Time to toughen up?

I'm like you sunseeker DH and I are constantly helping friends and neighbours out. A neighbour had a stroke last year and as his wife doesn't drive, DH offered to take them to some hospital appointments (although they have a large family themselves). They accepted our offer and we took them several times. The wife was telling me a while later about the big party they were having for their 50th wedding anniversary. Gues who wasn't invited? Us. I also have a friend who was widowed a few years ago and is quite lonely. I go for a drink with her about once a month and DH picks her up, drops us off then takes her home afterwards. Why does it make me cross that she keeps calling me by the wrong name?

Some friend.She didn't let you know her problem was solved.She didn't even meet up with you but went shopping instead.She is no friend just drop her.Don't contact her.See how long it takes her to contact you.I understand how hurt and upset you must feel.Don't allow this woman to treat you like this again.You are worth more than that.When things like this has happened to me in the passed I have completely dropped them from my life.Enjoy your life with your real friends.Hugs.

Remember: If you make yourself a doormat, people will walk on you!

For those people who instinctively listen and say yes, here is a strategy I used to use when I was a supply teacher and a school would phone to ask me to work on a particular date. I used to say yes quite automatically if there was nothing on my calendar for that day but some schools were very tough to work in and I wasn't that desperate! I simply developed a habit of saying, hang on, let me fetch my diary. This gave me breathing space to formulate acceptance or not. I wasn't lying when I then said, I'm sorry, I'm busy that day (nothing more than that was needed).

So, for the friends you think might want to 'take a lend' as we say in the north east, you can have a few instant, delaying tactics at the ready before they even embark on their sob story. Have a sticker on your phone or a note beside it that simply says hang on a minute! Say that and walk away from the phone and count to 30 to give yourself time to strengthen your resolve (you can invent a reason if you like, kettle, cake in the oven, pot boiling over, someone at the door) then you can come back ready to listen. You can then use the calendar/diary delaying tactic if there's a date they need you. You can be busy that day, the same afternoon etc. if necessary. If you don't mind a white lie, you can have a fictitious appointment but saying no without explanation should be enough. It would be a very rude friend who asked what you'd be doing so they could decide which was more important, your dental appointment or their problem! Also, it puts the other person on the back foot if you disappear for 30 seconds before they get going and again to fetch your diary. I don't keep a diary but I could start at any time ?

A phone with caller ID is also a help so you can see if it's family, real, trusted friend or potential user! You can then decide whether or not to answer. If the problem is urgent they'll leave a message. Sounds harsh? I don't think so. There's nothing wrong with being assertive. A bit of practice and you'll get better at saying no.

Sunseeker, you should be feeling relieved that she, out of your life. You need friends like that like you need a hole in the head! I'd rather be a bit lonely than still have people like that in my life.

Heavens, sunseeker, you can do without 'friends' like that! Please don't let yourself feel bad about it - you probably did her a favour by making her realise she can't treat friends like that, that is if she wants to keep them.

"anyway she knew I wouldn't mind!!"

See NonnaAnnie's post above.

And dont feel guilty

She is obviously a 'user'. You mustn't allow yourself to be used and your response to her was exactly the right one. Good for you. What a nerve, calling you 'a bad friend' - wonder what her definition of friendship is!

UPDATE. Got home after a lovely lunch with another friend to find several messages from the friend from yesterday demanding I ring her right away. It seems her problem hasn't been sorted after all and she wanted me to meet her in the same place as yesterday. When I pointed out that she had left me hanging around she said that it was because she thought the problem was sorted and that she had to go shopping for a new dress as she is going out at the weekend and anyway she knew I wouldn't mind!! Told her I was busy and couldn't meet her and she then asked what I could possibly be busy with!!! At this point I'm afraid I lost it a bit and told her I was catching up with everything I couldn't do yesterday because of her. It ended with her shouting at me that I was a bad friend, I was being unreasonable and her slamming the phone down. I am now going between two emotions, first feeling guilty about letting her down and being angry that she is trying to make the fallout all my fault. Reading the replies from you all has strengthened my resolve - I will not ring her. If she makes contact again it will definitely be on my terms. I really see her now for the taker she is. Thanks for all your kind words.

I found this on Facebook, and it is just so true!

Somewhere I read that you have three types of friend: -
1. For a reason,
2. For a season,
and finally
3. For life.

It seems that your so-called friend was befriending you "for a reason". Now either drop her or let her understand how hurt you were, as well as put out by everything she did.
My blood boils and my heart goes out to you [to mix metaphors].
Good luck - and I hope that you get a thicker skin! [I'm a fine one to talk, mine is as thin as cigarette !paper]

How can you want to stay friends with someone who is obviously stupid? No one with any intelligence would do that to anyone else. Text her back. Tell her what you think of her. Then let it (and her) go.

Don't see it as toughening up sun seeker, if you see that as a negative thing. Think about working on your 'boundaries' - that is look after yourself and stop, think before agreeing to any requests for urgent help. I bet you'd never make that kind of demand so don't compromise yourself out of existence. Hard lesson but one many of us have to learn, and continue to learn x

I have always been very "soft" and have let people walk all over me until I realised how unhappy and dissapointing I was with people taking advantage. I now choose my friends and good deeds very carefully and if someone upsets me I usually let them know. I'm a lot happier for it.

Well, I think I'd cross that particular 'friend' off my Christmas card list!

There are certain people I'd always put myself out for, because I know they'd do the same for me in similar circs. However, as I've got older I've come to realise the type who will always take advantage, but will not put themselves out for anyone else. I might help out once, but once the warning light comes on, that's it.

Daughter has a friend like this and it has taken her many years to realise that it's been a constant one way street - the girl (or woman now) seems quite incapable of considering anyone but herself.

I'm afraid it's all too true that if you turn yourself into a doormat, people will wipe their feet on you.

Very good advice! I think I'll be tAking some of this on-board, as they say.?

This is a reverse do unto others as you would be done by situation. Sunseeker next time you think someone is taking advantage of you, ask yourself the question 'would I behave towards this person as they are behaving towards me?'
If the answer is 'no' ask yourself the further question 'would any reasonable person behave towards me as this person is behaving?'
If the answer is still 'no', you must give yourself permission to say 'no' right back at them, or if the deed has already been done, as in your OP, permission to let them know by any appropriate means how their action/inaction has made you feel, and whether or not they can still consider you their friend.
Remember you don't have to keep people on your friend list for an unlimited time and without conditions

Dump her, no-one needs 'friends' like that.

Sunseeker, what a selfish cow! My friend used to be like that but fortunately changed her ways after I acted 'frostily' with her.

But eventually "enough is enough".

Hi Sunseeker I'm not surprised you are annoyed by this behaviour. I think that if you do want this person in your life you need to tell them how their behaviour made you feel. If they understand why you are annoyed and/or offer an apology that you are happy to accept then you remain connected. If they don't then you know they were not a real friend and you are better off without them. As for any other people who are inclined to take advantage of your kind nature - set some boundaries as people have suggested above.
If you need more new friends in your life then going forward decide what your boundaries are going to be and then go out and make some new acquaintances. Only turn those ones that meet you half way into friends - i.e they take up their equal share of running the relationship rather than you making most of the running. That way you will avoid most of the "leeches" that are generally attracted to life's helpful people.

That made me SO angry Sunseeker. I think she would be my ex friend by now. Do you get anything out of the relationship? It might be worth just quietly dropping her. As someone said, in future don't be too quick to agree to things. If it feels awkward just say " let me think about this ". You won't change your nature because you are an innately nice person, and many of us would probably change our plans to meet a fried with problems. What she did to you, however, was crass, rude, uncaring and unforgivable. How dare she? Sorry it left you angry all night and I think you probably should let her know how disappointed you were in her treatment of you. As well as letting her go !

How is it that the ones who put themselves out for others are left feeling guilty when said "friends" dump us without reason? Common sense tells us it's their problem but one still feels hurt and asks "what did I do?"even after many years

I was recently 'stood up' by someone I had arranged to give free lessons too. After waiting for a reasonable amount of time I called and got the response that actually that day was no longer convenient for the person. I really let rip, with my parting shot being that although my time is given for free it is not cheap. Lessons were learned and this particular person now makes sure that attendance is punctual and lessons are never missed without good reason and a phone call.

sunseeker In your shoes I would send a card pretty much outlining the trouble you went to (as detailed above) and saying that in the future you will be happy to meet with her again, but at a place and time more convenient for you. If she's simply thoughtless you should get a resounding apology in response - and if she takes umbrage then you know the 'friendship' has no depth and can be sidelined.

Sunseeker you are a very kind person. However you will need to be quite firm on your boundaries else you will attract 'friends' who will take advantage of your kindness.

You were right not to let your 'friend' come to live with you when she was in debt. To have paid of your mortgage etc. you have made sure that was your priority and gone without day to day luxuries or impulse spending.

As we grow older we need to be wise and help others who also help themselves and not subsidize people who have failed to gain some suitable self control.

Next time don't change your day to talk about a problem. Fix a time later in the day to ring the person. You can say how sorry you are, you'll think abaout the problem and then would like to get back to her later to talk about it when you have some better idea of what might help.

I am sure you will have lots of good friends all your life as you are so kind and thoughtful.

Think many of us have experienced something similar at some point I know I have, however I have to say the world is much richer for people such as yourself so don't change your nature, these thoughtless people must upset others in their circle and will hopefully eventually learn a lesson in life, just don't drop everything for someone you don't think really appreciates you - they will just turn to some other person if you say no.