Is anyone awake to hand hold through a hard time?

I am glad that things are moving in the right direction; but really quite surprised that no referral has been made to the elderly dementia consultant until now. The GP should have referred him a long time ago so that you can get access to the services associated with his team - community nurses etc. They are the people who can help you too feel not abandoned.

It is up to the hospital staff to expedite the social worker assessment - sit tight and don't leave till this has been done!!!

Good luck!

I'm so glad it looks as if you may be going to get the care plan you need - but a small word of caution which I really hope will prove unnecessary. When the care plan is agreed and you are about to bring DH home (if this is what does happen) do make sure on the day who is coming and when exactly.

Mum and I were told what care there would be for my dad, but when it came to the morning of his release from the respite home when I came to collect him it transpired no care plan had actually been put in place and we would be on our own. Do check!

I have followed your story and have not found anything to add to what people have said, they have said it all. Thinking of you. Look after yourself, or you will not be able to look after him, whether at home or not, as much as you would like.

So glad things are moving in the right direction. I hope this continues for you and your husband.

I don't know where you live but here in Suffolk you can ring Social Services direct. They are in the phone book as Customer First. Your husband should have his own social worker and they should help you fill in paperwork for help, including help with personal care and possibly funds to help you. This is not means tested. I had a lump sum in the last two years of my husband's life and spent one lot on a tumble dryer as his dementia meant I had a lot more washing than normal. It was not much but it made me feel more valued as it was just for me. Via my Gp I once got a week's emergency respite as I was completely exhausted as he hardly (and I mean that ) slept at all at night.
Do look at the forums on the Alzheimer's website. Many of the stories will give you comfort or ideas and some of them will make you laugh.
You are very lucky to have an Admiral nurse, perhaps she could be with you at any consultation. Remember, whenever you fill anything in think of the worst he is , do not gloss over anything . The more ill he sounds the more help he will get.
When you are tired and sad it is almost impossible to remember the good times, or see your way clearly. I do feel for you and hope you can be strong enough to make lots of fuss and not be too British with a stiff upper lip. A few tears can work wonders as far as sympathy goes. I'm sending you a hug. It was, and still is 11 months after his death, what I miss most.

So glad things are moving and I'm sure you've found the advice on here helpful. I look forward to hearing how things are going.

Hello
Your local Social Services should arrange for you to have a Carers Assessment so that your needs are taken into account. Your ability to cope can become compromised if you are constantly exhausted and worried.

Your wellbeing is important also. I suggest you contact Carers UK or some Carers organisation local to you. They will be able to advise you of what is available in your area, and how to negotiate services. You may be able to get some respite care for him because of your needs if he returns home.

There may be a Carers Group where Carers mutually support one another which many find helpful.

Please make it plain to all concerned how abusive he has been towards you. I know you love your husband, but abuse is still abuse and you need to be safe and feel safe. There is a duty of care not just to him, but to you also. If the decision for him to return home is taken, accept all the help you can get. You deserve it.

I will probably not be liked for saying this, but if he returns home and you are frightened or he does hit or push you. Please call the police. They are very sympathetic in circumstances like this, and can help with getting emergency help.

Wishing you and DH all the best.

Tingaloo I hope you were able to go home and have a good night's sleep tonight.

Good morning - how are you both today?

Good morning, Tingaloo, x

my father had Alzheimers and it was a complete nightmare for 2 1/2 years. so I really feel for you. we did get a lot of support from Berkshire Social Services, but that was a long time ago. it seems yet again to be a postcode lottery. All the above suggestions regarding sitting tight and insisting on help from the various agencies are totally valid so good luck.

someone mentioned contacting your MP. I twice had to contact mine in the past, once about my son's education and once about my home help's housing. the response and solution was immediate and positive - except that it back-fired with the homehelp as she was rehoused miles away and so I lost a very good homehelp! this was a Tory MP and though never having voted for him I do believe that Tory MPs are very good at the 'grass roots' level. Good luck and try to get some sleep.

Good morning. Dh has been a.sleep most of the morning since I arrived. He had another agitated night, apparently, but I was not called in. No more news on the SW front (!!), and he should see the consultant psychiatrist in the next couple of days. I have made it very clear that I cannot have him home until he is calmer, and I think they have accepted that. They are also asking the urologist to come to see him, although his problem might have to be dealt with through outpatients. Good news is that his son is coming up from Wales to see him on Thursday and Friday.
When I told dh, he said he hadn't seen his son for years, although we last saw him at the end of October!
Thank you, everyone for your posts and pms. They mean so much.

You come across as being a lot more positive and I hope DH son coming to visit may take some responsibility off your shoulders, even if for a short time

Good about the urologist. MiL's dementia was always worse when she has a UTI.

Hang on in there. Glad you had some sleep last night

What lovely people on this post. Lovely words of support. It certainly is refreshing to read during these dark nights and times. I realy hope things are in place for you.

How are things tingaloo?

I saw the Social Worker yesterday, and I am to have respite for one to two weeks three or four times a year, and emergency respite if I am ill, or if there is a problem with my 90 year old mother who lives over 100 miles away. At the moment Iam more than happy to do his personal care. He is coming home this afternoon. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time as he is still very confused, especially as the day goes on. He says he cannot remember where we live, but I am hoping he will recognise it when he gets home. He has been referred to the adult Mental Health team, who will be coming to the house to assess him, and I am in contact with my Admiral Nurse. So I am feeling fairly upbeat, and a lot more confident about creating a fuss if I think it is necessary. His son came up from Wales for a couple of days to see him, which delighted him (and me). I can't reiterate enough how much the support and advice I have been given on gransnet have meant to me during this dark time. What a lovely knowledgeable group you all are.

So glad that you have been able to build a bit of a safety net around you so that it is possible to carry on. That is good news indeed.

Tingaloo, I am so pleased that help is being offered and plans put in place for you both. It is natural to want to do everything for ourselves for our loved ones but sometimes that means drawing on the strength of others and we shouldn't be afraid to ask for that help as it isn't always freely offered when we appear to be coping without. Pleased to hear you are feeling upbeat about welcoming your husband home and hope the familiar surroundings with comfort and calm him, too.

Very heartening post Tingaloo. So pleased for you. Don't disappear. Keep updating.

He has just been weighed - 51.3 kilos, or 8.08 stones. He is 6 foot. Time to up the food supplements I think!

Dear Tingaloo,
So sorry to hear about this situation.
He definitely needs an assessment by a psycho geriatritian. Has he had a diagnosis of dementia? Is he on any medication. I found my brother was helped very much by Memantine and lorazepam. Has he had a brain scan?
If he is this aggressive there is no way you should agree to have him home and he should go to a proper dementia unit, hopefully near where you live.
You are not alone .

I know this is upsetting but it would mean you would be able to visit him and support him while maintaining your own health.

Just over a week from your original post tingaloo and so much has moved on for the better. I'm intrigued to know how things pan out for you and you DH now and in the future, and hope you keep chatting to us on here

Thinking of you both Tingaloo...Just don't run yourself ragged now that he is home again... as many have said, here, your own health is just as important as that of your DH...and if he were not ill, he would be adding his voice to others by reminding you of that.

Keep posting and letting us know how things are going...