Something unspoken?

There's a lot of hugging and kissing going on these days where I live, but people usually pass me by. (I've clearly given out unspoken signals). I always hug and kiss my DC/DDiL/DS2's GF and, of course, DH and a few close friends but not my sis or brother. It often feels insincere to me coming from acquaintances.

I can remember the time when all this social hugging and kissing began. It felt uncomfortably false then and still does. I love to cuddle the GCs though but cringe for them when their parents tell them to give Gran a hug. It has to be genuine. Most social hugging and kissing feels vapid to me.

Our DDs hug us every time they meet us, or leave us - as do all the GC. I like it! And if I am sitting around my DD will sometimes come up and just put her arm around me. I am all for hugs! But then I never got such things from my own parents, so I am making up for lost time and getting my quota in before I pop my clogs!

Hugging is not a family thing for us, either, and yet my friends and some bowls colleagues will give me a hug, and receive one in return. It is strange, but it never occurs to me to hug my daughter or grand-children, my son just pushes away any advances. Give the other half the occasional cuddle though!

It was always us that contacted my mum (MiL died just after we married) she was widowed for 30 yrs, DH loved her and did many jobs for her and I would see her twice a week but she 'never' phoned or came to ours unless invited. She had a MiL that hated her and was always popping in unannounced so mum was very conscious of not being "being a nuisance" as she called it. Her and I never had a hugging kissing relationship but we knew how we felt. I'm like it with DD I don't call her because I don't want her to think I'm needy. The day she left for Germany at 18 I had to ask her for a hug at the airport even though we have a good relationship. It's just not her "thing"

Thought provoking, when we were young there seemed no need to constantly reassure family members that we loved them or for them to tell us. It was understood, taken for granted in my family. Have we, or our children and grandchildren, gradually become less secure, more needy? Is life so precarious that we need the constant reminder of 'take care' to remind us that we matter to our loved ones. Has the rise in divorce rates made this necessary?

My grandmother would sometimes, discussing plans, say 'God willing' or 'All being well', a Western equivalent of 'Inshallah' which one hears now from Muslims. That was as far as it went, from a woman who had lived through two world wars. 'I love you' was unnecessary from close relatives, just the words one hoped to hear eventually from a boyfriend!

Writing Christmas cards, emails, even texts, I'm surprised how often I put 'love' and kisses. I just don't want anyone to feel I don't care about them, but I'm getting in touch with them, aren't I?! Maybe that should be enough! I don't make a big thing of hugging people though I'm pleased when I get a spontaneous hug, especially from family. And as for Mwa air kisses - no, please! Oddly I'm happy to exchange cheek kisses (1,2 or 3) with friends from other cultures.

Jane I have felt unappreciated at times. It has made me think about how I treated my own mother. She had 7 children and was what would now be called 'a battered wife'. I saw her go through some appalling things but, looking back, I realise now that I was only concerned for myself, getting myself out of that house. When I was a teenager she asked me one day if I would go to the park with her and I was horrified. I was a teenager, why would I want to go to the park with my mother? She went alone as I'm sure she did many times. I now realise that she wanted to be out of the house when my father came home drunk, to give him time to sleep it off so she wouldn't suffer. She died at 58 when I was 23. I wish I had her here now to look after her. I agree regarding the meaningless hugs. My sister said to me yesterday 'doesn't all this kissing and hugging get on your nerves?' Yes it does.