I went to visit my mum today............... .

Good, you needed and deserved it x

Just back from a lovely lunch and no phone calls at all!! Thank you all for your support.

to you kittylester and grannyactivist, my heart goes out to you both.

I worked with someone whose FiL was in a nursing home and on end of life care. The FiL lived for about 18 months and in addition to phone calls at work, my colleague and his wife would get phone calls during the night from the nursing home several times a month saying they'd better come now. Every time the FiL rallied, although not to the point of being able to sit in a chair or feed himself, etc., as you describe.

The couple had three school aged children and both worked full time in stressful jobs, so their lives were very difficult, almost on hold. In the end the couple decided the home should stop contacting them during the night and just accept the consequences. My colleague was convince his FiL just did not want to die and was fighting death the whole time, perhaps because he was frightened of dying. In the end he slipped away quietly during the day and not during a crisis he might not survive.

It's easy to say, but you need the release from the stress of your situation to help you get through it, so go out with your friends and enjoy the time thinking about something else. It will help you stay strong and what will be will be. More

Go out with friends- what difference can it make? apart from making you feel better.

But a word of warning- this can indeed go on for weeks, months and maybe even years. My grandmother was deemed at the end so many times, and then suddenly rallied around, again and again. And my mum took years in slow and debilitating decline.

So hope it won't take too long for her to be in peace again- but in the meantime, get on and live your life- and go and meet up with friends, have a good chinwag and a laugh- and don't feel guilty.

What is the worse that could happen? That you are out with friends when the call comes? Truly, what difference would it make? (((hugs)))

Very, very draining for you both. Don't feel guilty about going out with friends Kitty

It is difficult trisher. I hate the uncertainty of it, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for a message from one of my brothers or my neice after they have been to visit. I have a very busy life normally and I am always having to say to people things like 'all being well' or 'Mum dependent, of course'. It's not wanting her to die but but I like to be organised!

The drive is 30 minutes each way, which isn't usually bad, but seems to be really exhausting at the moment.

Added to which, Mum and I have always had a very difficult relationship so I have bouts of feeling guilty for just wanting to get organised. And, I suppose because of this situation, all the old slights and hurts keep coming back to the surface. I find that more upsetting that the situation.

Dh has 'banned' me from going again today, unless anything changes, and I am going out with 2 old friends.

I always used to think that medical staff could tell fairly accurately when someone was about to die.
Working as a carer, tho, I found out that is not true, as shown by the posts here. It's even known for people sometimes to make a miracle recovery and live for a few more years!

{hugs} to you kittylester and grannyactivist.

It sounds like a nightmare, so emotionally draining. Don't know how you are coping with it all

I didn't know my mother was on end of life care until I picked up a folder on her chest of drawers labelled District Nursing Service. My mother was not in a nursing home it was just residential care and as such they didn't have many nursing staff, just carers. The DN came into see her every couple of days. The care she had was exemplary and her favourite carer was with her when she died.

trisher, so did I!!

On Friday last week, the manager of the NH rang me after the GP had been and told me 'It is very bad news new, I'm afraid, the doctor doesn't expect your mother to last more than a two or three days!' So I'm confused too.

I must be a bit dim, because I assumed end-of-life care meant imminent death, but from all these posts I gather this can mean a very long time. Can anyone explain it to me please.kittylester andgrannyactivist love and hugs, you are amazing lovely people. Stay strong!

kitty I hope the visit yesterday wasn't too upsetting - its always comforting when you know someone has taken a bit of sustenance and that she has the spirit to give you that special look.

My mum's been on end of life care for months and came very close to dying in early December. She recovered and since then she's had two hospital admissions and is now being cared for at home. She has a very expensive air mattress on her hospital type bed and only gets off it when I take her upstairs for her bath. The second of her hospital admissions occurred just before Christmas when a fault in her newly installed stairlift caused her to fall down the stairs, breaking her hip.

Mum eats and drinks very little, but watching TV, smoking and doing her puzzle books seems to keep her going in between naps. Nights are mixed up with days for her and she's often awake when she (by that I mean I) should be sleeping. Most unusually she hasn't yet woken up properly this morning, but her breathing doesn't sound laboured and there's no indication she's in pain, so I'm leaving her to sleep.

My sister and her partner are going to stay here with mum tonight and I'm going to their house so I can have an unbroken night's sleep. I'm actually excited at the prospect. #veryeasilypleased

My mum was on 'end of life care ' for only 2 weeks. The first few days she slept all the time with the carers keeping her mouth moist with a sponge and we expected her to die at any moment. On the 4th day we went in to find her dressed, sat in her chair, eating her porridge and saying 'I think I have been a bit poorly'. That was the last thing she said to us and she died a week later - 2 weeks after her 101st birthday.

for you kitty

Sending big hugs and kitty
I know 'the look' - bless you and your mum xx

oh kitty (((hugs))) and love.

kitty My cousin's husband has just died after being on end of life care for 15 months! It's a wonder his poor dd hasn't had a nervous breakdown.
He was the same as your mum, up and at'em one day, then death's door the next!

My mum was on "end of life care" for several weeks kitty and when I checked in her folder some days she would have been in the lounge playing bingo and asking for ice cream and then others refusing even cups of tea which she loved.
I stayed with her overnight on several occasions during those weeks and never knew quite what to expect in the morning. Needless to say I had gone home for a night and was on my way back at 9 in the morning when she slipped quietly away.

Bless her, she's a good 'un!

It is amazing how our parents can give us that "look" as long as they live.
It certainly sounds as though she is comfortable which must be a relief to you.

((Hugs))