Granddaughter's Christening

Oh dear, NewNana. It's really far from funny but I can't help chuckling at the thought of your DD going to the lengths of checking your house value and then asking for a contrbution to the price of a pizza. Well, ladies, all I can say is it's a good thing we all have a sense of humour!

Hi kaTeyJ71

Thank you for taking the time to reply and I do agree with you.

Having been on my own for the past eleven years living/working abroad my children are proud of their mother's achievements ie., independent and successful and, they have/are achieving the same. In fact, if I were to tell them I was planning a trip round the world on my own they wouldn't bat an eyelid!

I think lilhu was right when she suggested that my children have probably got used to me not being close by and that long standing habit of not seeing me may have got stuck.

DD has sent Christening photographs to me this morning - beautiful.

Family politics hey! I do believe it will work out...

I live a long way from my son, his wife and my new granddaughter. I have been on a learning curve these last few years. Here is my take! Often the problem is with the spouse, if she is female, and sometimes if she is your daughter. It can be a 'territory/we are grown up' thing. So, what to do?
First, if you seem needy as I did when first living alone, they will feel lumbered before you even arrive. The only thing to do is to have genuine social interaction in your life not involving them. A study group, a hobby group, an online activity are all good. Then, you have a social diary, of sorts, of your own.
Next, look up a nice hotel near them and tell them. If they prefer that use it as a bedroom effectively. But treat yourself! It is too late for the Christening but you could have been fine. Next, realise what most Mum's realise at some point, they are shuffled sideways in the pecking order of the new family. See this as a release from usual intensity of responsibility.
Next tip, if you think you are being helpful, check! They may see it as interfering! Next, do not simmer and stew, getting upset. Step back. Think of this as an opportunity to have a nice time.
A happy, relaxed grandmother is a welcome guest. You may never get to stay in the hotel, depending on house space. Either way, CHILL! as they say. Yes, they take advantage, yes they can be insensitive and worse. Rise above it and you will ALL get along better and you will enjoy being a gran XX

We usually stay in a B&B when we visit one of my DDs - they live in a flat and have 3 children and it is very cramped and they always insist that they give up their bed to us while they sleep on the sofa. We found it better to go to a B&B - better for them and for us - and gives us a few moments of peace away from the general child mayhem!

Hi ladies

Thank you again for your messages of support very much appreciated.

The Christening seems such a long time ago now and I am absolutely fine.

My new mantra is "no expectations" therefore, no disappointments.

GrannyGalatica and NewNanna66 so shocking how you have been treated by your children!! I think the question we would like answers to is WHY? I am not searching for any answers now, I believe you can only sort things out if they wish to and are willing to meet you half way. C'est la vie

Purpledaffodil, thank you for sending me that link and your kind message. I have had a look and oh happy days but as you said a bit pricey.

Hope you are all having a good day!

Well can I identify with these comments ! I love the 7 page response detailing the dismay in their parenting only 7 pages tho ????? You got off lightly ! I generally find I am given details of my expected financial contribution before my invitation can be finalised. On one of my recent visits, I was asked to contribute £2.75 to cover the cost of my 3rd of a pizza. I am currently awaiting a demand towards their electric bill as they had the light on in the room where I was sitting. Apparently tho, I can afford it as my DD has shown me the current value of my house on her 'zoopla' app, and my SiL suggests that if I'm good and behave myself, then they might let me treat them to a holiday soon. I feel so lucky and honoured

www.amazon.co.uk/Hello-Children-Everywhere-Various-Artists/dp/B000BOWT8G
idontfeellike. I think this may be the cd you were thinking of. It was 'Uncle Mac' on Children's Favourites and this was always his opening greeting. It has all those favourites on, but a lot of them are on YouTube if you remember the names. The link is to a particular edition which must be out of production and rather pricey.
Incidentally I think you are being very reasonable.

Well said, PPP. As for the rest, I wasn't the sort of person who stayed in hotels on my own. I've had to become that person but I still don't enjoy it. I also wonder what will happen if anything happens to prevent me driving. As things are, I sometimes visit another of my sons, who also lives in the North West but 60 miles from his brother and children. He is single and, unfortunately, doesn't drive but,together, we make the trip to and fro to visit. I calculated once that, during a 5 day visit, I drove around 650 miles. I'm nearer 70 than 60 (only just!) and I get tired. Also, I was diagnosed last year with AMD, which might make a difference eventually.
I just would like to spend a few nights under the same roof as my grandchildren, to read them stories and have a morning cuddle. I bought toys and a dolls house but threw them out as they were a constant reminder of what I was missing.
You are far from alone, Idontfeellikeagrandmother, but we'll keep cheerful, never make sarcastic comments on the odd occasion that our children phone us and always be happy to see them when we can.
Incidentally, I tried to bring this up with my DS in a letter and received 7 pages in response, telling me what an awful mother I was. It was a bit of a shock, I can tell you, so I won't try it again. I gather you had a similar result when you spoke to you DD. Hey ho!

Thank you PPP. You are so right.

Hope life is treating you well!

Poor lady. What an awful situation to be in. They sound so selfish.
I would try and ignore them, keep sending gifts for your granddaughter, accompanied by notes saying how you look forward to seeing them etc.
We all love our children, but I think it takes maturity to accept that some of them are not very nice, despite our best efforts!

GrannyGalactica

You have just made me laugh about cooking for more than one person haha!

This is it. I do not wish to feel like a visitor, I am a mother and a grandmother and that is why I would not do that long journey and then be expected to stay in a hotel on my own of which I have often done when I have travelled abroad but my children are making me feel that I am making contact arrangements! I spend enough time enjoying my own company and, human nature being what it is, if I set that precedent well, we all know that it will become expected and the norm in my children's eyes.

What if I couldn't drive, what if I couldn't afford petrol and hotel expenses? What if I was the kind of woman who would not dream of driving that far and checking into a hotel on my own? What if I get too old and the grandchildren are grown up and expect me to continue to "have granny will travel" on my Louis Vuitton weekend bag" and ask me to check into accommodation haha! It does make me smile...

I was lucky enough to be introduced to it by my neighbour, who is a TA at the school. I should think you could just go along to a school near you and offer your services. They will be unbelievably grateful and you will be more appreciated than you could ever hope! x

Hi Granny Galactica

Your post resonates so much with me and thank you for your kind comments!

I actually do voluntary work as an Appropriate Adult at the police station of which I enjoy (if I can use the word enjoy) but I am going to make enquiries regarding volunteering to read with children. What a good idea as I love reading. Do I apply to the Education Department?

You keep smiling too!!

I've just read your reply to Emily and I absolutely agree with you. My children are also in their 30s and 40s and well established with ample accommodation for a single Granny. I would never have dreamed of suggesting my MiL should stay in a b&b. I too miss the pleasure of entertaining my family. Of course it's exhausting but what could be more rewarding than being surrounded by various generations of your family and everyone mucking in together? Now that I spend 40-odd weeks of the year on my own, I panic at the thought of cooking for more than 1!

Hi Deeda,

I think you are so right and we are happy to help.

Thank you for posting.

I do so sympathise with you as I am in a similar position. My DS and DiL are 250 miles away from me but near enough to her parents to see them several times a week and for baby minding, family gatherings at Christmas and birthdays etc. I live on the south coast, a short walk from the beach, and I own a beach hut. I thought the family would be glad to take advantage of free beach holidays when the children came along and looked forward to welcoming them. Like your family, they are too busy to come to me, except for a 2 or 3 day stop off between their week in Cornwall and their week with my DS's father, only a few miles along the coast. This year I have been promised 4 days! Like you, I stayed in a b&b when I visited after my DGS's birth and for his christening. They have shown little or no interest in me or my side of the family, their uncles and cousins. My DGD is 5 and my DGS is 2. Three months ago, one of my younger brothers died very suddenly and unexpectedly. I think this has made my DS think as he has since contacted one of his cousins to arrange a family reunion (my family this time!) during their stay with me this month. It's a great shame that my brother had to die for this change to take place and sad that my grandchildren never knew their larger than life great uncle, who would have adored them. Still, onwards and upwards. You sound like a lovely lady and I hope things improve for you eventually. I also hope it doesn't take a tragedy to make your family realise how important every member of their family is.
By the way, I have overcome some of the sadness of missing seeing my grandchildren growing up by volunteering to read with individual Yr 1 children one morning a week at a local primary school. I now have 30 gorgeous substitute grandchildren!
Good luck and keep smiling. x

If the baby is only 13 months old now that may find that as she gets older they will be busier than they ever imagined and they may welcome an extra pair of hands entertaining her for a few days. My SiL happily took six months off to look after their baby till he was a year old. Now he's two and a half he's very glad to have someone rescue him if he's left in charge for long.

Thank you tigger for sharing that with me it helps so much.

Hope you are enjoying life!

Thanks Emily for your message of support and I hope your friends are okay.

I understand what you are saying but this is all new to me being asked to stay in a hotel as my children are in their 30's and 40's and well established in their respective lives.

I miss having my family in my home doing what you are doing for your family party this weekend. I love all of that.

Enjoy and I hope you can recuperate the day after!

Bon Weekend!

It hurts, big time, been there, done that, christenings arranged when we were on holiday etc.etc. Bite the bullet and carry on and as the grandchildren get older things may improve. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better but over the years the hurt tends not to bite so much.

Life is hard for young people. Do not be too put out. It is quite the norm to ask visitors to stay in a local budget hotel.

I am just getting ready for a family party at our house this weekend with grandchildren camping on the lawn from Tuesday. Its quite an effort to schedule meals, buy the food etc. Son and wife are in the house, a cousin and partner in the summer house and then all the rest in one of 2 local budget hotels. I have already purchased the melons and avocados and tonight will purchase fruit, tomorrow cooked meats and salad goods etc.

It is much more difficult for people who are in work and may be have kids in a nursery and maybe shared with ex-partners.

I have a recently widowed friend who because her son is on a rota and only has alternate weekends off does not visit her as he is catching up with friends on his free weekend.

Another friend tells me that her sons' fiancée has said that friends are more important in her life than family and so if the wedding is not convenient for his family members that is no concern of hers. Thank goodness they have put it off for a year!!!

Hope you manage to keep in positive and loving contact with your granddaughter and her family. Hope they will send you photos.

Thanks Lilihu.

I agree with you. I have often put it down to the fact that they are used to not having 'mum round the corner'.

I did not leave England until they had all grown up and left home and
my children know that my door has always been open and that they can go off and do their own thing while I babysit.

Serenity and acceptance is good...

Oh gosh, I wouldn't want anyone to feel guilty Luckgirl. I hope all is working out for you and life is treating you well.

Our expectations are not always realised hence the disappointments.

I hope I don't have to wait until my daughters are grandparents as I might not be around then lols!

Love and devotion is beautiful but, it can cause us so much pain...

They are being selfish and inconsiderate... However that is how some young people are these days. It often has no link to the way they were brought up!
I'm sure that as they mature, they'll realise how they are behaving.
When you mentioned that you had lived abroad, it made me think that they had probably got used to you not being close by and that long standing habit of not seeing you may have got stuck.
Even if the parents are too busy, one day soon, your DGD will be able to come and stay with you for her own little holiday, even if it involves you travelling there one day and back another!
I think I would try and appear serene and accepting. Regulary offer them a little holiday and suggest that they'll be able to stay with you but still do their own thing. That way you would still get to spend some time with the little one and they could still go off as if they were on holiday alone??? If they decline, don't quibble just say that the offer is always there!