Thoughtful Posting

Well put, Elegran.

I can see both sides.

I think there are all sorts of people in the world. If posters are in site guidelines, then I cant see anything changing.

Anya thank you.

Let's hope the post stays and people engage with it as intended, rather than playing games.

Nonnie it is indeed easy to offend by accident and always good to make amends if we are aware and able to do so. It is so easy to use the written word as a weapon and some people find it hard to own that they do that and even harder to apologise. The sad fact is people are sometimes hurt and when this happens in the public arena it is all the more painful.

Face to face in Real Life does everyone tread on eggshells and plan their answer carefully before they reply? Do any of us never say anything without weighing up the effect of all those listening?

I know that in general I try to be subtle about disgreeing, to attack the statement not the speaker, and to keep quiet when I think someone is being a prat/whinging/hectoring but occasionally my inner thoughts seem to appear in print without any conscious decision on my part.

Most threads are good natured, but some stir up strong feelings. There are a few individuals who are very confrontational, and others who have only one viewpoint, which they hammer unmercifully, but most posters discuss rather than pontificate. Very often, an exchange is between posters who have disagreed on the subject many times before, and will never agree. People who have been here for years avoid some threads automatically, as you avoid certain subjects with real-life friends - there are real people I would not raise religion or politics with for example.

In Real Life, when joining any group, one waits to suss out the dynamic before making too many assumptions, and sticks to bland topics for a short while. Telling them that they are doing it all wrong is not the best introduction - unless one wants to be one of the confrontational ones from the start. In that case, pots and kettles come to mind.

FFS Polly grow a pair.

Sorry merlotgran I didn't realise 'newbies' had to serve a period of time before being critical. Could you give us some idea how long this is?

jingl it's interesting to note that you have previously flounced off (do you have a special flouncing dress?) So clearly stuff can upset you too. I was going to ask if you had a key set up on your computer which automatically writes ' grow a pair' when you press it, as it seems to be a favourite put down.

I've now criticised two people. I don't think I've been particularly personal. I hope I haven't been boring. I actually hate confrontational situations - I'm not used to them and if they happen I brood on them. This is not to say I can't be confrontational - and as I'm large, loud and have a great command of language I usually come out on top - but I feel there are other ways of making your point and accepting that other people have their right to a point of view ( even if they are wrong).

I certainly don't think new posters' views are any less valid than those who have been on here for a longer time. Indeed, sometimes new eyes can see things more clearly.

I shall now retreat behind the parapet, put on my helmet and studiously ignore the flak ?

I consider myself a newbie in terms of posting, but have been reading posts for a few months. I have enjoyed immensely most of the threads, especially the banter between oldies who have an on-line relationship. With some of my friends I may use stronger banter than others, depending on their personality. It's irony. The problem is with online communication, irony, without non-verbals, can be mistaken for insult. I thought the reference to "my dear" made between Anya, Pollyparrot and Jings was intentionally humorous. Obviously others didn't. So please continue. Actually I have a sense of putting my head above the parapet so I may change my mind if someone replies in a way that I don't like!

Here's my twopenneth. I have read from the beginning and I thought Anya's first post was simply suggesting we all wait for the inevitable flack to ensue. I thought she was being amusing so it shows how different people take the same thing.

I think PMs can be a good idea. I have passed on useful info that way which I didn't think everyone wanted to hear. I have also supported posters who I felt were being attacked but didn't want to enter the debate.

It is easy to offend someone without meaning to and I have done so but as soon as it is clear that my post has been read in a way I didn't intend I have apologised. IMO apologies are few and far between and would resolve misunderstandings easily.

I have been the victim of people deliberately misunderstanding me and misquoting me and I have asked for an explanation or apology with no response despite said poster having continued on the thread. That is plain rude. I no longer even read the post of one Gn because I don't like the bossy attitude and rudeness and because of the way she has behaved towards me. Just because one has been in a position to tell people what to say do and think does not give them the right to continue to do so on here when they are no longer paid for it!

Well this has filled a dull morning.

Maggiemaybe I am sorry if you thought I was being rude to you over the use of the word 'nice'. No offence intended.

I think NannaandGrampy makes a valuable point that we don't always know if someone is looking for support or just airing a view. But if in doubt, I just think it is wise to tread carefully.

harrigran, the central point I was trying to communicate is that people have different sensibilities. That doesn't make anyone better or worse - just different. But if we recognise that, I cannot understand why people want to 'sport' with upsetting others.

Jinglebellsfrocks - ha ha, certainly made you jingle this morning. I cannot see that my OP was patronising though- it just told the truth which has been thoroughly confirmed as this post has progressed.

I think we'll have to try harder if we want to get it deleted, jings

Ok! Sense of humour in recovery.

What's the betting this thread's been deleted by lunchtime?!

jingl, please don't de-register again! I think of you as the grit in the oyster of Gransnet!

There's nothing wrong with banter Anya. It's very understanding of you to patronise the newbies, by the way.

Hey, I've got a plan. Let's see how long you can go without mentioning that you're not a newbie!

Isn't it because we are not face to face that we can say things here?- problems with adult children,mothers who don't like us,husbands being difficult,how to wash XYZ and what do you call abc.

Who promotes a relatively new poster to the role of head prefect?

Just wondering

I think you must be ultra sensitive if Gransnet upsets, it is one of the most polite forums I have ever been on.
In answer to OP, I never say on here anything I wouldn't say to someone's face. People do know who I am so I do not hide behind my nickname.
Sometimes not hearing what you want to hear can cause upset but it does not mean people are against you

This is a nasty thread already. You can easily see how it creeps in when someone is deliberately being rude and patronising, just to get a reaction and it starts to smack of playground 'banter'

Sorry imperfect I know where you were coming from, even if I don't necessarily agree entirely. I think we all come to know those who are best avoided at all times - except when something is so outrageous it demands a response. Most of us are capable of being quite forthright when prodded. But some people see offence in every little thing.

I shan't go on as it has all been aired before but I understand that newish posters still need to thrash this out to their own satisfaction.

I kind of thought the point of Gransnet was so we could let off steam or say things anonymously because we can't say them to perhaps our family or friends? Having said this I am probably guilty of being a bit thoughtless myself (though I try not to be nasty). If it is a controversial subject say like benefits, migrants, religion etc. People will always get heated about those sorts of things.

I have to say what did shock me was some folk who are very opinionated and very 'right' but then you always get that with people. I guess you will never get a large group of people to always agree.

I am certainly guilty of long posts, but it does not bother me if people skip/ don't read them. I write as I think, which is perhaps why my posts are so long.Given the level of upset on this forum, I will perhaps post a bit less and actually take a bit more care with what I write.

I find this place a valuable'sounding board' and I think there are many good people on here that give good advice.

Imperfect27 - Another popint to add to your litmus test list - if you disagree, attack the argument, not the person. The trouble is, personal slurs are sometimes hard to identify.
Resorting to personal attacks often means the attacker is losing the argument.

Is it half term already?

Some of you established posters take yourselves very seriously. Just saying...

Banter is cool Don't go jinglbellsfrocks your banter is the best I've seen on here.

Do we really have to sit and contemplate our navels for ten minutes before we say anything? We would lose a lot in spontaneity. And it could become very wise, old....and boring.

(that was to pollyparrot, btw)

And that's 'thoughtful posting', is it?