Are you a natural "joiner"?

What an interesting thread. Perhaps this sort of online 'conversation' attracts those of us who may find actual joining tricky? [Sad]

I like to feel I belong to a community. Working in schools meant that was easy but when retirement was on the horizon I sought ways to make sure I could recreate that feeling. I joined a new WI which was good fun.. new so no 'old'lags' doing it the way they always had! When we moved I helped to set up a new WI here and I have made some great new friends locally. DH and I have some long-standing shared friends that we see a lot and DH has a group of work colleagues,ex English teachers and advisers,who meet up regularly to discuss a book and often go for a literary walk too.
I love social occasions but can be reserved if I do not know people well.

Tegan. Yes, asking others about themselves always goes down well.In the end though, you have to open up a bit about yourself too, and this is what a lot of people find hard to do.I join some things, but since getting older find that if I don't enjoy something, then I am not going to continue with it.Men rarely do anything that they don't want to do, so I am going to be the same. book groups can be enjoyable or a complete bore, I have been to two that fit into that description.I am thinking of joining a history group but never seem to do anything about it.

I've always been solitary and hated social occasions. I've only ever made friends when dragged into a group by others.
I joined a gardening club and, after a year, nobody had spoken to me so I left but a few years ago I was warmly welcomed into another group and it's made a huge unexpected difference to my life. I now have friends and attend various activities. I'll never be gregarious but now enjoy meeting people and can talk to anyone.
I wish I'd been able to overcome my shyness a lifetime ago, I've missed so much.

I'm fine chatting to strangers at bus stops or on trains etc but any 'proper' social situation makes me panic. The only social event where I never felt nervous about going to is my racing club that met three times a year, which is why I was so devasated when I was told it had ceased to be. I've just been to my grandsons birthday party; the S.O. chatted away to my ex for an hour quite happily and I struggled to make conversation with anyone. I get so nervous I forget the golden rule which is to 'ask people about themselves' .

I like to think I am a joiner, and there are several things I could get involved in - art club, tai chi, local history - but would not want DH, who is definitely not a joiner, to feel left out. He's not antisocial, but he finds it difficult to get to know new people. I don't think I was always gregarious, but as an Army wife for nineteen years a certain level of involvement in wives clubs (kind of like the WI with brass bits!) and such like was expected of one, and was, for the most part, fun. I learned, amongst other things, to cure sheepskins and to fire a 9mm pistol (very useful if you have to shoot the sheep to get the skin!. I wish DH would find something to do so that I would not feel so guilty about all the stuff I want to do!

I am definitely a joiner. When there wasn't a NHR group to join, I started one - twice. Then the next time I moved, there was one there already. I found a local one here and joined. Amnesty group; political parties, leading to local council and school govs; U3A, organising writing group. I don't think I'm the bossy type but am a soft touch when asked to be secretary or chairperson - just as long as nobody asks me to be a treasurer; they'd certainly regret that. No more organising for me now. I will join a group that sounds interesting but only if someone else is leading it!

I'm a joiner big time. Since I've moved I've joined the TWG and Knit and Natter and I'm joining a local history group soon.

People say it's unusual for an only child (me) to like joining things so much. We're supposed to be insular and self reliant but I love people and groups.

I don't think there are that many people who are so confident that they can feel at home in any social group.

I'm fairly sociable and have a variety of friends - some longstanding and some more recent. In some unfamiliar social situations I feel at ease and in others I feel uncomfortable and nervous. It all depends on the mix of people. I expect most people feel like that and I don't think it means that a person isn't a good mixer. I think it's perfectly natural not to be able to "gel" with everybody in every situation and I feel the majority of people are nervous when they first encounter a roomful of people they don't know.

Two of my friends are in book clubs and neither of them seem to be enjoying the experience very much. I would hate to have to read a book that I wasn't enjoying and it would remind me too much of being at school and having to plough through some boring book just because it was on the curriculum.

I'm not a joiner as I don't like commitment now I'm retired. I do support things that joiners organise though like village events, charity coffee mornings, church fetes etc.

Nothing worse than joining something then finding that either nobody speaks to you or in your eagerness to fit in you volunteer for the shitty challenging tasks that nobody else wants.

We belong to 2 U3A groups in different villages, the average age of one is on average 10 years younger than the other and that is apparent in the interest groups each has.

Apparently the older members felt almost pushed out as more younger women joined, very sad I think, and gradually gave up.

The village is sadly being gradually taken over by moneyed younger people who can afford to pay for the cottages often as second homes or their partners commute to the city.
Two newish landowners are in competition buying up land and properties for their employees. As money seems to be no object it's rather depressing in many ways. Their children don't attend the village school and they certainly don't fit in according to friends who live in the village.

Done that too KatyK

Coo, loopylou..you were lucky finding a WI with young people (not that I would have wanted to join for the very reasons you said !! ) but our local groups here everyone is ancient more ancient than me .. in fact I did go once with a friend for a look-see, and the lady running the group said how lovely it was to see us "youngsters" as everyone was pretty old and they would love some young blood to join. Needless to say...we didn't !

I've never joined anything I don't think. Apart from a few slimming clubs which I attended for about 4 weeks each

I have pondered on book clubs, I know a couple of people who belong to one, they both say the same thing you can end up reading books that just don't appeal. One of the friends mentioned that when the discussion meeting takes place, certain people monopolise it and it's hard to get a word in edge ways.

We don't even seem to have many friends outside of family we socialise with -DH has always worked in solitary jobs so he hates meeting people he doesn't know and it's rubbed off on me I guess after 38 years of marriage.

Yes, men do join book groups, our U3A has 2 book groups, one is run by a man and both have men in them. Book groups do force you to read books that you might otherwise reject (sometimes rightly so, based on Mrs P's comments when she has one she doesn't like)
One of Mrs P's 2 book groups is all women and tyat groups book choice is biased towards female orientated books. I accept that that comment is sexist, but they never choose sci fi, fantasy, action etc. which would normally be my choice.
Men/women do tend to read different genres so a mixed group would need to choose those books that interest both sexes. This is evident in the 2 groups Mrs. P is in.

Joining = I join so many groups that I find myself overloaded frequently and have to tidy my life up and have a spring clean.

Oh Kitty I feel for you (and her), I remember watching from my kitchen window across the village green towards the bus stop and seeing DD1 aged 10 hovering on the edge of a group of kids as she waited for the school bus when we first moved to the village. After a few minutes the group opened up as presumably someone turned to include and, 30 years on I can say she has never looked back.
I am glad to say our DDs don't seem to share my hang ups so perhaps I did do something right.
PS I would love to get to another meet up, alas these last few weeks we have sometimes had medical things (for DH) 4 days out of 5

Just read your post loopylou, yes that's the sort of situation I think I would find difficult.

This is an interesting thread, I don't think I'm a joiner either. My husband is really affable enjoys a social life around his golf club and he can literally fit in anywhere. On the surface I'm ok in social situations when thrown together with strangers, I don't have a problem with that, but you describe how I feel ninathenana. Although I have made some good and permanent friends from school, work etc. and a couple from children's school days, I have found in the past when thrown together with mothers from play groups, children school days etc. they weren't always people I wanted to spend a lot of time with when I got to know them better, particularly the ones who were hell bent on living vicariously and competitively through their children. However, I guess any random group of people are going to find that they don't necessarily click with each other. I have 7 or 8 close female friends acquired over the years and enjoy meeting up on a one to one basis for lunch but I'm not one for going out with a load of other women on a regular basis. Other than that, my husband and I go out with other couples or spend time with family. I have a friend who has moved around a lot and always seems to acquaint herself with the entire street and local pub and when she moves on acquires another 20 or so friends for life, in some ways I envy that.

I was going to join our local WI but after attending one meeting where I felt like a fish out of water that was that. It was mainly yummy mummies with whom I had nothing in common, all talking in plummy accents and their next holiday in the Seychelles or Carribean.........
I feel I ought to join something but not sure what!

I don't join easily but am fine when I 'get going'. I've found volunteering great for helping join in because everyone there has something in common. I even find meeting gransnetters scary first time round but they have all been lovely and I, for one, would love it if you could come to another of our meetups soutra.

I think more people are like us than we imagine because, in my experience, the ones who really do find it easy are few and far between. Most of my friends are people I've known a long time, especially DH, and have seen my life warts and all!

DD2 is brilliant at maintaining friendships but not good at starting things up and the other day she steeled herself to go up to a group of Mums at school who were chatting to each other while they waited to pickup. She had spoken to all of them individually so thought she would be ok. They all turned, smiled and then carried on where they left off and ignored her. Knowing what an effort that took and how upset she was about it, I could have cried for her - she is 34!

The book club I belong to is mixed men and women. We have a list and if I have no idea about a book I do look it up on Amazon and should I come to the conclusion I really would not enjoy reading it I neither waste my time or money on it! Mind you with our group we do not need to have read the book to go!!!
I find it interesting to see the choice of books some people choose - one member of our group always chooses books most of the rest of us find odd - as if we need educating! Her last choice had to be changed twice before most people were happy - I still did not fancy the choice but happily was away from home visiting family the night of the discussion. Many books I have enjoyed very much although maybe would not have chosen if I had seen them in Waterstones.
Once when I actually admitted I bought the book but couldn't bring myself to read it - the one about breeding children for spare part surgery- I was told off by a member telling me I should still have read it no matter what! I retorted that at my age I thought I could decide what I would enjoy reading and what to give a miss! I had felt sick and upset just reading the synopsis and reviews.

I'm very similar to you, Sheena - I joined a scrabble club once and as you say the competitiveness is frightening!

Yes, men do join book clubs, although it's mostly been women in my experience. Sometimes couples join together.