Presents for grandchildren rejected

It seems unkind to the little children to only give money next year, meaning they have nothing at all to open from you.

It shouldn't be hard to find out what their parents see as suitable, and to buy that for them.

Your son was very rude to you, but the important point is to try to have everyone happy next christmas.

Hi Sara

My grandson is 4 and granddaughter is 3. I have always avoided conflict by always consulting them about everything but guess I got a little slack thus time.

I wonder what kind of teenagers and adults they will grow up to be if not going to school nor being taught to say thank you. As a gran it is easy to not always 'tread carefully'. When I read on here how so many of our children treat their parents it makes me very sad. Don't get too upset Happygran,is this the first time it has happened, and how old are the children.

Loopy loo yes I have certainly learned my lesson. As I said it will just be money next year.

Dear Happygran, I really think you need to listen to these parents and respect their wishes. I know you meant well, but perhaps it overshadowed their presents and those of other grand parents. Perhaps discuss what would be acceptable to them and listen to their point of view.

If parents specifically say they do not want a lot of gifts for children and a grandparent ignores that request then they must expect to get a bit of a cold shoulder from the family! If however presents were bought innocently to provide fun and laughter at Christmas then the parents are being a bit mean spirited. Perhaps the parents want to provide the Xmas stocking they felt grandparents are taking over that role and feltundermined? Still people can say things thoughtfully rather than rudely!

Am I the only person who thinks it odd that they don't have to be taught manners,but they're worried about them being spoilt?
No, you're not Marmark1

I would suggest they buy a big plastic box from Wilkos and put some of the toys away in the attic and get them out over the year - on a boring rainy day some new Playdo or Lego could be very welcome.
Or are they not allowed Lego and Playdo?

Ruined Christmas - what tosh!

BlueBelle you need to re-read my post! I said, jokingly, that to save all the fuss I would get my husband to buy all the presents next year.. Oh forget it lol. I was specifically asked not to give the children a stocking so I didn't.

i m far from rich only have my pension but I have very small needs so for me I always give each of my seven grandchildren £100 for Christmas either in presents or money and that could be one item (my eldest grand daughter bought a festival ticket this year) or more smaller presents They have all known from their youngest days that I spend equally on them all and understand that one many get 8 presents and one one but they are totally equal ( except when they were VERY young and then I made sure the number of presents were equal value and amount). Five of them I see very little of as they live overseas so I would spend a whole lot more if they lived nearby and I was taking them out and about throughout the year because of that I don't see it as excessive The two that live nearer do get more treats during the year but they literally only have my daughter and me as relatives their Dad died there aunts uncles and cousins all live overseas and don't send them presents so again I feel justified in how it works for us and I have the agreement of my children I also always consult with them first on what to buy
As they become teenagers it's almost impossible to buy anything for small money for instance all my grandson got this year was a football top, football socks, a sports bag and Calvin Klein underpants = £100
I think the original poster sounds as if it's a battle of wills with each side being a bit stubborn If the presents were just stocking fillers why not put them in a stocking and give as one present and why make the kids suffer they ll have something to moan about next year they ll be lucky to get a packet of smarties sounds really petty I understand why you feel cross but is it really worth causing a problem through your own over excitement

I would want to hear the son's version of the story before I concluded he had been rude or unreasonable.

If my DGC open their presents together, I too like them to have the same number of gifts to open. If necessary I put two or three small tings together and wrap as one present. I imagine the number of presents bought and the amount spent on each GC depends greatly on the wealth of the GP. One present of a few pounds given with love is the same as 8 presents of much mor value given with love. It is the sentiment not the value that counts. As our DGC are getting older they like to have some money to spend themselves on what they would like but I like to get them a few small things to unwrap too (could be chocolates, pens, games etc). We always ask parents what the DGC would like but check with them before buying something big or unusual.

Every family has its own system and traditions. What is unusual for one is very normal for another. What seems to have happened here is one part of the family has developed a different tradition to the rest without much discussion. We are lucky, everyone in our family is currently happy with a shared tradition, in essence an acknowledged cash sum, parents are asked for suggestions but no one gets stressed if the suggestions are deviated from as long as the children like the outcome. Happygran, its understandably hard for you to feel you are being 'told off', there is no excuse for rudeness. I wonder if it would help to think about this part of your family as having a slightly different system to yours and as developing their own traditions. You aren't wrong, neither are they, you just see things differently. The important thing is you know your grandchildren love you. I am sorry you have been upset, it's a situation that could have been handled in a much kinder way. By the way, yes, we do buy several presents for our grandchildren, we are lucky, no one minds.

I think it is entirely up to Happygran to buy what she likes for her DGC. If her son and DIL have a problem with it, then maybe they should have ignored it this year, except of course, to say thank you for the gifts, and then next year, before anything is bought, maybe have a kind word with Happygran about what they consider is appropriate for the children. To accept her gifts and then complain is appallingly bad mannered and ungrateful. I'm sorry, but I can't see it in any other light. I would have been devastated if my Daughter and SIL had acted like this. There must have been a better way to deal with this situation.

Agree with thatbags and DaphneBroon.

Giving involves both giving from you OP and receiving from them.

If you are concerned that one set of cousins would therefore get less that the other set, you could say give 4 or 5 presents instead of 8, and put the monetary value of the other 3 presents that you would have given, into a savings account for when that set of cousins is older.
Win win?

I think it's up to parents to do the "stocking" things and GPs can give one present , but each family to their own traditions. I buy/ make my GC PJs and a present as suggested by parents, this year 2 had vintage baby dolls and outfits made by me, 2 had remote control cars selected by OH. The best present for everyone was a bumper car game.

Karen, it was perhaps your "I suggest you read the thread before commenting" remark that Daphne thought was dismissive. I thought it was too. I also agree with you that the son handled this situation badly.

I agree Luckygirl.. My son and daughter-in law would let me know, in a kind way, if they had a problem with the 'pillowcase from nana' tradition... No thunder is being stolen.

I think it is part of our job not to steal the thunder of our children - it is their turn to fill the stockings - we have had our turn.

Sincere apologies DaphneBroon for my supposedly 'rude' comment.. I agree 'one persons stocking filler may be another person's main present.. As I said, 'semantics.' 8 presents may be a lot by your standards.. But not by any standards, certainly not by mine.. I spend £40 on each of my four grandchildren.. That £40 fills a 'pillowcase' for each of them to open on Christmas day.. My grandmother did this.. My mother did it for my children.. I do it for my grandchildren.. I fully appreciate that, as grandparents, we have to respect our children's wishes regarding grandchildren. But surely it is wrong to bring your mother to tears on Christmas day by accusing her of 'ruining' christmas? In the words of William Blake 'A Truth That's Said With Bad Intent Beats All The Lies You Can Invent'

We have set a sum (the same one ) to spend on each grandchild on his birthday and at Christmas. We ask their parents what we should buy for them, so this isn't wasted on stuff they don't need/want or on duplications.

This Christmas we spent the full amount on Brio for one grandson, so he had 5 largish presents to unwrap, and just a token amount on one present each for the other two, with cash top ups for their savings. This works really well for us, but they always open their presents at their own homes, so can't compare what they're given. They're all too young to understand why one would get lots of parcels and the others just the one, so I can see it would be really awkward if they were opening them all together.

Happygran1964 re telling the grandchildren just tell them the truth ...if they ask ....ie. Mummy and Daddy like you to have just a few presents (maybe add "so that the ones you get are extra special")

A bit rude dismissive Karen 1959?? (M0nica's post.)
One person's "stocking filler" may be another person's main present. I think it is only fair to consult with parents as however much we may enjoy indulging our DGC their parents have the responsibility for their upbringing and how they view gifts.
And 8 presents is a lot by any standards.
Interesting that this thread seems to coexist with one bemoaning the plethora of children's presents

We buy each GC one present costing roughly up to £20 - the amount varies with each child depending on what they like, and I do not try to match the cost for each one. I love them with all my heart, but I do think that is entirely sufficient. We send lots of loving messages and take a great deal of interest in them and their lives, but we do not shower them with gifts - I do not think that is necessary and their parents would not like that either.

But saying you ruined their Christmas is a bit OTT I agree.

We always consult with the parents about what our GC might like and what they would be happy for them to receive - that way there are no crossed wires. My DD suggested a sort of "gun" that throws out little sponge balls for one of the boys - I think she is beginning to regret the suggestion!!!

We sometimes buy them little things during the year if we happen to be out at the shops with them, but they have very clear rules: e.g. Today you can only look as I do not have enough money to buy anything - but you are allowed to look at everything (which they really enjoy); or Today you can choose one thing that must cost less than £x. They enjoy looking at everything and making a wise choice. The looking is half the fun.

Maybe consult with them next year; and keep the little treats for spacing out during the year if parents are OK with that.

Am I the only person who thinks it odd that they don't have to be taught manners,but they're worried about them being spoilt?
8 presents? Mine had half of toys are us.Far too much,I admit.

J52

Husband can do the shopping next year... They'll really have something to moan about then as they will be lucky to get a packet of smarties each!