Am I being overly sensitive?

Yes I am very open about all aspects of my life. I prefer things to be out in the open. Probably too much at times

Is it general knowledge that you have had breast cancer? I'm just wondering whether you maybe haven't talked about it much outside the home and your DDIL thought you wouldn't want it overly publicised - especially somewhere that you go regularly. Sometimes we are over-sensitive to other people's feelings.

My daughter did race for life last year I had a little weep when I saw running to support mum and others with cancer on her back I had not long finished chemo then and she did it to show she cared hope all recovering well ?

I can see another point of view. DIL may have thought it too recent and not wanted to upset you. My DIL hasn't told her relatives and friends that I am being treated for cancer, it is the kind of thing you don't advertise without permission.

Yes because we have looked after our DGD 2 days a week since she was a baby, we kept her fully informed throughout my treatment, without making a big deal of it. She was 6 when it was all going on and didn't seem bothered by it at all, which is how we wanted it. Now I have calmed down a bit I think maybe I was being a bit over sensitive. I don't believe my DIL would ever stop us seeing my DGD (we are too valuable as free childminders)

Does your DGD know about your cancer? If she doesn't then your DIL may not have wanted to draw attention to it as you have not yet passed the 5 year mark, but it was easier to explain to her that her other grandmother did have cancer a long time ago but is now clear.

My heart goes out to you. Whatever one does, is always wrong - and one is ultra sensitive to what others, especially one's nearest and [more-or-less] dearest say/do. Been there... best advice is to swallow your hurt and carry on as if nothing happened. If the topic comes up, just mention your own cancer and how relatively new it is and hope that the comment sinks in. On no account, rock the boat, your ex-DIL might well refuse you access to your DGD and that would be a great deal worse.

janeainsworth Just googled "Steven Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people" - sounds interesting, but I wish they would speak English not jargon!

Thoughtless but probably not unkind, as you get on well - why would she want to hurt you?
Like others I wonder if she thought it 'too close to home' literally and decided not to add your name. Do you discuss your health with her or are you a person who prefers to just 'get on with it' and not think about your condition when you don't have to.
Assume the best motives - it's better for you and her too. Good luck. xx

My sympathies Mrsdof, both for what you are going through and your current hurt. I too would have been devastated. My way forward would be to assume that DiL was rushed and stressed herself, especially if she is a working mum, and inadvertently handled the situation badly. When you see her I would thank her for her sensitivity in not putting you on the form in case it upset you, but that you are perfectly ok with it so took the liberty of adding your name. Perhaps you could explain to your granddaughter when you pick her up from school that you added your name as well and ask her if she is ok with it. Then you can tell you DiL that it is what her daughter wanted as well.

I see my own daughter handle such situations less well than she knows how, simply because she is so stressed with juggling work, children, studying etc.

My best wishes to you, Mrsdof.

Maybe DIL, suspecting that you would see the form, felt you should be left to add your own sponsorship, if you so wished, but if other gran has already been given the all-clear, but you still have some years to wait, while I sympathise over the apparent thoughtlessness, perhaps DGD will in a year or two see you as a "genuine survivor" and walk in your name! Good luck and try not to take it personally - sure it wasn't intentional.

I feel much sympathy for you. It was either deliberate or accidental. If you get on reasonably well, which from your post I gather you do, I guess the DIL is being monumentally forgetful and/or insensitive. People are like that. Maybe she's not too bright in the upstairs department.

I feel for you,but maybe she felt it wasn't her right to broadcast such a sensitive subject about you to however sees the form at the school because they see you when you take her to school. But the other gran is further away and they probably don't see her that often if at all at the school gates.

I would be upset too. It was thoughtless but I'm sure not intentional.

Good point mumofmadboys. I think in the Race they tend to write names of people if they wish on their race number. There is nothing official about it.
As another "survivor" (though i am not keen on the word) I know how sensitive one can feel for a year or two after treatment. It does improve, honestly, and these days (20 years on) it often does not cross my mind for days.
But for a while after diagnosis all kinds of emotions can ambush you.
For example close friend of my DIL has breast cancer. She had some surgery but did not want anyone in her child's school to know. Now she is going to have chemo and is planning an OTT wig which is bound to draw attention. And she got in an absolute fury with my DIL and wouldn't let children play for weeks on end.
I was absolutely furious with DH's family for months (long story).
I also know that there is a huge taboo about it - my friend who is an anthropologist commented that it is a double taboo - the taboo of mentioning cancer and the taboo of mentioning breasts. So it is difficult for other people to say/do just the "right" thing - and, to be honest, few of them do. If someone has had a heart attack for instance, they would behave very differently because no taboos. So your GD's mum may have been trying to be tactful.
On a lighter note when I was having treatment my astute 4 year old niece was visiting. (at that age she used to phone me and my mum from Ireland - a long dialling code and she knew who she was calling) Obviously nobody says to a 4 year old anything about breast cancer. But one day she walked up to me, reached up and put her hand on my breast - the correct one as well!!
If we talk to kids about cancer and breast cancer openly then hopefully the taboo will disappear over time.

Perhaps she had her mum's permission to put her name on the form.I don't think she could have put your name down without your permission especially as you are local.

I would ask dil gently why she hadn't included you, not in a critical way, and then tell her that you added your name. She probably will get the form back in order to collect the sponsorship money, and she may not be happy that you altered it without asking her.
I can understand how upset you feel, but don't spoil this important relationship by being confrontational.

Perhaps your DiL wanted to avoid upsetting your DGD by focussing on her DGM in Scotland rather than yourself? Or maybe she didn't like to add you without your permission?
As you have added yourself to the form why not just mention it and say you want to be included in this good cause?

Can it not be it is so soon since you were diagnosed Mrsdof? I do wish you a full recovery

Oh dear mrsdof - I too think it was probably just thoughtlessness on your DiL's part, but I would be upset too.
Does your DGD know you have been ill, or was it kept from her?
Maybe she knows about her other GM and it was her own idea to put her name, but doesn't realise you have had the same thing?
I think if you're brave enough (not too sure I would be) I'd try to say to DiL that I was just wondering why only her mother had been mentioned, when you were in the same boat.
In this sort of situation I try to remember Steven Covey's 7 habits of highly effective people - the one which says 'seek first to understand, then be understood' - ie try to find out why someone has done or said something before you react or get upset. It has saved me from many fallouts and misunderstandings.

I hope you sort it out and feel better soon

It may just have been thoughtlessness - perhaps she had just been on the phone to her Mum and it was fresh in her mind. Or it may have been because she knew you would be looking at the form and thought it might upset you to see your name there. You will never really know the reasons, but better to assume something positive as there is no mileage in thinking otherwise. It will just lead to unhappiness.

My DGD is 7 but I don't think she knew what her Mum had put on the form. I certainly won't say anything because that's not the way I am. I like a quiet, peaceful life. Perhaps I shouldn't even have amended the form but I was just so angry at virtually being ignored, when it us she relies on to look after my DGD so that she can work!! Oh well, will be interesting to see if she mentions it later.

How old is your GD, is she old enough to have decided to put other GM name on the form ?
A child would not consider how that choice would make you feel.

Wishing you well

I think it was a bit thoughtless as well. Maybe she didnt want to put both grannies on the form,

I am normally one for saying things but I wouldn't on this occasion.

You get on well with your ExDIL for the last two years, so even though you have a valid question, I really wouldn't say anything.

Oh dear. I think it would have been better all round not to have mentioned individuals at all but simply to say the child is doing it "for cancer survivors", or even just in support of people with cancer.

It may just have been a bit thoughtless, mrsdof, but I can understand your feeling as you do.