although I have only skimmed most of the thread so might have missed some.
It's a bit sad that her son and daughter in law could not accept their children being given playdough and Lego.
They could have easily asked her to take some back to her house, for when the kids visited.
I agree with you, paperback, they are only little for a short time. None of mine want playdough any more. My eldest has just passed her driving test, but she's not getting what she wants.

I think you are a lovely grand parent. They are only little for such a short time, if you want to buy them gifts why not? I'm sorry your son was annoyed but I think they could have kept some gifts back if they really didn't want them to have all the gifts in one go. That's what my son does when I get carried away

I would have thought that if the giving of "too many" presents spoiled his Christmas completely, then his enjoyment must have been pretty fragile to start with. They were given out of generosity and a wish to make the child happy, not to ruin the day. But we grandparents have to remember that however much we love our granchildren and want to give them the moon, they are not our children, they are our chuildren's children

Parents do naturally feel that THEY are the main givers of joy to their children and that grandparents are a welcome second. If it has hurt his pride that there were so many more parcels to open from the OP that the parents are eclipsed, that won't help family relationships in the long run.

The answer would seem to be a compromise that suits everyone. Why not buy a dozen small presents, one for each month of the year, with a big label on each with the month they are to be opened, and give them quietly to thr parents to hide away until those boring times when an injection of something new will be better appreciated that getting it all in one indigestible banquet.

Happygran It's not about the presents.
It's about going against your DS and DiL's wishes about how they bring up their own children.

Thatbags, I hardly call buying 8 presents for my own grandchildren rebelling! . You seem quite harsh in your opinions.

The point is to respect your offsprings' choices even when you don't agree with them, e.g. home schooling, perhaps, or a dislike of excessive Christmas consumption of tat.

On this thread it's the person in the older generstion who's doing the rebelling, not her kid and his partner.

Food for thought.

bellsisabelle, rebellion from offspring is healthy. I'd be shocked if it didn't occur .

So easy to give unwitting offence. After reading this thread I'm now feeling very guilty as I obviously upstaged everyone else by hosting the family for two days & nights over Xmas including other Gran and my adult step daughter as well as DD, SIL and GD and also for buying GD 8 presents (mostly under £10 a go). Also providing two days of food (and preparing and cooking it all myself), booze, snack treats, we dug up Xmas tree from local farm and did decorations,crackers, DH kept the log fire burning all the time etc. etc. No one has complained though and I loved having everyone around but next year will try to remember that as the well off grandparents (not inherited but with two professional careers all our working lives we are much better off than everyone else) we need to be very tactful as well as generous in providing the family xmas (DD does ask each year if we would mind as she can't and we always are delighted to say yes). Have learned a lot from this thread. Happy New Year

It's a minefield. I was aware of excessive amounts of pressies myself when it took two and half hours to open them in DD's household, with a lot showered on the step kids by grandparents as well as parents. It seemed far too much, and the older ones weren't grateful to be honest, and wandered off before they were all opened. Equally, even in our old age, we get an envelope of money from MIL every year which is far too much, and we have far more money than her, but can't seem to stop the flow.

Good post Ladyme

That's sad that you feel crap happygran. I do sympathise with your son and DIL as I am in a similar position with my MIL who loves buying stuff too, but Christmas is hardly the time to say something and i think it's ok to teach children that people have different values and make different decisions.

One of the problems I think my generation have which I don't remember being so bad when I was growing up in the 80s is that there is all this stuff everywhere, it's all so cheap thanks to China and disposable. I'm in the ridiculous situation of having a big clear out of my 10 yo bedroom to make room for all the stuff she got for Christmas. I honestly think one present per person would be more impactful, but it is what it is.

One of the things that stood out for me on this thread is that all the mums/grans whose sons tell them things they don't want to hear seem to be these wimps who've married harridans. Why do you think your sons are so drippy? I know my MIL thinks the same whenever we make choices she doesn't like. My OH isn't rejecting her just because he's made a different lifestyle choice. Times are different now and people bring their children up differently - I want my daughter to be a responsible consumer and to be conscious of the impact of the environment instead of buying every bit of plastic tat that catches her eye. That's not me being a spoilsport, it's us trying to influence the kind of adult she becomes - which I'm sure all previous generations did with their kids!

That said, I think if I were you happygrab, I'd let my son know that what he'd said had left me feeling really upset and that I wanted to make Christmas lovely not ruin it - perhaps you could talk to each other ahead of time next winter and see what's needed for the kids before you shop.

Or as they say on Mumsnet: RTFT

There do seem to be different views here on the amount of present giving that is deemed acceptable - I guess it is different for each family and the important thing is to be in synch with each other so that misunderstandings do not arise.

Notanan

I'm assuming that most people give presents because they know that they will bring joy to the recipient, no ulterior motives!

Hmm, perhaps Karen1959 could read back through her own posts, including her very first contribution to Gransnet, instructing someone who had the misfortune to miss a bit of information to "read the thread before commenting". As we seem to be heading for yet another of those clique/witch hunting threads, I'm off out to the sales.

Karen1959 as icanhandthemback says , there is a clique on GN who are best ignored . Don`t stop posting, most of us are pleasant, agreeable people (well most of the time) xx

Karen1959, don't step back from this site, just scroll past the 'clique'. Maybe they should read back through some of the many posts on here and see how collectively it appears that they enjoy being sarcastic, etc. You'll also see that they very often have interesting points of view that give food for thought even if you don't completely agree with them.
As for OP, I think we have brought our children up to be seen and heard, giving them a voice to challenge and fight for their 'rights." All of which is a good thing but when their views differ from ours, it is sometimes difficult to accept. Personally, I don't think you did anything wrong but trying to find a way forward in the future when the other DGC are receiving your gifts is probably the discussion you should be having. My own experiences with my DIL's show me the more respect I give to my DIL's points of view, certainly makes life easier in the long run even though I don't always agree with it. After a while, it becomes a non-issue because they learn to trust you and don't feel the need to fight you.

Well I do spoil my grand children too, only have two and they are siblings and get the same amount each. They are placed in a sack which they know is just off me , I don't necessarily spend loads of money but they are thoughtfully chosen and what they have said they've wanted/needed throughout the year. I'm afraid I bought twice the number OP bought and their mother doesn't mind, we always went a bit over the top when she and her sister were children and I never restricted her grandparents either. My other daughter spoils them just as much and we all spend Christmas together and buy nice things for the adults as well. Each to their own I say but no need to be mean or unpleasant to each other. We all check with their mother and each other what we are buying so we don't duplicate or accidentally buy what someone else might have chosen and we all have a lovely time

Happygran1964 Going forward I would consolidate the amount spent on eight separate gifts into a single gift for each child. You will spend less time shopping, choosing and wrapping and DS and DIL won't have eight excuses to complain about.