This is selfish ... sorry

Are you with her for Christmas, glassortwo? It isn't something that you can 'make better' - just let her talk as much as she wants to.

Have any of you any advice for me. My Mum is going into her first Christmas without my Father who died early this year and I am not sure I am handling her very well. I try to understand what she is going through but to be brutal because of the relationship I had with my father I am struggling to find the right way to help her.

I am afraid I don't have any words for you. I am so sorry.

To the husband of Tigerhouse, no one knows how bad until it happens, it sounds as if you were there to the end and she was very loved. For the first year I never stopped crying, I lost a lot of weight, now all back on, thought I would die myself because I missed him so much. He was 60 and grit until 8 months before, so it was a big shock. Then I remember what he said to me before his last operation, travel and do it for me. He wanted so much for me to go on and be happy because he loved me. It has not been easy but eventually you make a different life for yourself, never forgetting but remembering the good times with a smile. Do not overthink the future, just live it, it will get easier. It is impossible to imagine what it is like until it happens to you.

To all of those who are missing that special person this Christmas, I send you love and best wishes, we will smile and go on.

tigerhouse's husband I remember you posting before about your wife's death and I'm sorry the counselling didn't help. As you say, it isn't for everyone.

You are in such a sad place at the moment, it's only been a few months and you're bound to still feel completely lost. All I can say is hang on in there, this is a bad time of year for the newly-bereaved - take stock in the New Year and try to make tentative plans for the future

if i may be allowed, i am tigerhouse"s husband, she passed away on the 1st of may this year in hospital,she was unconcious at the time but we held hands through out, without going into the details, she said to the doctors she'd had enough & could not live like she was, having been put on a ventilator & other things, i honestly think she'd had enough of being sick all the time over the years & died at the young age of 53, we couldn't have children so that makes life all the more lonely now for me, i miss her so much & crying my eyes out as i type this, maybe like so many others on here we have to carry on regardless, everything i see, touch, use has a memory in it,i sniff her dressing gown, her clothes in the wardrobe, anything that i feel i can connect with her, as other have said coming home to an empty house is so hard to bear, i worry about what the future holds now getting older & being single, without wanting to cause offence to anyone on here, unless you've lost a loved one, then no one can understand what your going through, i've had bereavement councilling,but it was not for me, only way i can cope is, cry all the time, get the emotion out, for how ever short or long it may be _ until the next time.

I understood where you were coming from Letitia and agree with you. I have had some terrible losses, two children and my husband. You just have to cope and, although you never get over these things you just learn to live with them and can have a good life.
As for those worrying how to cope if their partners die, it might never happen. We never know who will go first, although my husband always said he would go before me

I am glad that my advice hasn't turned out to be 'unhelpful' or 'inappropriate' - since those who are, sadly, having to go through it are more or less saying the same thing.
Be kind to yourself, Daisymay , you are also going through a bereavement for what should have been.
MargaretinNorthant has it in her last sentence.

Been through it twice, the second time was no better for being the second either. You cope because there is nothing else to do. This is my third Christmas since husband no 2 died, not a great deal better than Christmases 1 & 2. I shall be glad when all of it is over. It doesn't help that it was Christmas day 3 years ago the care home called us to go in as he was sinking fast. My kids all rallied round, one family spent the whole time with me at the home. HIS daughter couldn't even be bothered to come and asked at his funeral when she would be getting any money. I was happy when the executor of the will told her it was all in trust until I died. How spiteful can you be at 78?....I should be ashamed of myself but I'm not. I have every intention of living to be 140 at least.
So my advice is enjoy each day you have together, and don't worry about what will happen if...............it may never happen and worrying never changed anything.............like crying............it just gives you a headache!

I lost my DH in June at 65. It's going to be a strange Christmas with one missing around the festive table and I know as a family we are all feeling his loss but . . . for the little ones we will put on brave faces and be happy as I know DH would have wished. Life goes on.

Well...........my husband died last August after a long and very debilitating illness. Of course I had lots of time to prepare myself for the inevitable end of his life. And now I have moved on. We were married for 50 years. Now I am embarking on a new life as a "single". I am loving living alone. I am loving the independence. Time to enjoy the activities that I like. To eat what I like. To see friends when I want and to be alone when I want.

We are all different individuals. There must be others out there who feel like I do.

You have to smile smile and smile again. After my husband died (I was a young widow) I was totally immersed in my own grief--Christmas was awful each year as he died at that time---and only now looking back I realise how unhappy that made my family. I was "different" and it rebounded on me. Cry when you are on your own but try and be cheerful when you are with others and they will want your company. As the years go by it becomes manageable believe me---and how can you know real joy if you've never experienced sorrow. Life is easier for me now and I am looking forward to Christmas with the children and grandchildren. We will toast "absent friends" at the table and afterwards when appropriate I will tell them stories about the granddad they never knew. He lives on in them. If you've lost someone dear to you treat yourself gently -- you have permission to be sad --but try and enjoy everything and everyone still around.

Daisymay I feel for you. It's hard to pick yourself up after a divorce, I know, and there can be a long period of mourning the lost marriage and lost hopes and expectations. I can only say enjoy your time with your children and grandchildren as much as possible, and be gentle with yourself.

The man I met 46 years ago and married 45 years ago met a 'younger' model and decided he and I have nothing in common any more ( for him our 4 children and 9 grandchildren count for nothing)) and has divorced me. His 'excuse' being his realisation that life is finite and he wants to live out his final years free of the ties of marriage and the stress of our family.
People think I am strong and will get over him, but at 71 I am having to deal with everything he dealt with - from energy suppliers through to the tax people and it's hard and scary. That's all - not asking for sympathy but just offloading as I face my first Christmas without him - although with one of my sons and his family and my daughter with hers - even up to last Christmas we always had a huge family Christmas Day - now there is no family as such - all scattered and THAT s the sad state of affairs.

I think about my DH all the time. He is my best friend and, though we squabble and bicker for England at times, we are as close as it is possible for two people to be. He has just e-mailed me to say that he popped into Asda this morning before work and bought me two packets of Digestives (I'd run out) and two bottles of Cointreau so, as you can see, the kindest of men. He has recently been having doc's and hospital appointments for an enlarged prostate and, while I think all's OK, as he is the biggest 'worried well' (hypochondriac) candidate around it has soberly reminded me how much I need him to be around.

He is just the cleverest, funniest, most loving man I have ever met and I truly value every second I have with him.

Definitely don't waste time worrying! My DH is 14 years older than me and i made the decision 4 years ago to get some independent interests so that if the worst should happen at least I will have somewhere familiar to go and familiar things to do, I felt that I would struggle to make new friends after bereavement so have started now. I have encouraged DH to do the same because despite the age gap who knows...

I think this time of year makes the situation worse. I know I have struggled for years but I just cant get to like being alone. Children seem to think that I should be able to act as I was but the more they think that the harder it is. It is the biggest change of life there is. It makes the Menopause (change of life) look like a walk in the park. I am very practical and can do many things for myself. It is the small things I find difficult like hearing a joke that I know one of my deceased people would have been amused with, or a question I need to ask. I also think things like I forgot to pick up their prescription or buy their preferred newspaper or I see some treat that they would enjoy.
I know that I have to try to find a new life for just me but I have not managed to find anything yet that would take the edge off.
It is sad and depressing and the worst aspect is that life cant be changed back to what it was.

sorry not to have replied earlier MIL had a fall this morning and we have been at the hospital for most of the day. I am sorry to have upset some of you, it was not meant in that way although I can see after stepping back from our friend a little it would appear selfish to those of you who have lost dear ones much closer to you. So much pain and heartbreak here and no way to take it away for those who suffer.
I will think on your comments and treasure what I have now and again thank you for sharing your insights with me. Peace to everyone who is in pain.

I do feel compassionate- having been there I know what it is like. I have also spent a lot of time with widows, as a mutual support, and later on as just a support.
Of course it is helpful to say that you don't want to dwell on it but enjoy the present. We all die, I have no idea if it will be me first or DH - tomorrow or 30yrs or more's time. Why do we need to worry about whether we will manage and spoil the present?
The practical is the best- make sure that you don't neglect friends and can manage the house etc.
I think it is a thread best left- being told that a child needing me completely makes it easier than being at a later stage in life is something that I still find upsetting after all these years.

In response to OP. Be a good friend to those grieving the friend, cherish the good memories of the friend and enjoy your time together with your DH, hopefully making many more happy memories, and don't spoil it by imagining the future. If you have to manage on your own and cope then you will, but it can't be prepared for emotionally. I can't see what is unhelpful or inappropriate about that advice. What else can you do?

No need to make a quarrel out of it.

Letiticia The OP is mourning a very dear friend. I don't think your suggestion to 'stop dwelling on it and enjoy the present' was at all helpful or appropriate.

And the fact that we have not experienced exactly the same loss as someone else (how could such grievous losses be compared, anyway) does not stop us feeling compassion.

was

No one wass suggesting it's a competition...

That was the whole problem at the time.
Older widows thought we were lucky because we could start again and we thought older widows were lucky because they had seen their children grow up, had silver wedding anniversaries etc. (We had no wish to 'start again')

It is like losing the other half of you, whatever the age. It isn't a competition as to what age is harder!
It is very hard whatever the age- which is why OP needs to stop dwelling on it and enjoy the present. We will all die- fact.

Yes. I agree with that Ana. With very much respect Leticia, and not taking away from the awful position you were in, you had a child who needed you completely. At our stage of life we are less likely to be number one with anyone any more. It must be like losing the other half of you.

I'm ducking out of this thread. Too horrible.

Going to knock up some mince pies for tea.

Come on folks. Cheer up if you can. and one of those tiny Xmas trees I don't know how they do. x