Helping to look after an older parent

If you are elderly yourself and the only carer of in my case 2 parents there comes a time when you feel like your own life is over.
I had no sister or brother to share the caring role with.
Even with a social worker and eventually carers going into my parents home 4 times a day there was still a lot for me to do. I missed a lot of my DGC's early years.

Thank you annsixty you said how I feel also and so well and kindly.

Mick you have conflicting ideas to read through but I hope you feel supported and helped.

I have been fortunate with where I live with the help of the manager contact a volunteer citizens advice person who does house calls to those unable to go out, it is linked with attendance allowance but she told me other areas can also be looked into.
Mick

We are 78 nearly 79 and Oh has carers coming in 4 times a day , we couldn't cope without , but it is my eldest DD coming in every evening and sitting at weekends while my other DD takes me shopping that make it possible to keep him at home .I know what Care homes are like , they are so busy that the staff find it difficult to give the one to one attention that humans crave . OH gets irritable when I go out for some reason he thinks I have left for good , then he forgets I was ever out !!You are entitled to care package , I found the District Nurse was so helpful too , even though she was run off her feet , she was a great source of information , the social worker is the Lynch Pin , keep her on your side , she can get extra Physiotherapy / Occupational Therapy . These make a lot of difference

We all know that care homes are the last resort for most people. I only replied in the way I did as Michael said his Father's health needs were complex and sometimes an ageing family will not be able to meet those needs at home. I was being realistic not uncaring. For those who do it,my admiration, for those who know it is beyond them,my admiration in admitting it and doing the best for everyone.

It sounds as though the manager at your Anchor home knows you and your family and is offering support and advice which is good to hear. Of course we all want to stay in our own homes but for many of us, the time will come when that can't continue and accepting that can be a great help to ourselves as well as to the loved one's trying to care for us.

My grandma stayed in her "own" (local authority) bungalow almost until she died a few months ago aged 99 although her last weeks were sadly spent in a hospice. Something I still bitterly regret every day.

As a very small family looking after her at home was very hard. We did have a care package in place and carers would visit her twice and then three times a day, with me doing the shopping, appointments etc. and visiting almost every day. Luckily I only lived a 15-20 minutes drive away.

My grandma totally refused the idea of a care home although reluctantly accepted the care package that enabled her to continue to live alone.

I don't think you need any special training to look after an older person but it is hard work and often a thankless task. There is no way I could have managed my grandma alone without the carers. If your father really wants to stay at home Michael12 then he will have no choice but to accept outside help.

Good luck.

f77ms that of course is always the preferred option. And I would hate to be put into a care home. My MiL lived with us for the last 6 months of her life and I can testify just how very, very hard that was both mentally and physically.

But that's not always an option

Thank you , for info, one thing with my sister here, and when I visit she may go and shop he starts to panic.
Lucky myself being in a Anchor Home, I have managed to seek advice from the manager, and she told me neither myself, my sister or brother are trained in how to look after an older person.
Myself being 67 , my sister is 65 and my brother is nearly 57.
My father has been fortunate to make his funeral arrangement's, but I did find out yesterday from the manager that he is entitled to get attendance allowance and she gave me a contact as regards to helping putting this into place.
Mick

It really saddens me to see all the posts recommending a care home . Why can`t this old chap stay in his own home with a care package in place. It is HIS home after all and if he wants to stay there everything should be done to facilitate this even if it is inconvenient for younger relatives .
When my elderly Mum became too unwell to look after herself her greatest fear was being put into a care home , between us we helped her stay at home and then when it was no longer possible she moved in with me and eventually died here with her family around her . I am no spring chicken and also have my own health problems but I am so glad that I could do this for her .
Please look into getting some help to enable him to stay at home and imagine if you were him , what would you want?

Freda I think your father must be an amazing man to still be living on his own at that great age. Providing he is safe and happy I would be tempted to leave him be however there are some great devices you can get/have fitted which might help if you're worried about him on his own. The council will fit a system which has various uses from a button on a cord he can have round his neck to call for help if he falls or one on the skirting board in the bathroom should he fall in there. The intercom system can be heard from a long way away from the main unit so a responder can talk to him and ask if he needs help. There is also a pressure pad which can be put under the mattress which you set with a timer so that if he's out of bed longer than would be expected it will trigger an alarm at the call centre. It's small monthly cost for peace of mind. They will also fit grab rails around the place and even a step or ramp if that's required. You can also get rise and fall bath seats which assist in bathing and can be operated by the person themselves (if they're mentally able). Personally I wouldn't worry too much about the house - it would be a great upheaval for him to have anything done so just try to do the bare minimum when you get his washing. Does he get meals provided or is he still doing his own? It's very hard I know - we cared for my parents - once Mum when into care it became a full time job even with the help of the carers who came in to help. I was lucky that they only lived a few doors away from us and I work from home so would have him here every afternoon. He was very happy in his own world and we had quite a few fun times with him despite the heartache of seeing him turn from a man to a small child and eventually a baby with all that entailed. The important thing is to remember your own health and welfare as well as his.

Oh dear, reading all these comments makes me want to share my present circumstances of which I feel helpless to do anything. My Father 100, lives alone and has never entertained having any help whatever. He will let me shop and do the laundry, which I have to force out of him but that is all. Doctor knows of my worry over him but I have to respect how he wants to be. The place is getting in a real state but I have to try not to see it. I am 77 and wonder how long this can go on. Is there any answer to this?

I'm just adding my sympathy Mick, I've been there as well with elderly parents. We were helped a lot by the social worker who was able to persuade to accept outside help. He'd been refusing this when family tried to persuade him.
As has already been said, there are some excellent care packages to help people stay in their own homes and good residential care if that becomes needed.

Oh, Mick, I so feel for you and your family. I've been there, too, both with my own parents and DH's. I think you've been given a lot of good advice here, but you and your brother and sister need to get together and discuss the options. Then present them to your father, if he is still capable of understanding and work out a solution together. The current situation isn't good, IMO, and could deteriorate quickly. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours...

Oh dear - been there and done that with both parents. You don't say if your father is still mentally capable to understand what is going on - is his physical health causing him to fall or be unable to do anything for himself? There is help out there which you should investigate before assuming a care home is the only alternative. You can have carers going in to get your father up in the morning, bathe and dress him and also give him breakfast. I believe you can have up to 4 visits a day where they can change him and give him a meal. I'm sure given the choice he'd far rather stay in his own home and from experience I know that the longer he does the better. If your brother's main residence is his father's house then should he have to go into care the authorities cannot take the house to pay for his care unless your brother leaves. There used to be a carers allowance but I'm not sure if that has changed now but in our case Dad got it for Mum and vice versa. This paid for a cleaner to go in once a week to make sure their house was clean. When my mother finally had to go into a care home my father although he had dementia was able to stay at home for the last 2 years of his life with care from us and the council. He was admitted to hospital after a fall and deteriorated rapidly and lost a great deal of weight in the 6 weeks he was there through not eating. We managed to get him into the same home as mum but he passed away 6 weeks later. That was when the care costs for my mum kicked in and we had to sell their house to pay. I fought very hard for her to be fully funded as by then she was both mentally and physically incapable and needed 24 hour care - it took another year for them to finally accept this was the case. Although the staff and care that was given to both my parents in the home was excellent I know in my heart that both of them started a rapid decline once they went in. If you can find any other ways to help your dad stay at home then it would be best to try and do that until the inevitable happens and you have to find him a residency somewhere. Whatever happens its not going to be easy so my thoughts are with you.

That's a really good link trish.

By a pouch are you meaning a colostomy?
Deffo right re attendance allowance.

As an alternative to care homes there are some excellent support packages for those who want to stay in their own homes. Advice here- www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/living-your-way/tips-to-stay-independent-in-your-home/
He should at the very least be claiming attendance allowance.
My mother at 93 lives in sheltered housing and is fairly independent if not very mobile- Sometimes I forget how lucky I am- thanks for the reminder.

Teetime
Mick didn't mention a DD
Anya is right regarding your brother having residency. I do think you need to speak to AgeUK or similar though. If your dad's problems are all physical rather than mental he will need to agree to a CH. Good luck.

I also have recent experience of this and I agree with those who say residential care is a good way to go but it has to be his decision, can't be anyone else's.
If he goes to hospital they do not have time to deal with the needs of the elderly and it is heartbreaking for the patient, family and staff.
If you can get some respite care for him in a care home this can be a way of beginning the process.
I got Advocacy through Age UK, that person liaised with social services, GP etc when I could get nowhere and was struggling.

Do seek the help that you all need Michael - however much you as a family try to do, you cannot do it all.

12Michael I feel for you. We had years and years of this with MIL (who died before Xmas at 101) we could have persuaded into residential care but my BIL blocked it continually which put a huge burden on us all. MIL was unco-operative with carers and Age UK who we contracted with to do her cleaning and shopping she used to send them away and then ring as she was in a terrible muddle and needing cleaning up. If you can enlist the support of the GP you may be able to persuade your DD that its the best thing all round. Despite all the scare stories there are some wonderful care homes but you do have to choose carefully. Good Luck with it - try not to let this take over your life.

Hi Michael...Don't over-think this. He needs the care and, as Anya says, the house being your brothers primary residence, isn't on the table.
I'm sole carer for my 96 yr old Mum who is frail and disabled. Take it from me, your most valuable ally is the Social Worker. Be nice and never fail to provide tea/coffee and good biccies. Residential care is the last thing they'll want to provide so your Dad's GP could also be a valuable friend. As Anya says, do contact AgeUK.

You should ring Age UK for advice but it really sounds as if your father should be in residential care for everyone's sake.

As I understand it, if your younger brother is 60+ and it's his primary residence then your father may not have to sell his house to pay for care. But do talk to AgeUK about this, they are very helpful.

I'm sorry you have this worry, but it's something most of us have to face in the end. Good luck and you have my sympathy.

Oh dear Mick it sounds as if residential care may be the solution for you all. Much as you all dont want this .your Father needs 24 hour care which is more than the most dedicated family can provide. Best wishes to you all.