30 year old daughter married nearly 5 years & no children yet, should I say anything?

I'd keep quiet! My son and his wife have no children but they decided against having any. Their decision. I know DILs mum keeps on at them to have children as she wants another grandchild (her son has a wee boy) and it makes my DIL very cross!

As others have said, if daughter wants children but hasn't been successful so far, I'd have thought she would have said something but if she's made a decision not to have children, maybe they don't want to bring it up for fear of being nagged!

I can't see the a valid reason for bringing up the subject with your daughter if she hasn't said anything. If it's because YOU want to be a grandmother, well that's a selfish reason, isn't it?

I had my firstchild a week before my 35th birthday by choice. I wouldn't ask my daughter who is now 31. Best when the time is right, if at all.

DD had been married for 10 years before she had a baby. I'd presumed they weren't going to bother by that time. Then she waited another 6 years before the second one. We don't do things in a hurry in our family!

Definitely do not say anything. Firstly, they may be trying and not succeeding to have a child but don't want to tell anybody. Secondly, they may not want children at the moment (I was married 10 years before I had my children) but may change their mind later. Thirdly, they may not want children at all and you shouldn't expect them to. If you are lucky enough to have grandchildren it is a bonus and not an expectation.

bee63, I asked the very same question on Gransnet some time ago, regarding my son and his wife who have been together some 14 years. They are now late 30s with no sign/mention of babies. I took the advice not to ask any questions and as time has gone on, I am absolutely sure that I did the right thing. I would far rather they don't have children if that is their choice, than have them to conform with what others see as the norm. My daughter has 2 small children and I have seen how hard it is with working/childcare costs etc. They should be left to do as they wish and unless they raise the subject with you, I would say nothing.

????!!

Definitely, say nothing!

Deciding to have a child now is very different from when most of us had children. Both parents must work and childcare costs the same as the mortgage. Once the child is at school, life becomes a non-stop frenetic struggle to get everyone to work or school and after-school care in place, with contingency plans for every emergency.
School holidays are a nightmare and nobody can ever be ill. My daughter was out of the house for 11 hours every weekday and had children who never slept through the the night until they were 8 or 9 years old.
Not much fun, costs an absolute fortune, no wonder so many women decide not to.

Glad to hear you won't be mentioning it. My daughter & her husband have been married 4 years & would dearly love children but it's not happening. If this is happening to your daughter she may find it hard to talk about & not want to share it. I know this is how my daughter felt & she would've hated to be probed for details. It all came to light when she burst into tears whist holding her little nephew. "I want a baby of my own mummy" Heartbreaking.

Good decision bee63.

Should you say anything? No, no and no. I get on brilliantly with my daughter, who is coming up for 32, and we share most things, but she overheard someone asking me if I had any grandchildren and when I replied not yet she was utterly enraged. Its taken us a long while to get the issue sorted and even now she frequently reminds me that having, or not having children, is a choice entirely for her and her partner to make. I totally agree with her, but can now see what a touchy subject this is. Apparently she fairly frequently gets asked by other people if she will have kids and is very fed up about it.

Good decision Bee.

Say nothing

My mother and friends put a lot of pressure on me when I'd been married 5 years. When I mentioned it to my GP she said they all just wanted me to be as tired and miserable as them!
I did go on to have children with a different partner and never put any pressure on my daughter who has chosen not to have children. We don't own our kids and should support them in whatever choices THEY make.
I didn't expect to ever be a granny but 4 years ago my son and his partner had a little girl. She is a joy and I love her to bits but she's a bonus, not an expectation.

Thank you for all your lovely responses & making me see sense. I know it's not really any of my business but I guess you never stop worrying about them & hoping everything's ok.
Of course, if dd decides she doesn't want children then good for her, I'd far rather that than having children because it's what's expected of her.

Thanks again everyone.

Desperately wanted children but they didn't come, though eventually, after medical intervention, they did. I remember vividly the relatives who commented "Time there was the patter of little feet", etc. and how miserable and useless it made me feel, and what an intrusion it was. Definite lyrics don't ask.

Our DS (our only child) met his future wife at Uni:after some years they married, aged 27 & 26. Years passed without children - during which time DH and I never/ever asked. You can guess how thrilled we were when (after eight years of their marriage) DGD arrived, to be followed by DGS two years later. I'm so glad we never said anything.....

It's definitely a no no topic to mention to them! My DS has a five year old GS and I have been anxious that the second child hasn't come along soon enough! I don't know whether they have decided to take a break and it's a sensitive subject so I'll take those views to keep quiet and watch the situation!

I was very young and had been married about 2 weeks when my mum asked if I was thinking of having a baby. I was taken aback but could see she was worried so I said no not yet a while and she said good enjoy yourselves for a bit. I found out after I had my eldest daughter that mum had a terrible time having my brother and I and she was really worried about me having children in case I had the same problems. I have made it a point never to ask about babies turning up but my DOH bowled straight in a couple of times before being told off by our son after enquiring if there was going to be baby number 3!!

Why on earth do you feel the need to say anything. It's none of your business.

Zip the lip!

I understand where you are coming from, as it is possible to leave it too late, but it is their choice.

It is also possible to leave it so late that grandma is struggling to keep up with caring for the GC!!

Ye gods, I hate to say it but it is none of your business. Perhaps they don't want children, perhaps they are having trouble conceiving. Whatever, even though you are her mum it is none of your business. They are a married couple, whatever they decide to do is between them and nothing at all to do with anyone else.

And what i wanted to say is that 30 these days is still very young. The daughter of a friend has just had her first baby at 40, and has taken to it like the proverbial duck. It just means grandparents are often older than before. I will be lucky to see my 2 grandchildren graduate, very lucky to dance at their weddings (if they marry) never mind being a great grandparent, though do know of a few people in their early 60's who are already great grandparents.

Well said DaphneBroon! And I am so glad that you have decided to say nothing bee63 as this is, IMHO, the appropriate course as whether other people have children or not is no one else's business apart from theirs. My MIL decided that it was, in her view, appropriate, to share her (unasked for) views and opinions about my husband and I having / not having children. Result? Neither my husband nor I have had absolutely anything to do with her for years.

I was married 7 years before having my first child, which was by choice, and got thoroughly fed up with questions, not from my mum but from others who initially assumed we could/would have a baby, but as time went on 'assumed' there were medical problems, and later still was told how selfish i was not to have children, and on and on it went, ad nauseum. we were living in a rented flat and saving hard to get a deposit for a small house so both of us needed to continue working. no help from mum and dad then.

If they wanted to talk to you about it they would have done but as others have said, people wait a lot longer these days. May not be entirely sensible for the woman as the clock ticks, but where most of us left school early, met and married early and had children early, they have stayed at school longer, had gap years, done university degree/s, had another gap year, so everything is much later these days. I was out to work at l5, probably a full l0 years earlier than most young people today (and 20 years later got my degree too, but without the gap years ).