Am confused.

Inadequate and selfish?? Definitely not.
What advice would you give to a friend in the same situation? I'm guessing you'd tell her she's achieved a huge amount over the years and its time to take a break from at least some of her responsibilities.

I agree with all these posts, which are very reassuring. I have friends five years older than me who are much more energetic than I am these days. My mum was bounding with energy until she was in her eighties, but I'm not, because I'm not her!
I've accepted that I can't do everything I used to do, and I'm quite happy now to just do what I can.
I do think that when we have always been "doers" and "copers", we find it hard to stop.

Some very wise words on this thread and I do intend to take cognisance of them. It's just I find exceedingly hard to relinquish things I have done for years without feeling both inadequate and selfish. The dynamic of my life will change and that's also a bit scary. I'm not sure what to do if I'm not 'achieving'.

It's perhaps unfortunate that I have so many super fit/active people in my circle - it makes me feel as though this is the norm - but taking up triathlons at 60 and doing open water swimming in the sea off East Lothian (as my sister in law did) isn't actually that normal!

I wonder if the "spoons theory" could help people make the best of their energy. It was a way a very chronically ill women described how her illness affected her to a friend who had said she really wanted to understand what it was like. I have a very mild, chronic illness which means I do not always have a huge (enough! ) amount of energy and found the explanation not one I would use to help my friends but which would actually help me.

What she described was that she started the day with spoons full of energy. She had to plan - this was the vital bit - so she would use a spoonful of energy to get out of bed, one to get dressed, one to do a particular task. What she knew was that if she ran out of energy she would have to sleep to replenish it and have more "spoons".

I am not in anyway in this position but I do know now I have to plan to use my "spoons" of energy (I have many more that the poor lady who described this to her friend) so that I can do the things I need to do and the things I want to do. I also know that if I have run out of energy a sleep is not the end of the world.

I don't know if this helps but it has certainly helped me. I now prioritise and realise that some of the things I need to do I really do need to do but some of them I only think are a necessity. It is also, I have realised, very important not to just get bogged down with "needs" - especially other peoples - and do things I want to do too.

The days of having to go back to bed at 11 a.m. as all energy is gone are long gone, mainly because I keep taking the tablets! But what is down to me is how I use the energy I have - however much it is.

I have loved reading these posts and can identify with many of the things expressed. jings has it spot on about the reduction in energy levels. The spirit may be willing but the flesh is definitely weaker as the years go by. I find doing big family catering events exhausting these days but whilst the younger family members all love attending them, they are not so keen on putting them on. They are much more inclined to go out to eat en famille than we ever were.

When it comes to community activities there are those who do the work and those who just attend and it was always thus. I have tried both and always end up as a "doer" but really, I find that satisfying and besides I am a nosey so-and-so and like to know what's going on!

My late sister always used to say "it's better to wear out than rust out" and I think I agree with that.

Some lovely posts on this thread. I hope they have helped you, katek, possibly with a bit of decision-making for the near future? Please don't compare yourself to others. You are you and they are them

As to your identity in the community - I would have thought that that was well and truly established.

As to not feeling old compared to your friends/family same age - I think you have just been unlucky in that regard!
At the end of the day it is not worth comparing yourself to other people much. We are all different.
And you are hardly taking it very easy yourself!

I do have times when I feel really down and I do find that a day spent "Vegging"-just curled up with books, laptop, telly etc and a few nice treats does seem to make me feel better. I'm not sure if it is the rest or the self-indulgence but I feel more ready to face the world. I think we were taught as children just to get on with things and not to think about ourselves and maybe sometimes we need to do something a little bit selfish to recharge.

Hope you had a lovely time with your family Katek. Did you feel you wanted to stay and be close to them or did you feel that you had a nice time catching up but glad to get back home?

I'd say definitely ditch the commitments where you feel taken advantage of, katek.

Then maybe start some more physical activity that you will enjoy; moving about, even just walking, can improve your health and feeling of well-being.

All those super-active people you know sound scary . There's no need to feel you have to match up to them. Just do what suits you.

You have identified some of the problem yourself Katek!

1. You are trying to compare yourself to others your age, rather than thinking of what you want to do

And

2. You are feeling like you are being taken advantage of rather than being needed!

Surely these years we have now are for doing what we WANT to do after all this time!

Although I do recognise that for some GNetters on here, they don't have any choice as they are main carers.

Remember, you have now got nothing to prove.....to yourself or anyone else.

Have a few from me.

Sorry I've not answered any posts for a couple of days-been off to the Highlands visiting the small dgs's. I've returned happier but exhausted with a faint aroma of baby sick following me-littlest dgs (7m) is teething!
Thank you all for such encouraging and understanding posts, I must say I'm surprised to find others feeling the same. I thought it was just me being inadequate/not trying hard enough. There is definitely a disconnect between the reality of being 65 and what I think I'm capable of, but many of my friends and family seem to do more on a physical level than I do. My sister in law (same age) is just back from a 6 week recce trip to Greenland in preparation for a 3 month solo trip to its northern shores next year. She climbed Kilimanjaro for her 60th. A friend has just been on a mega mile cycling holiday while another (age 67) attends 4/5 exercise classes a week including kettle bells and FBX. I feel I have to maintain all my activities (albeit not physical ones) in order not to feel old compared to them. My various committees/projects also give me an identity in my community but I'm now questioning whether it's all just getting a bit too much. No, I take that back, they are getting to be too much. Plus I don't feel needed so much as taken advantage of in some instances. Oh I don't like getting older.

Just caught up with this thread. Thank you Katek for beginning it and my good wishes to you. All the posts resonate to a degree but Gracesgran has neatly summed up my current sense of myself. Two years into a new area my contacts are, understandably, acquaintances rather than close friends. Not helpful to be sad, its just how it is, but sometimes I am very sad and also lonely. Good friends are geographically scattered, replicating the geographic changes of my life. I can sometime think of it as a wonderful map of my history, but sometimes wish for them all to be here. There is more time to think. Jingl is so right about energy, the image in the head and the reality of the body seem to move further apart as each month progresses. Perhaps it would help if those of us who feel similarly unsettled could be a little kinder to ourselves? I'm off for a walk in the sun - far better for me than thinking too much.

re the Linda Snell thing.

it's just a getting old thing. (Sorry) You feel jaded because your energy is fading. No one can feel as sprightly at sixty or seventy as we did at forty. You have to learn to cut your coat to suit your present day cloth. And look after yourself
I am glad you said that jingl because I often feel likewise. Although I have this image (ha ha) of myself as just as I was in my fifties and certainly more energetic/livelier/intellectually flexible/blah blah than my mother was at my age, I have to admit that my stamina is no longer what it was, my tolerance of bull*****ing lower than it was, and my optimism for the future frequently thin on the ground.
Main thing is not to waste energy on fretting unnecessarily about what I can't do but take joy in what I still can. Our society can be very unforgiving as it is very youth centred, we are surrounded by images of glamorous and energetic grannies/granny-age "role models", like Helen Mirren in a bikini, HM apparently indefatigable at 89, septuagenarians trekking in the Himalayas or whatever and we can feel failures if we can't still do all the things in that wonderful song "Because I'm a woman, w-o-m-a-n"
PS katek, are you sure you are not Lynda Snell?

Being self-critical is a marker for depression, and you have been quite poorly recently and it would not be surprising if you had a bit of post-viral blues.

I can identify with the idea that all the things you have been supporting over the years have drifted onto auto-pilot a bit. And also with the idea that we do slow down and have less energy as we age, and we just have to bite the bullet on that one and keep active but not overdo it.

I run a community choir, sing in a choral society, run a village library, sit on the school governors (a mammoth task!), organise a local arts festival, organise musical opportunities in the local primary schools, help run a book club and a poetry group.............you are getting the picture! So I do know where you are coming from! I enjoy them all, but as you rightly say, it results in piles of paper lying about the house, lots of phone calls and emails, and always something I should be doing! Sometimes I think I should drop some things, but then think of the long winters and how much these things get me through.

As to being with OH all day - I don't find it a problem but then it is a longstanding situation and we have both adapted. He does his own things and I do mine and then we share bits - visits to family, child care, music-making etc. I do not think we often sit down and plan with OH how our lives should be when we are both at home, and a pattern sort of drifts along and we go with the flow.

Talking of OH's - mine has just sent me a Jacqui Lawson birthday card on the wrong day and with the wrong age (older!) on it! - I will smile and say thank you!!

If you are post viral, I am sure gransnetters can come up with ideas for that.

Are you sure you wouldn't be happier living closer to your GSs Kate? It would get you away from all the demands being made of you at the moment. Perhaps it's time to leave that stuff behind?

I think the "friend" thing can be a bit over-egged. When it comes down to it, no friend is ever going to be as close to you as your family members.

I think it's just a getting old thing. (Sorry) You feel jaded because your energy is fading. No one can feel as sprightly at sixty or seventy as we did at forty. You have to learn to cut your coat to suit your present day cloth. And look after yourself.

And there are compensations to having the DH at home all the time. Nice to have someone about the place. You just have to face the fact that it is his turn to enjoy his share of the house. You soon get used to it.

Don't expect too much of yourself.

katek I am glad you posted about this subject and also glad(well not glad but you know what I mean) that others have this "perculier" feeling that you can't really describe.
I have just come back from a long weekend with my mum & dad in their static caravan at the seaside, had a lovely chilled time, they are both 80 an in reasonable health for 80 although my dad has onset pf Parkinsons. But have woke up this morning thinking "whats it all about us being here"! why are we here? maybe it's coming back home and DH not being here and the very cold misty morning that indicates the onset of Autumn,m and maybe just maybe it is a very very slight bit of depression at the back of ones mind.
Hopefully as the days evolves and we get stuck into what ever wer'e doing, we will forget about it and sort of get on with the days events.Time for my Vit C and Cod liver oil.

What a thoughtful and helpful post Gracesgran Thank you.

I think we have "what is the point of it all" moments all through our lives but they often disappear very quickly under our busy life. "The point" for many, is often caring for others on top of working in order to maintain ourselves and them and that swamps any navel gazing we may be inclined to. I find I am doing a lot more of that (navel gazing) as I get older, have more time and, what seems to be, less reason for being.

Many people seem to find solutions by making themselves very busy with existing occupations - hence very neat pensioner gardens and some take on something new, the church, an allotment or volunteering perhaps. Some know they are needed, perhaps by an elderly relative but this may not be as fulfilling as bringing up children was. Add to this the real fact that we don't have the same energy as we did when we were younger and that the world is changing - just as it did in our heyday - to suit the younger generation rather more than ours and it is not surprising we feel a little stunned by it all.

I don't think you can change the world so, in the end you can only change your view of it. I find chatting to friends helps but it is not always easy to find someone, however much your friends care for you, who can understand your specific challenges, So chatting with a bigger group such as Gransnet really helps. I have always have the old Persian (?) Persian proverb in the back of my mind too - it works for good times and not so good "This too shall pass". It always does

It does really sound as if it is space to rest and reassess you need, [Katek] You sound as if you have no 'me' time. Perhaps you are tired and a bit post viral. It does take a lot of time to get used to the DH at home scenario. I still get days of frustration when the place seems to be generating mess whatever I do. My DH is a lovely man but so untidy. He just doesn't see it.

How about doing something (or nothing!) just for yourself? A walk and a sit on my own from time to time helps me cope with the 'cabin fever' feeling. I live beside the sea and like to sit on a rock just looking at the waves. Do you have a favourite place?

You've got Christmasitis I get it at this time of year! Time for a chat with DH maybe over a meal + a glass of wine tell him how you feel. He will be completely oblivious, they always are, as long as their life is ticking over. Delegate with the xmas lights call a meeting explain that due to recent health problem help is required with lights. If nothing is forth coming Then they can do with out! You can bet your bottom dollar someone will organise them next year. Decorate your home for your friends and family to admire. Is it that you do all the work but you feel nobody appreciates your efforts? They soon will when your not doing it all by yourself. You must look after your health no one else will. I'm sure something good will pop when you least expect it.

It may be time to give up some of your responsibilites, or at least give notice on some of them.