30 year old daughter married nearly 5 years & no children yet, should I say anything?

If you are close as mother and daughter, it may be that in general conversation, perhaps when discussing a pregnant friend or relative, you could hint that you are interested to know whether she plans to have a family in a few years or is happy with a childfree lifestyle. Surely it is OK to tactfully ask your children their life plans, whilst not commenting/judging their views.

Personally I wouldn't mention the question of declining fertility - surely most people are now all too aware of the problems they may have if they leave it too late. Because we have a close relationship I knew that my dd had 2 early misses before having her first, so pregnancy no. 3 was a very anxious time at first. But I was glad I had never said anything about longing for grandchildren, since that would only have made such sad disappointments harder for her to bear.

I wouldn't say anything - 30 is still young IMO.

My elder dd had her first last year at 38 and has just had her 2nd at 39.

IMO they want babies they will do it - if they can - when they are ready and circumstances are right. Time and circs weren't right for my dd till she was late 30s. I never asked or said anything beforehand since I didn't want her to feel under pressure.

Yes, I saw the report of that Robert Winston programme, Grannyben. And how many women would actually know when their mother's menopause began? I think you were very wise to mention it.

I am commenting from a slightly different angle. I began my menopause at 42 and I always remember watching a Professor Robert Winston programme when he said that if you are planning to have children you should ideally ensure that you have started trying at least 10 years before the age your mother's menopause began. That would obviously mean that my daughter's start trying before the age of about 32. I have often mentioned this to them, just so they are aware but I would never dream of asking them if they are actually trying or intending to have children.

I've been there with two daughters. I was sometimes quite depressed as the 30th birthdays came and went. But one son in law really loved children and sure enough he brought DD2 round and she had one at33 and the other at 36. She's such a lovely mother it has even surprised her!

As for her sister,she has made it as well and was 38. It may fit their life pattern but I am an old grandma. If I were 10 years younger I would have been able to do more activities with them.
As it is I get so easily tired but they are teenagers now and have their own lives.

I agree with Indinana in that it depends on your relationship.
I have two g'dtrs through my son, but my dtr and her partner have no children, and I should say that they both knew that I was certainly wasn't craving any more grandchildren, so no pressure at all from me. My daughter had always said that if it happened ok, if not, that was ok too, and she has never been off birth control. However, they have never had any spare money so, just before they got to 40 I did ask, making it clear that my only reason for doing so was to offer some financial support if that was what was stopping them. As I suspected they are very happy as they are and content being a fabulous Aunt and Uncle. No one was offended that I asked. But, I must stress, that they were already very clear that I wasn't expecting either of my children to 'give me grandchildren' - that, I believe, must always be their own choice with no pressure from anyone else. (Do totally love, adore and would die for the granddaughters I've got though.)
To add to that, I am proud of them for making this choice. Most of their friends and siblings have children and they have seen first hand that it is no easy job to raise children these days. They know that parenthood is not for them and have resisted the barbed comments and pitying looks they sometimes get.
My son and his wife have two dtrs, but had they not had children I wouldn't have felt able to raise the subject with them. We have a good relationship, but not quite close enough for something so personal.

Haven't read the whole thread but definitely depends on your relationship with your DD.

I spoke both my DD's a within the last year or so just to let them know that early menopause runs in our family so that they should bear that in mind. I have said it now while they are both still very young (21 and 25) just so that they are informed without feeling pressured. I said it because we have a close relationship and I know that they are both very keen to include motherhood in their individual life plans at some point.

That having been said, I did manage to have all my 3 DC in my early 30s but, as things panned out, they must have been practically the last three eggs in the basket!

Now I have equipped them with the information I feel they had a right to know, I am shutting up on the subject and if they want to confide in me at any point, they know they can.

Yes, that's an important point to remember. One of my piano pupils is a 31 year old primary teacher. She's been married 8 years and her mother lives next door to me (that's how she came to be a pupil in the first place).

Her mother has said on a couple of occasions, when I've had to apologise to her for noisy GC in the garden, 'Not to worry, I've given up hoping for GC, I don't think **** wants children.'

This week, during her lesson she suddenly said 'Oh! I'll have to take a break from lessons after Christmas, I'm 15 weeks pregnant.' I said how wonderful then she added 'It's been a long time coming.'

I simply say 'Oh???' and it all came out about how they'd been trying for the last three years, had fertility tests, everything was fine, but still they couldn't conceive. They'd just started to think about IVF when !!!!! Her mother knows nothing of this, except the fact that she's now going to be a grandmother, at last..

I'm sure there are complicated reasons this couple have kept their worries to themselves. But I thought I'd throw this good news into the arena as it does offer hope to the OP.

There are one or two harsh comments here from posters who've not taken on board bee63's reason for her question - concern for her daughter, not a desire to be a grandma or to interfere.

Whether you say anything or not depends of course on your relationship with your daughter. Personally, I'd just keep quiet, assume she knows what she's doing whether she's planning on having children or not, and be ready with your help and support if she asks for it.

But I do remember watching a TV programme about declining fertility in the over-30s where the presenter was checked as an example and was visibly shocked to find that her fertility at 35 years old was under 10%. It's often a case of "it happens to others, not to me".

I can't believe that anyone would interfere in such a personal matter! If ones children decide they don't want children, then so be it. It is very sad to imagine that anyone's older happiness depends on being a grandparent!.

Marbled123, I understand your feelings, note my previous contribution on this thread, it is the most awful thing to see your beloved daughter in tears over infertility, it breaks your heart (it's painful to see your child in tears over anything, even when the child is an adult) so I do feel for you and your daughter in this situation. All you can do is try your best to support her now whatever she chooses to do, I have 2 grandchildren by IVF and one through adoption, and we love them all to bits. There are other routes to parenthood if she wishes, she'll need her parents support whatever she decides to do.

Bee Re:- Grandparent in waiting. I didn't have my children for them to make me a granny. I had them for me to enjoy them. Please, just enjoy your own child/adult. Do things with her now that you might not be able to do when and if she has a baby in tow. And if one or two or more come along, then they are a bonus to your life.

Say nothing, even though you're dying to. My DS and his wife married in 2001 when they were both 25 years old. I know they both were very ambitious to get decent careers and a house before embarking on parenthood. I was very keen to know if I was going to be a granny but kept my mouth shut. They had their first daughter in 2009 and their second in 2011. They are excellent parents and I love being Gagi aka Granny.

Just a thought....... Many couples today are busy working to pay the mortgage/rising up a career ladder etc. These couples assume they will be fertile when they decide to have a family but sadly this is not always the case as fertility drops off sharply for a woman in her mid-thirties.

If my daughter had not mentioned having a family by her early-thirties, I would gently ask if she knew about fertility etc. If I didn't mention it, who would? Couples may read about some couples struggling to become pregnant but assume this won't happen to them.

I understand that this is an extremely sensitive subject but as a mother, I feel I owe it to my child to ensure she knows the statistics. If she is choosing not to become pregnant, that of course is her prerogative.

I think and hope that my daughter would understand the difference between noseyness and love and concern.

I'm surprised at that Mardler....and it's sad for her. I would have thought everyone understands about declining fertility after the mid-30s? I suppose there are some individuals who think they'll be ok, and of course most couples do manage to have babies beyond their mid 30s, but how could she need someone to 'warn' her things might not be easy after that time? How old was she when she realised?

I took the 'non of my business don't say anything' approach and lived to regret it. Awful to hear your daughter in tears saying but no one warned me.

Good decision Bee. I still remember at my fil's funeral being told " that he had never seen his grandchildren " as the only one married of his three children my DH shrugged it off. But it was aimed at me. I was 23. Ridiculous .

My brother and I got married the same year and my husband and I had children two years later as we really wanted them. My brother and sil did not for about 5/6 years. It split them up and I really think they would have been happier without. ExSil ignores her only granddaughter who is 6. My brother has remarried a widow who had no children of her own...not by choice. She dotes on the girl and is a true loving grandma. Not every couple should have children.

No say nothing not our business at all

As its only you worrying about her as you say and not your need to be a Nana she will surely talk to you if and when she's ready and if she has anything to talk about

My three children were all in the late 20s early 30 s when they had children I thought I would not be a Nana now I have 7 all nearly grown

I go with the majority - absolutely her business and NOBODY else's. We had
our first after seven years and out of choice. Father in Law asked several times and made me very angry at his intrusion. Our daughter was 38 and it was never discussed until she handed me a pair of knitting needles and a ball of wool.

Ds was 38 and dil was 41 when they decided the time was right to have a baby. Career/security etc. Dgd was born one year later.
We had thought there would be no and were so happy for them, and we were so so so glad that we had not probed.

Please don't ask - but be ready should your dd give you an opening.

My DD1 and her now DH had been together 10 yrs before they had a child. I was not particularly expecting her to have a child as they were very happy with there lifestyle. They got married two years later..also a surprise as was the arrival of DGS2 four years ago! She adores her boys as does their dad. We are all very close but I would never pry because I know if there had been a medical issue she would have eventually told me. best to keep your own counsel.

Say nothing.

If you've had the sort of relationship where you could ask, you wouldn't need to. You'd know her/their thinking. Stay schtum.