Very confused

So sorry to read this, but tbh it looks like there is very little to be confused about, he's lying to you.Yes, he may look sad and distracted, but that might be because he's lying to you, and trying to juggle things.

You say "things don't add up", actually I rather think they do!

You are bound to feel shocked and hurt, but this is quite common now I have read,
The websites are are more about fantasy flings than anything else ( although it is possible he has actually met somebody.)It happens when men are feeling depressed and wondering if it is all downhill from now on, and these sexy conversations with a stranger perk them up.However trivial though, now that he has admitted it to you,I would tell him you can understand why he did it, but that if he wants to continue life with you he has to stop.Agree to do things that will cheer both of you up like a holiday away together,and generally going out more. See if that helps ( it will if he loves you.)Good luck.

Thank you Rosesarered. I think you are right that this is not so unusual. At the moment it is difficult to get him to stay at home for more than a week and my inclination has been to become more and more independent and meet up with my own friends. I am also quite private so haven't talked about this to anyone.

What a shock all this must have been for you. Are your children aware of what is going on? Is there anyone you trust enough who you can speak to in confidence? You say you are a private person so it may be difficult to think about talking this through, But I am sure it will help you to consider options. Certainly you and your husband need to discuss what you both want. If he is depressed this won't be easy.
Good luck silverlining47 from me silverlining48.

What a worrying and upsetting situation. I believe it's all too easy to start something on the net which seems harmless but may go on to develop into something more serious. You don't say how old your husband is - is he younger than you? I would be concerned about the missing money too and wonder if the two things are connected - could he have given this away to someone? There are so many scams out there he might have fallen for something and now be involved in something he can't get out of which will be worrying him. Are you able to travel back to the UK with him on one of his visits to his mother - you could perhaps then spend some time together away from home and try to rekindle the initial love you felt, I agree if you have a friend you could confide in it might help but it's a situation you need to get to the bottom of with your husband before you can help him over the depression he seems to be in. Good luck

Think you need to be practical too silverlining47, it's worrying that money has gone from your account and you need to call a halt to that. The Internet is wonderful in many ways but also has its down side as you have found. Try talking this through as everyone has said but don't lose sight of practicalities amongst all the emotional stuff.

How did you find out that this money was missing? the dating sites and emails etc; Did your husband leave signs for you to find to start an escape route for himself? If he as he said was feeling sad and depressed he wouldnt be doing all that, theres something deeper going on that needs to be discussed and dealt with.

Maybe the money went to one of his "contacts" who claimed to need it for some emergency?

This must all have been such a shock to you. Does your DH want to stop this behaviour? If so, ask him how you can help.

Definitely protect your own finances, however you decide to go ahead.

There are too many stories about people being conned out of their money by fake "partners" on dating websites - one recently on You and Yours (I think) had paid thousands for a girl's air fare from Africa. Why alarm bells do not go off within seconds I cannot imagine but these tricksters are very clever and presumably know how to "play" their victim.
In your shoes I would be seeing red warning lights.
1) make sure your own money is safe,
2) confront him with the evidence, he may be desperate for a way out or still delusional, but
3) you need to make sure you, your home, savings, pension etc are SAFE
Either way you need not be confused, but need to wise up and take steps.

What a shock but it started 18 months ago so unless you ve swept in under the carpet and believed all his brush offs you should have had time to realise it's a very serious situation
Open your own bank account if you a haven't a separate one already
To all intents and purposes he seems to have moved on whether its fairytale websites or reality it can't just be a scam as you mention romantic emails
Do you really want someone around you who you patently can't trust at all and who seems to not want to be In the marriage any more you say he is spending more and more time away surely he's telling you by his actions
You say you are an independent person I think you need to build that side of life up If he won't explain or give you any clues to the reason for this 'long term ' behaviour ( it didn't start yesterday 18 months is a long time ) I guess the marriage is over

I don't have any advice, this is beyond my experience so all I can do is offer you my sympathy and hope that you find a way through.

Thank you all for being so supportive. Willow 500, DH and I are similar ages. He's past retirement age. Christinefrance, I discovered the money had gone from the business account which is in both our names so no 'snooping' necessary. However he has refused to let me see the details of the credit card that he was using. His explanation was sort of plausible.....a business venture that didn't materialise......but far more money than we would ever spend without consulting each other.
A few months after that I found a print out of this dateline email screwed up in the waste paper basket. It was harmless but odd. He said it was just a silly thing he did.
After that his work situation changed and so he needed to travel abroad a lot. Not strange at first and nothing to make me suspicious. Only recently and as other people commented on how much he was away did I start 'snooping'! Guilty as charged! I found some stuff on his computer desk top which showed seductive emails to various
girls on a dating website. He admits this. More worryingly is that he now gets paid
into his private bank account and refuses point blank to let me see that.
He's away again now and when he returns family will be staying. His mum is very ill and the timing is all very bad. btw I have my own bank account and we share a joint account for household expenses. Our savings are in separate accounts.

I am going to assume the women he is contacting are younger. Apparently some older men look at their same age partners and see their own mortality. If they have a younger partner it is some sort of denial of their own mortality. Not that this, if true, is necessarily any help. I would definitely try and protect your financial interests. A friend had a similar situation and threw her husband out. He was in a hotel. She was going to divorce him. I advised her to take time to let things settle and consider the situation. Her husband was paying for "massages! ". Why?? Make him feel younger... enables sex etc. What would divorce mean for her at this stage of life?? They are still together. So you have a very difficult situation to sort out. Good luck .

The timing is all very bad but you can't sweep it under the rug for much longer.
He needs to understand that you won't tolerate his behaviour and that it could lead to the end of your marriage.
Of course, you don't want the marriage to end but things can't stay as they are.

Bluebelle, some scams operate by making contact on dating websites and exchanging romantic emails to set up a "relationship" then asking for "loans".

For nine thousand pounds I would want to see exactly the details of the deal he said he lost it on. If it was business money, wasn't it half your money??

What a shock. You sound as if you're in denial and having difficulty processing things (not surprisingly).

I think you've done really well acknowledge what's happened by posting here. It's in the open now, so you have to face it. I hope the responses are helping you.

I think the first thing to tackle is the missing money.

Sorry pressed too soon.

Your dh's "depression" could well be guilt at being found out. He's sulking, not depressed, imho. His little secret is no longer a secret, and furthermore, he has to account for a missing £9k.

Please protect yourself. See a lawyer, the CAB; anyone who can advise you.

Whether you stay or go depends on what you're prepared to tolerate.

Thank you everyone, your responses are fantastic. Thank you so much. 'Gettingonabit' maybe you are right and I've been in denial although I didn't think I was. But writing everything down quite concisely for this has made me realise how it all adds up ( or doesn't, as the case may be!) On the occasions when DH has been home there has been a feeling of bringing the subject up but trying to make the most of the few days we have together.
You're right.....now it's out in the open I have to face it. Thank you.

Keep posting for support, silver.