would you move your parent in

We have a beautiful care home not far away, its grounds go down to the riverside and lots of people go for walks on the far banks, so always something going on. It's shallow and you can watch the children playing in it during the summer. It's only a two minute walk to the teeny town centre, three minutes to either the mobility shop, Boots bank or whatever.

I wish I could move in, let alone pop my mother in there!

The assumption that family life in cultures where several generations share a home is all sweetness and light isn't always the case is it.

My lovely mum in law was given end of life funding (i.e. 3 months expected and that's what happened) We lived at the other end of the country to each other. she steadfastly refused to come and live with us. She'd cared for her own mother and said she didn't want to inflict the stress on us or our relationship. The compromise we reached was to find an excellent nursing home 15 mins away from where we live and close to her grandchildren. She had regular daily visitors and enjoyed this, as we did.

I wouldn't want to live with my children, much as I love them and despite the fact we all get on very well. I'd live next door though, with our own front doors and the privacy that families need.

I am never very impressed with being told that those from other cultures look after their parents- when you actually come to read some of the personal stories the parents can have very unhappy lives.
We did think of having a granny annex for my mother but luckily she rejected it because it would have left her isolated and dependent on us,whereas she has a flat in sheltered housing with communal lounge and lots of people to talk to and different activities if she wants them.

When my father died my mother who is wheel chair bound was left alone. My brother and I arranged for her to have a 24/7 carer living in. This worked well for 6 years but then we reached the point where one carer was not enough and I had to visit several times a day to assist with lifting. Mum was confined to her bedroom because she could no longer use the stair lift. Her quality of life was very poor. We then arranged for her to go into a care home. She didn't want to go but accepted the situation. After a few days she started to improve and was healthier and happier than she'd been for a long time. They have lifting equipment which Mum is happy with, a lovely room overlooking the garden. We can now wheel her around the town and when she sees people she knows she brags about where she now lives. We are amazed and relieved - long may it continue. I hope this helps someone because we agonised over this.

Although I would be happy to live in an annex with my own front door next to any of my children I wouldn't want to move in with them, share their kitchen and living space, take away their privacy. Neither would I want to have to either move with the family as the chased jobs, or be passed around from one offspring to another like Jill in the Archers.

apricot when my father moved in with us, we simply left his house empty to see if his mobility improved. I was lucky, I lived in quite a big house and he was able to move into a ground floor dining-room that had been intended to be a playroom for my baby daughter. There was room to eat in the kitchen so it wasn't too big a problem, and it was next to the downstairs bathroom. It was a good job we hadn't sold it, as he did go back to it, but I too have known someone sell his home to build an annexe, only to have his son announce that he wanted to move for work and that the new area would be too expensive to find enough space for the father! He went to live with his sister. I found it very sad.

Both DH and myself are now orphans. We could have had his mother or my father to live with us but we would have needed a very, very big mansion to accommodate his father or my mother without murder being committed!

People are always saying we should look after our parents the way they due in the east, but talking to an Indian aquaintance he seemed to be saying that he would expect his new wife to be to look after his parents but not hers. She would move into his family home and eventually look after his parents. The only problem here is that she is an only child. What's to happen to her parents was left in the air.

One of my DGDs is an only child. Her other GPs have an unmarried daughter who is likely to remain single so she will have three elderlies to care for. Two parents and one aunt. How will she cope?

They haven't thought this through.

Most of these replies, and the original daft idea from a privileged politician, assume an infirm parent moves into the offspring's spare room. (Of course if you occupy a council house you're not allowed a spare room)
So what happens to aged parent's own home? I assumed it would be sold to pay for a Granny annex or put with proceeds of offspring's own sale to buy a bigger place to house them all.

DH and I would have loved my father to come and live with us after my mother died. He was such a sweetie, but I know he wouldn't have felt comfortable in anyone's house but his own, and even on the rare occasions he could be persuaded to visit my sister or ourselves, he would never completely relax. He always thought he was putting everyone to a lot of trouble having him there, and nothing could have been further from the truth. He was never himself unless he was within his own four walls. I don't know what he would have done if ever he had been unable to look after himself. Probably wouldn't have lasted five minutes. He died suddenly, in his bathroom, half way through shaving.

My parents separated straight after I married, so when my father had a stroke I did try to care for him. I had a baby and an equally childish and demanding husband - than along came a selfish and demanding father. I really couldn't cope. Even if I had coped mentally, he was a tall heavy man and when he fell I didn't have the strength to get him up again. It was a nightmare. He loved food, so I was constantly cooking and shopping. I got quite depressed. I eventually returned him to his house,. and another sister, who wanted to leave her husband in Germany so had nowhere else to go, said she and her toddler would stay with him and care for him. That only lasted a year, despite her desperation to have a roof over her head they just couldn't get on and in the end she did virtually nothing for him.

Another sister found a home that we all thought he would like - after all, he had made us volunteer there every Sunday afternoon for years . It was a Seven Springs Cheshire home in Tunbridge Wells, close by to where we used to live. He was horrified, so he somehow ( heaven only knows how he made himself understood) sold his house and bought a hotel in Belgium in joint ownership with a friend. The friend and his wife, being naïve and stupid and greedy for his income, had no idea that the provision of occupational therapy and speech therapy and everything else would be so expensive, also that he would need so much physical care, and he was very neglected and dirty, as a sister found out when she went over to check on him. Yet he was happy, because he was able to wheel himself to local bars and spend his money on rounds of drinks for all the locals. Under Belgian law he had to have his funeral over there, and a huge number of people turned up. I think if he had continued to live with us (all rural dwellers) or in the home, he would never have met any new friends, as we simply wouldn't have been able to lead the sort of life he obviously wanted, all of his friends would have been ill if he had been in the Home.

He would have been miserable, I see that now, but not back then because although some of you have complaints about the way you think your DCs would treat you, until you are elderly or ill yourself, how can you possibly imagine just how bad it feels?

I think the point that others are making, that many elderly people don't want their children to have to virtually nurse them, is an important one.
My Mum had a stroke at 82, and was partially paralysed . We did offer her to come and live with us, we had both retired, but she said she would feel too much of a burden to us.
She would have preferred to stay in her own home, we weren't far away, with a companion or carers, and we did look into this but at the time it would have cost a lot more than going into a Care home.
Luckily we found a very good Care home and she felt secure there, with some friends she had known all her life. She lived another 5 years.

This has been reminding me of the time when I was a child. Every time I went to a friend's house they seemed to have a Granny snoozing in the corner by the fire, in fact we had one at our house as well. I think it was down to the fact that when daughters got married they seemed to stay at home and their husbands moved in as well, then as the natural progression of things they ended up looking after their mothers. There were never any old men - they didn't last long in the Black Country. I have no idea who owned the houses, it was probably some form of rental that was passed down the family. It was obviously widely done then - but that was in the days before nuclear families.

My parents died when my children were still relatively young so there was no question of housing anyone else in the two bedroom and a nursery house. My mother did not require long term care anyway, she had a heart attack on a Sunday afternoon and died during the night.
I know someone whose MIL sold her house and they built an en suite room above the garage for her. MIL is now a ripe old age but her DS has been dead for years. DIL will not be able to move without taking MIL with her, not ideal if you want to downsize yourself.
DH says never, ever will he go and live with DC, I think he reckons they still live like students

There are so many things depending on whether you could/would have your parents live with you.

1) The size of the house. Is there enough room?
2) Financial situation.
3) Workload. Are you still working full time, would the elderly parent be any better off if you are out at work all day?
4) Do you care for your own grandchildren? Would you be-able to do both?

I could go on and on and every situation will be different.

I would have had my late grandma live with me in a heartbeat, however I live in a small (2 bedroomed) three storey house so it would have been impossible. Bathroom upstairs, sitting room upstairs and bedroom up 2 flights of stairs. I also look after my 3 DGC at least twice a week including an overnight so even assuming I could have got her up the stairs there are only 2 bedrooms.

My own mum would drive me completely potty. There is no way I could have her live with me even if I won millions on the lottery and could afford to give up work unless I could have a special wing built to house her .

The main thing is that we "care" for our elderly parents/grandparents and don't look at them as a burden, begrudgingly visiting etc.

I moved 300 miles from extremely rural and remote area to big city when my parents began to look old and ill. I had left the area because I had never liked city living. DM died after 2 years and DF and I stuck together but not in the same house. I had bought a flat in the city before moving away as I though DDs could use while at University (both had the ability but neither went to University) and I had no doubt that if DP needed help it would be me and not the absent sibling. It was a top flat DP could never have climbed those stairs.
For 10 years I looked after my dad. When he was more ill or had been in hospital I stayed at his house. He wanted to ensure that I was looked after when I was old so offered to acquire another flat so that each of my DDs would have a home near the house into which I was to move after DF's death. My BXYZ DDs thought this was dictating where they were to live!!! So DD1 who had small 1 bed flat now lives in a 2 bed flat in a worse area thank the 1 bed flat. DD2 lives in a good sized flat in one of the worst areas in UK. I inherited the house and still have the my flat.
I don't like living alone now. Although I did live alone in the flat I don't like living in a house in a city. I have never asked nor been offered for anyone to stay even one night with me. I am getting beyond climbing the stairs to the flat now.
I cant see my DDs even being much use at being carers. They don't even try to understand my conditions. They are very critical at my inability to walk all round the shops. One has even been told off by strangers for shouting and swearing at me in a shop.
In one generation we have gone from one very devoted carer to the most uncaring people! I don't think people will care for elderly or ill in the future. Carers Allowance is not much encouragement. My choice would be tons of pills or Dignatas. I would not want to depend on my DDs. They can also say Byeeee to much of an inheritance!
SPF

Shakespeare's take on this in 'King Lear' is a cautionary tale. He knew a thing or two about human nature, did the Bard!

I often joke that I will do the King Lear with my children if I am widowed ..... Just to enjoy the look of horror on their faces

I am beginning to think these two men are the wicked side of the Conservative Party. Obviously if this is possible and the best for all then the choice can be made by the parties involved.

However, I think this is the most relevant paragraph:

Sajid Javid and Jeremy Hunt both said that Britons can learn more from Asia about caring for elderly relatives in their own homes, rather than pay for them to move to care homes.

The point is that children are not legally obliged to pay for a parent’s care home costs. If it is necessary for someone to move to a home and the person doesn’t have the wherewithal to pay the council is legally bound to do so. I have been hearing more and more stories of bullying form social workers, even to the point of lying to the children – often elderly or certainly getting older themselves - in order to get them to pay top-up costs, etc.

I appreciate that the government is having trouble making ends meet – what a shame they haven’t got a long term economic plan that takes account of the medical needs that were promised. My mother is in her 90s and believed she was paying for care from the cradle to the grave. I can remember a time when it was quite possible for older people to get the care they need but now it is one of the casualties of austerity.

I am sorry but I do not think this is about the care of our parents – I am sure we all do the best we can. I think it is another cynical government attempt to put pressure on one group of people, people who are doing the best they can by setting another group – those not in that position - against them.

Soon we will all be part of some despised group or another and the government will be rubbing its hands with glee while people’s lives are destroyed and they pour money into the coffers of the treasury and the hands of the 1%.

As a policy I think this is a non-starter, but yes, I have a big enough house that I could live with a parent without it being a problem. My parents in law lived here for a couple of months this summer when they sold their house and I loved having them here. They've now moved into a cottage they own that is happily just a five minute walk away and I'm delighted they're so close, but I would have them back like a shot if they wanted to be here.

I had my Mother live with me for the last 11 years of her life. She died last November aged almost 98. She even moved to Portugal with us 7 years ago. But as much as I would never have let her live in an old peoples home it did affect my marriage. At the age of 70 after 50 years of looking after my children and then my Mother (I had two separate sets of children the second ones adopted) I am free to do just as I want for the first time in my life and I am on my own. But one thing is for sure I wont be expecting my children to look after me when I can no longer look after myself. I shall be finding a nice home in which to live with the necessary help I may need.

It will never arise. If I ever get to the stage I can't look after my own personal needs I'll just grind up all my tablets and wash them down with a good Cabernet.

I'm not on any medication yet, but I expect I will be by then

We only have DHs mum now.

My Dad died after a six month illness. Luckily he was living in the same road as us and I was able to do as much as possible for him . We had carers in to wash and dress him and put him to bed as he would have hated me having to do that for him . but I did pretty much everything else. My Mum died very suddenly in her 60s so the question did not arise. FIL died earlier this year after a short illness and was in hospital. MIL lives on her own now and copes well although she uses crutches. She can get out and about and drives. I f the time comes when she cannot cope I'm afraid we (DH and I) agree that we could not have her living with us. We get on ok but I'm afraid she would drive us mad if I were with her more than a few days at a time.

I would never even consider living with any of our 3DDs although I have very good loving relationships with them all. I know they would all make sure I was well cared for and visit regularly but I would never expect them to totally disrupt their lives.

Had the vote gone different recently, I would be much happier about moving back to the UK to be nearer daughters in later life. But as the vote failed, I really feel much better about living where I will have the choice if ever the time comes when the future does not look attractive. Having that choice is paramount for me- and would be lost if I went back to live in UK.

Mum and I discussed this a while ago and agreed that it would never happen as it would be a toss up as to which of us killed the other first. We only get on in small doses.

Our kids are terrific people and I know they love us, to bits, but I would sooner doss in my car than live with them. DS is such a grumpy b****r and at DDs I'm almost afraid to put a foot out of place and I know she wouldn't cope with having me or DH there on anything like a permanent basis!

ahaha yes loved the rôle reversal idea - our girls did put us through the mill as teenagers - we get on so well now and so laugh at those teenage days and their antics.

But never ever would I expect them to look after us- unless it was for a day or two after an operation perhaps. They hae busy professional and family lives. We have considered many a time how we would deal with it if we needed extra help- and both decided we would much prefer to stay in our own home- or move nearer to the 'girls' and buy services and employ staff as and when necessary- much much cheaper than care in a good quality Care Home. We are making sure NOW- that our house is altered to make this simple and possible.