Split

"Well, no one forbids us to do anything, not even our daughter. "

Therein lies disaster - be warned!

You will not be able to provide the counterbalance that you desire if your DD stops you seeing the children, which is what is likely to happen if you go against her wishes.

This is not a battle of wills where you have to make the point that you will not be dictated to. Please try and put that aside.

Please take a step back here, curb your irritation and take a measured approach. Your current approach is going to worsen the situation. What is to be gained by losing contact with your GC? Nothing whatsoever - except more losses for those poor children.

Our posts crossed, Peardrop. Try not to be too strong willed about the situation. Honestly, sometimes, 'Least said, soonest mended' is the best approach.

We were in this position two years ago with DS and DDiL. I hated breaking off contact with my DiL because we had always got on well and she is an excellent mother to the two DGCs. We kept our distance as asked and I hope she understood. Fortunately we don't live near so there was no liklihood of bumping into her.

I now hear from DS that they are on friendlier terms. They have both moved on with their lives and have new partners. The DGCs are very happy and settled which is the main thing.

I have my fingers crossed that the opportunity may arise when I can get back in contact with my now ex DiL even if it's just a Christmas card. We were once very close and when a marriage breaks up it feels like a bereavement if you have to break off contact.

Do whatever is asked of you, Peardrop. Wait for things to settle down and then you may be able to get back in touch with your DSiL without upsetting your DD.

Yes the GC are our priority. We have told both D and SIL together that we will be there for both of them but most importantly for the children. But it is our proposed contact with SIL that D objects to. She infact says she forbids us to see him. Well, no one forbids us to do anything, not even our daughter. She is poisoning the boy's against their father and someone has to try to counterbalance that. SIL's parents are both dead and he was an 'only'. We are the people he seems closest to and we want that to continue.

The priority here is to make things as easy as possible for the children; if this means you not contacting your SIL, then that is how it has to be. The children must come first.

As others have said, with any luck the acute bitterness will gradually subside and you will be able to renew contact with him without cutting yourselves off from the children - they need some continuity and you can be that. That is the priority.

Yes, better to tell him on the phone.

I would caution against putting anything in writing. If it ever came out your D would feel very betrayed.

I agree, give your D time for the rawness of the separation to subside and maybe she will come round. I would respect her wishes for now and perhaps write to her H and explain that you would like to maintain contact in the future.
I'd love not to have contact with my GC's father but they live with him so I have to be civil or we don't see the GC.

An awful problem Peardrop but you should let your son-in-law know how sorry you are, but tell him the situation ( you risk losing both your DD and DGC otherwise).?

Could you stop seeing your SIL for a while at least until the dust settles? It is not worth alienating your D over this so if she insists I think you have to go along with it sadly.