Sad friend

polly perhaps his wife knows that if they get a camper van all their holidays will be of the sort where one partner does all the cooking, shopping, and washing and the 'holiday' is no different from being at home, except that you are working in a confined space with very little storage and without your usual range of utensils etc.
There are two sides to everything!

He could get a camper van and do his own thing, and push off in it when the grandchildren are there too
I agree anniebach

He could, of course, be depressed, but it sounds more as if he is a pathetic whinger. Perhaps he has been too laid back and his wife is fed up with his moaning and inability to be pro-active and has got used to having to make all the decisions.

Mmm, I'll give it some thought. He said today he'd love a camper van but it would just sit on the drive as she wouldn't want to go away in it. It's not right that one partner dominates so much. I guess he's given up. He looks like a broken man when you see him.

Polly. I know it might sound sad that two people can't work these things out. But these men were very content.
It was a problem for me when we first started going to Spain, but we worked out that I flew home every month for 2 weeks. We were away for about 4 months.

polly it's not so much about steering him away from the moaning as much as it is about telling him hinting that he needs to do something about the situation one way or the other. Then if he still keeps moaning, start changing the subject.

petra that's so sad really. I love the grandchildren but we still have our lives and there's things I like doing which don't include little ones.

I've spent many winters in Spain in our Motohome. There are dozens of men on their own because their wives don't want to leave the Grandchildren.

You could try finding out what his fear is.

Is he scared she will leave him if he gets a dog?
Scared of rows?

I think the only thing he's looking for from me is sympathy. Sadly whenever I see him, he brings the subject round to what he'd rather be doing. He loves walking and would like a dog, but yes you've guessed it, his wife says no.

He's such a nice guy and I hate to think of him as being pathetic but... I think in future I'll try and guide him away from the moaning.

He is in charge of his own life unless he has disablilities you havent told us about.

Is he venting? Looking for ideas? Deep down he has accepted things, or hankering after you?

I agree with the others be sympathetic but then move on to other subjects. He could change things if he wanted, could do his own thing when and if he chose it almost sounds like he's looking for sympathy.

It is difficult when friends offload this sort of stuff, especially when they are one of a couple, both of whom you know.

I do not think there is anything that you can do - but there is plenty he could do, starting with talking to his wife about how he feels. He can either go with her flow; or make his own life choices such as a holiday on his own. If he finds that having the GC over half term is too much for him, then that is his moment to go away and have his own break.

Couples will always have differences of view or preferences and they, and only they, have to find ways of compromising.

If I were you I would make sympathetic grunts, then change the subject.

Are you friends with his wife pp?
If so you could mentionthat he's not looking his usual happy self. She may not have noticed.

I have spotted the camping and caravan show ad on TV
Perhaps he could visit while his DW doing her own thing

My DH was hankering after a motorbike as the DC had grown up and flown the nest.
I suggested if he gave up smoking he could afford one
He did and bought one!
I thought it would be him off for ride and I would do my own thing
But after my first ride I loved it!
We have travelled round Northern Spain, Isle of Man, Wales and local areas. I have seen places I would never have seen if I had stayed in my comfort zone.
My DH is so pleased that he will accompany me on any 'my kind of holiday or break'
So win win!
It could be the same for your friend with a camper van

We would love a camper van to take our 3 GS out even if only for the day , it would be great for all their paraphernalia nappy changing, feeds, naps, not to mention inclement weather!

Perhaps you could suggest to your SF that while cats away ...

Some people just seem to enjoy being victims or martyrs, I know a couple of women like that. You can only sympathise for so long and then it's 'put up or shut up' as far as I'm concerned!

I have a female friend who is very much an emotional victim in her marriage and she would have no problem getting a divorce for unreasonable behaviour. she complains endlessly about how her husband treats her but at the end of the day she chooses to stay with him and put up with it. She has alot of very close friends who would support her even financially to set up on her own but she won't either stand up to him or leave.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink comes to mind!

I do know a few husbands who are less than thrilled with the life they are living because the wife insists that grown up children and grandparent duties take centre stage.They are resentful, but wives will not listen.
we do what we can for our family, but try not to fall into the trap of thinking that our lives revolve around them, so go out on our own or with friends as often as we want to.polly it sounds as if this man needs to have a talk with his wife and tell her how unhappy he is.

It's what I would choose to do , why stay home and be miserable

Yes annie good idea, win-win
Sorry polly but he sounds a bit pathetic.
The only person responsible for his happiness is he himself.
He needs to change what he can, and accept what he can't. Most people realise that long before they reach retirement age!

He could get a camper van and do his own thing, and push off in it when the grandchildren are there too

I was going to say I think... But then I realised I don't know what I think because it is sad.

Has he accepted the situation or is he actually talking to you about it? At the end of the day he either accepts the situation or he does something about it and that can mean staying married or not. It's not often you hear a man saying this.

Interestingly, although in recent years the number of divorced in the the UK has dropped, more older people are divorcing than before. I think I read a while ago that in the last 20 years there's been an increase of about 75% in men and women divorcing when they are over age 60. And it's not because there are more people of that age, it's more to do with wanting more from their retirement.

I hope someone comes along with some wise words.

Which sort of brings us back to Etheltbags!
You can sympathise with him, but if he can't sort out his own life and marriage, I fear it's a lost cause.

Goodness me no! He sees how happy me and Mr Parrot are and I think that makes him even sadder.

I think his wife has exactly the life she wants, as for her everything revolves around their daughter and the grandchildren.

It doesn't sound as though his wife is living the life she wants either if everything she wants to do makes him sad/miserable. is he looking to you for an affair?