inlaws

Why on earth would anyone do that? I suppose it's true that there's nowt so queer as folk!

My mil declined a wedding invitation on our behalf. It was sent with hers and we knew nothing about it. It was from DH 's oldest school and university friend. I only found out about it after she died when the bride said she was so sorry DH hadn't been at her wedding. So Valerie you are not alone.

Miserable lot!

valerie72 I don't know if I mentioned it before, but if she gave you a set of knives you must pay her for them - probably only a shiny penny for each knife - otherwise it will cause strife and risk cutting off the relationship.
Perhaps that's where it all went wrong ...
DD's MIL gave her an iron for her birthday; she knows how much DD loathes ironing.

Thanks everyone, my inlaws even invite themselves to my house for christmas, I wouldn't dare to the same back.

I would have been pissed off and probably wouldn't visit for a while lol. My door is always open to my family, day or night and our grown up children, nephews, my sister, my Mum and a coupe of others have keys and come and go as they please. On the down side, I often find my tea missing from the fridge and my printer is perpetually out of ink and paper!

As you say, BlueBelle, we only have one side of the story here. The business with the wedding invitation sounds indefensible, but a set of knives for my birthday? I'd have been very grateful. Our knives barely cut butter and my lovely DMIL always used to give me a nylon waist slip from the market, four sizes too big. I think I'll dig them out, they might fit me now

I don't care for people dropping in unannounced. Sending a text takes seconds and is just considerate. But I'd never dream of bundling my grandchildren out of the house like that

Well if you read Valerie's post the wedding happened years ago so all this advice about ringing making excuses etc is pointless

It does sound as if you have not had a close relationship with your in laws for ever and of course we only hear one side of the story you even bring up the fact that she bought you a set of kitchen knives again years ago (are you making out that was a vindictive present) so basically I guess if you have always found your in laws rude and unkind and not really got on with them then( and you seem to be thinking of all the instances that they have upset you over the years) i guess this turning away business is just more of the dislike you probably both feel for each other

I must say it must be very difficult for your husband to be stuck in the middle of these two women he obviously loves with dislike for each other's in their hearts

There's no need to involve the bride in the family squabbles.
valerie72 could just apologise for not attending and say that they didn't receive their invitation, and leave it at that.
There's no need to make up a cover story for MiL, tho.

Monica I don`t understand why the op should cover for the MIL by telling a lie about the invitation. It is a really nasty (and deliberate) thing to do .

That is out of order , I would be very angry about the wedding invitation and let the bride know that you never received it as it was not passed on to you . This MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work , don`t let her get away with her bad behaviour .

Given that you clearly have a 'difficult' MiL, her behaviour in turning you away was unfortunate, but surely is par for the course. So if this specific event was unforeseen, her previous actions make it typical.

I think in these circumstances I would just accept that events like this have happened and will continue and the best thing to do is shrug them off.

As for the invite, contact the newly marrieds, apologise for your absence and say MiL thought she had given you the invite, but found it later under a pile of papers. Tell her you have been in touch to apologise for your absence and leave her to decide what to make of your actions.

I think under the circumstances, the fact that these relations were only there for a short time, that is was really not nice of her to tell you to leave. I think I would have just said get yourselves a drink and nibbles, whatever, and we can have a natter after dinner.

Having said that though, I am probably the worlds worse for hating unexpected visitors. I really cannot stand anyone turning up at the door without an invite, that doesn't really go for family though, that's different. The wedding invitation thing, That is terrible, what a wicked thing to do.

I would have welcomed you in, cooked a few extra spuds and cracked open the wine!

Thanks GrammaM, my thoughts entirely

Valerie- I think your MIL was way out of order. If family turn up you welcome them in. Not send them away feeling like idiots..

Thanks everyone

VALERIE72, I think she has a problem, to show you up like that is awful but to not give you about the wedding invitation is wicked, she obviously didnt want you to attend.Your Husband should have had a word at the time, as you left milk etc in the kitchen she knows that you would have seen the invitation but now thinks she can treat you like dirt. I t would be the last time i crossed her door until she apologised and even then i'm not sure i would accept

It was a bad time to choose to visit especially if your MiL was planning a special last meal. Although my house is always open to unexpected visitors I would have been rather put out myself, mainly because the meal might not have stretched to another 4 (?) people.

That said, your MiL could have been more tactful and handled the situation better. I'd have asked you to come back in a couple of hours saying that we were just about to eat but would love to see you then.

I would never call in without calling ahead, neither would our daughters or son.

My late and beloved mum did it to me once, and although she stayed for a cup of coffee and a chat, I was up to my eyes in cleaning, she could see it was not a convenient time as I needed to get everything put back before picking up the youngest from playgroup.
It was my daughters birthday last week, we had seen one another the day before and card n presents were dropped off. We were passing in the early evening and I decided not to drop in as I bet that they had got their young sons to bed and were sitting down to a quiet birthday meal, so I didn't ring either. When we spoke the next day, she said she had rung me but getting no answer presumed we were out so didn't leave a message. When I explained where we had been and why I had not popped in or rang, she said spot on!
BUT why have all three got keys to our house and alarm code yet we only have house keys to our sons!
However I think in this case I would want an explanation for the wedding invitation, and how clarity on 'calling in' behaviours that applies to everyone in terms of consistentcy.

So there is history here. I wouldn't blame you if you decided not to contact her and leave it up to your OH to liaise with his family. I still think, given you know what she is like, you should have phoned first before appearing on the doorstep. At least you would have avoided the unpleasant confrontation.

My family are welcome anytime..my kids don't need an invitation,keep stuff in freezer spare ..he's a veggie...although not married friends/partners/although and GF welcome...all different my mum once sent me away after a 20 mile journey made to give her mothers day gifts with 2 children we wasn't staying ..her reason she was going out with BF that night it was 11am she always complained of being left out....

I think you have answered your own question. It reads that your MIL is in control, and people tread carefully round her. If she calls on you without invites, then why should you not call on her. Wedding invite not being past on is very unkind. You have a choice, talk to her or let it go. I would talk to her myself, I had a difficult MIL and try hard to be the opposite with my children's partners, but issues can only be resolved if you raise them and make your feeling known and dicuss without getting into a row.

yearofthetiger, my children are not babies that would have been running around, They sit and are very well behaved. There has been loads that my MIL has done, but nobody answers back maybe thats the problem

I wouldn't treat anyone like that. I feel your mother in law is not really a kind person. How could she treat her grandchildren in such a dismissive way? It's just unkind