He's gone and i'm lost

welcome to GN Margaret and auntiejantie

I too lost my husband, 8 years ago, very suddenly and felt that anger, the injustice, the unfairness of his going. I couldn't let my despondency affect those around me - I didn't want them worrying about me - so I felt unable to open up to my children and friends and I hadn't considered nor was offered bereavement counselling. What I did do, was write a diary putting all my anger and sadness down on paper. Eventually, I went back to the beginning and read what I had written and realised that, although I didn't feel that the grieving had eased as it had been so gradual, it was getting easier. Now I don't need the diary but have a moment of sadness every day, when I see a beautiful sunset, when my grandchildren, whom he never knew, ask about their Grandad. at both of my daughters' weddings, going home to an empty house, seeing couples out walking holding hands ..... etc, but we just have to get on with it. If I didn't have my children, I don't think I could have gone on and without saying it, I know they miss their Dad so much too. Life goes on and we have to make the best of it. My thoughts are with you, Sheridan, and all those who have lost their loved one.

Fairly new to Gransnet, but this thread touched a chord in me. I was widowed first at the age of 54 after 29 years of marriage. I felt as if the bottom had dropped out of my world. However I was working full time then so that helped, and two of my children got married the following year and my eldest grandchild was born. His grandfather knew he was on the way but never saw any of the nine of them. I married again after 3 years and then 3 years ago lost Trevor to Lewy Body Dementia. This is a form of dementia which has Parkinson symptoms and comes with terrible hallucinations. I nursed him at home until the last 7 months, then it got too much. It was awful watching a highly intelligent man dwindle away to nothing but skin and bone, literally. When he died I was so relieved for him, that it was all over, but for me the days are still long, and I miss him so much. The children are good, friends are good, but oh to just have him back. I am 78 now and some days I feel as if I am just "waiting for God" too. You have to carry on, keep a brave face on it, but I don't think you ever really get over it. You just learn to live with it.
A few months is no time at all, the professional view is it takes at least 2 years to recover from a death in the family, and by far the first year is the worst.
Margaret in Northants.

i have never lost a husband as he and i separated [and then divorced] over 20 years ago but my best friend lost her husband to cancer 12 years ago. she was lost without him but found some consolation in bereavement counselling for a while.
i know he left a huge hole in her life which never got "filled in" but other people "pasted over" that hole - not completely as she always thought of him.
we used to go out as a group [4 of us] and he was always mentioned in conversation so he never really was "gone".
unfortunately my best friend passed away eighteen months ago but the remaining trio of friends always have a toast for her when we're out.
it's our way of remembering the now growing list of friends and family who aren't with us any more.
my sincere condolences to all gransnetters who have lost close family and friends - nobody has completely "gone" while their names are still mentioned.

I lost my husband 17 years ago when I was almost 43. I agree so much with the advice given here and understand only too well how hard it is to have to carry on without your other half. Since Alf died I have seen both our children grow up and marry and now have four gorgeous grandchildren. I help my daughter care for her three children as she is a single parent and works full time and until recently I was also working full time (took early retirement last year). I still miss Alf very much even though I keep busy. It is things like having someone to tell the events of the day to and to have an adult conversation with about stuff that matters to me I miss most, and, although I am a very practical person, there are times when I really wish he was here to hammer a nail in or mend something or move something for me The only advice I can offer is that you have to take each day at a time and that no two people have the same journey - I have friends who have also lost their much loved partners who have, eventually, found a new partner and built a new life together and other friends who have remained single like me. Most of all though I am grateful and glad that Alf and I had 23 years together and made many happy memories during that time.

Bennan you are certainly no wipm! you had an emotional day with some good news and a feeling of relief,clothing is one of the personal items we can hold on to, feel and touch, dhs velour dressing gown still hangs on the back of the bedroom door,I often hold onto it.

I hope I go first! I don't want to be without him. Selfish, I know, but we've been together for so long and it would be so bleak and awful. DH has prostate cancer and we had some good news yesterday as it has not developed much in the last six months. I gave him such a big hug and was determined not to cry in front of him, so went off to the kitchen to empty the washing machine. It was full of his woollen sweaters and I buried my face in them. What a wimp!!

The same from me - I admire the way you all continue.
We who still have our OHs complain about them sometimes, but really we're blessed.

Sheridan I can't begin to imagine the pain you are feeling at the moment. But of course you are feeling angry having watched your much loved partner die. That awful feeling of helplessness is so overwhelming isn't it? To you and all of the other bereaved GNs both on this thread and those who haven't yet posted my heartfelt condolences. ((Hugs)) and

It is good to be able to look for support and understanding on here.

My sister was very lucky, she looked in her local paper and found a 'lonely widows' group advertising a meet-up in a local hotel, for a coffee. They are all now firm friends, about eight of them, and often do together what each misses most, Sunday lunches out, trips to places they enjoyed in the past, that sort of thing. She calls it, replacing old happy memories with new happy memories.

Sheridan I can only say what the other posters have said....and do keep posting here, gnetters are full of support whenever you need them.

For Sheridan and all the others who are bereaved I send you

I know how painful it is to lose someone dear to you. It does, eventually, get easier, but it doesn't go away. You wouldn't want it to, as the pain is a measure of your love and you don't stop loving someone because they've died. But somehow you learn to take the loss along with you.

So much sadness. I'm so sorry, must be very hard for you Sheridan and all bereaved Gransnetters.
I don't know how you feel but I do know that that it is perfectly normal to feel as you do.
(((Hugs))) and to you all x

Beautifully put Falconbird. A different kind of happiness is something to aspire to in time.

Watching your husband/partner die must be one of the worst things you can ever experience. I was married for 44 years and I still can't believe he's gone.

It's been just over three years now. I put up a good show of being all right, especially around my grandchildren and children but here I am up early as usual wondering how to cope with another day without him.

It does get easier Sheridan and the pain shrinks down over time. I found Cruse very helpful in the early days and now I go to a Bereavement Group every other week which is very reassuring.

It's very early days for you, so don't despair, there will be days in the future when you will feel happy, but it will be a different sort of happy.

Your feeling are all normal and part of the hard road they call the grieving process.

Sheridan I can sort of understand why you do what you do every Saturday because some how Saturday and Sunday are different to weekdays, even if you are no longer going out to work. I can't imagine though how raw you must feel so soon after your loss, but I do agree with the other posters that months it not much time to have passed to be getting used to it. Please try to show yourself compassion and allow the passing of time to ease your grief.

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost their life partners.

Try to be kind to yourself Sheridan, from what you say it sounds like you had many years with your husband. Allow yourself time to grieve. Sadly in our society there is such an expectation that people can just bounce back after losing someone they love and it's just not how it is for many folk, especially after sharing so much over the years. It can be hard to express your sadness to family, who may not fully understand the depth of what you have lost. Sometimes talking to someone outside the family, like a Cruse volunteer, can be helpful
for all who have lost someone special.

Yes Sheridan hang on in there. I'm not going to say it gets better but you do learn to live with it, and that means that you will cope most of the time because you have to, but there will always be bad days too. After all I think life has so many good things to offer and you owe it to yourself and your late partner to make the best of them. I am 8 years down the line and I miss the companionship of the person who knew me best and I am still lonely.
All the best.

- I am so sorry that life is so hard for you just now. Condolences to you and others who have been widowed. I hope that you will find some comfort from those on here who know how it feels.

I have not had to go through this yet Sheridan but I think "some months" is no time at all If you were caring for him before he died you will hardly have had time to recover from that, never mind start coming to terms with your loss. If you are getting through a day at a time you are doing well.

Just can't imagine - so I join the others in saying how sorry I am and to hang in there and try to survive somehow (((hugs)))

Sheridan and Ana and others

It must be so difficult when you have spent years of your life with someone.

sheridan it will get better as time goes on, it's raw at the moment.I don't know if you are new to the forum, but welcome if you are, and you will find support on here.

Sheridan so sorry for your loss.

I also had no idea that it was so recently that Ana had been on her own and I send my sincere condolences .As I do to you Sheridan it is early days for you and I hope your grief eases. Those of us who have not experienced it have no idea how you feel, we can only send our sympathy.