Advice needed re FIL

I would leave him to do it when he is ready, everybody is different.
My Dad was keen for me to clear Mum's things right away, but then didn't like being away from the house because he said he could "feel her presence " around him .
You could offer as part of tidying up but not away. So hard at any age .

Perhaps he just doesn't see that the room is untidy.
Why don't you just ask him if he'd like you to put the biscuits in the cupboard? Or even suggest that as the biscuits are so old they'll be inedible and best thrown away?
I had an aunt who as she got older wouldn't throw stuff away. I gently suggested that I could take a large pile of newspapers to be recycled along with the 1993 Yellow Pages.
But she would have none of it. 'I might have written something down on them'. Just go with the flow.

jane that sounds a bit like hoarding (re your aunt).

I don't think it matters if he finds is consoling (except maybe for the biscuits, and the blood pressure monitor is a bit creepy even).

I do remember years ago, my then boyfriend's mother remarried in her early 50s after his father died and she was desperately unhappy (she would often sob in the garden) because her new husband's late wife's stuff (clothes and underwear) was still in all the cupboards - her dressing table in the bedroom untouched. They were quite a staid and conservative family so I don't think she had ever been in his bedroom before marrying him! I had to try and comfort her and at 18, I didn't know what to do or say.

I think you should just leave him to it. He is an old man and may not feel he has anywhere to move forward to or anywhere he wants to go - perhaps he finds it comforting. Leave sleeping dogs lie.

That's pretty much my thinking-if he can't do what he wants at his age then when can he? SisterIL is of different persuasion though and has been harassing him to get things sorted out, She was even trying to get him to think about moving before MIL's funeral. (Thinking that is, not moving) A hard woman. Poor DH has ended up piggy in the middle.

That's an uncomfortable situation. Poor man. And poor DH.

Is he looking after himself OK other than not tidying up his wife's belongings? What does his daughter want him to do and why?

Sounds to me as though he needs a bit of peace.

Interestingly we worried in the opposite direction when Mum died - Dad wanted to get everything of hers out, off to charity shops etc. almost before the funeral was over. We kept worrying that he might regret chucking it all out - but he did not really want to keep stuff - he found it too distressing.

He's managing not too badly-has cleaner twice a week and drives himself for his groceries. He's also learned to cook a bit more for and is in full possession of all his faculties. He sometimes needs reminded to get in the shower but that isn't because he forgets-he just doesn't like having a shower! SisterIL wants to move to the other side of the county to be nearer to her dc and dgc and it would make life easier for her if he would move. He's adamant he's only coming out of the house feet first so SIL is moving anyway and leaving him where he is. At the moment she's only 5 mins down the road but will be 45 mins away after she moves

It sounds as though SIL is on to a loser! How far away from him are you?

We're 120 miles away....2+ hours travelling by either car or train.

I guess I can see where she is coming from - but it does seem very clear that he knows his own mind and that should be respected. He can always change his mind at a later date if he wishes.

That's very true-perhaps if the winter is as bad as is predicted he may think differently! He would have a massive temper outburst if anyone tried to force him. You would hear him at the bottom of the street!

Stand well clear! He sounds like a man who knows his own mind!

I'm with the 'leave him be' brigade. He's got all his faculties and won't be bossed around - a year is a very short time when it comes to grieving - he's grieving not only for his wife but his way of life of many years - so let him be but keep in touch on a regular basis i.e. establishing a new routine - that's part of the process.

Apart from the cleaner, does anyone else go in and give him company? Or does he go to any clubs or anything? If he is used to company off your SIL and she moves away, he could miss her. Maybe look into getting him some voluntary befriending service where volunteers come round to sit with someone and have a brew and chat a while. Look on Age Uk website, it's full of information for this sort of thing, very helpful people.

I would leave the things where they are. They're not causing anyone any harm and give him comfort. He sounds a lovely man.

This is a difficult situation for you Katek. When my husband died 3 years ago my middle son who was living with me at the time set about disposing of all his dad's belongings. He was quite ruthless and because I knew it had to be done at some time I let him do it. I kept mementos of course.

I was nearly 66 so young enough to think about a new life without my DH but at 87 your Fil is elderly and I guess a future without his wife is not something he can even begin to think about.

My thoughts are that it's early days and your Fil may begin to agree to having things removed during the course of the next few years but if he doesn't, at his age, does it really matter?

He sounds as if he is coping really well for his age, and it's great that he still drives and does his own shopping. He does sound like a lovely old chap.

Your Sil sounds stressed out and of course will be grieving herself but she has her brother and yourself to discuss things with. (Hope I've got the family relationships correct.)

Please, just let him lead his life as he wants. So he might be in a mess, and yes, if anything happens to him, then you are the ones who will have to sort it out, but at least he has some comfort and consolation with the things he has around him for the moment.

Thanks for all your suggestions and support. He will miss SIL as she pops in every second day and has tea with him on Mondays. His gc who live not too far away call in most weekends and DH phones him twice a week and we go down
every 4-6 weeks. He's not good at meeting new people because he's extremely deaf....you still have to raise your voice to speak to him and that's with his hearing aids!! We've given him details of lunch clubs in the area and we hope he'll go when he's ready. He has gone back to the Masons (hmm) after a long absence but they don't run again until October. He's like Father of the House there which I think he enjoys! Will just have to keep an eye on him

I used to help out at a club for Deaf People - would he like to go to something like that in your area? It was a fun group with lots of laughter, and tea and coffee provided.

That's a thought...must check local directory and see if there's a club in his area.
Thanks for that falconbird