"Its not your problem"

Coming back to the OP, - I thought that the issue was that atqui was annoyed at being told by her other DD that 'it's not your problem', not that she was wondering whether to replace her daughter's carpets!

So, atqui, in case that's what you did mean, I think that response is only appropriate when sympathy spills over into interference. It's quite alright to sympathise and offer constructive suggestions (if invited to do so), but not to interfere.
I don't like being told (usually by MrA) that something 'isn't my problem' because of the implication that I'm an interfering busybody!

I do wonder perhaps if your DD2's remark was maybe prompted by just a touch of jealousy though, and whether she feels that the first DD gets too much sympathy generally?
And would all those who said they would have replaced the offending carpet have given consideration to how this might be perceived by Atqui's other DD or other siblings if there are any?
When it comes to doling out cash to the DCs I think one has to be even-handed. Emergency bail-outs are one thing, replacing carpets quite another!

Yes, the thread has drifted a bit!

The offending carpet could possibly be sold.

I think we could be taking this a bit too heavily. TBH. #Gransnet

I think we are. The offending phrase "it's not your problem" could have been said quite light-heartedly by a DD who knows her mother worries too much – a sort of "oh for goodness' sake, mum!" moment.

Yes Jane really the carpet was an example, and there is probably some sibling rivalry and the knowledge that I worry . Also there is no way I would 'interfere' I know when to offer help and step back when it is not needed. However , as someone posted earlier we worriers would obviously prefer not to worry.. It's just in our nature. For those of you who read Men are from Mars etc, I do agree that MANY women often need to voice their concerns without being offered a solution, whereas men will only voice theirs if someone can solve a problem for them. I have read all the views with interest and glad I am not the only one who ' feels their pain' even if it is not a life threatening problem.
One or two posts have called to mind the 'Think of all the starving children ' quip from our parents when we didn't eat all our dinner.Tin hat and body armour at the ready!!

Well, we were bound to discuss the carpet upset weren't we? Seemed innocent enough at the time.

#shouldlearntokeepourgobsshut

Yes, the carpet issue was certainly what most of us picked up on. Might have been better to have been non-specific about the cause of your worrying if that was what you were actually asking about, Atqui.

Sorry ! As I said I appreciated the views and comments. What I meant and obviously didn't make clear, was that when I tell someone about something like the dreaded carpet issue , I would prefer reactions such as yours jings i.e. "Oh poor girl, yes I can understand your feelings " to " oh it's not your problem it's only a carpet some people don't even have a roof over their heads "

And by the way, I do worry about the people who don't have a roof over their heads .

Misunderstandings all round, I think, but I know what you mean about the 'there's always someone worse off than you' and 'count your bellsings' type of posts, Atqui!

'bellsings'? What the...? blessings, of course.

I know how she feels, I have always disliked my 3-piece suite.
What was I thinking?

DD1 paid a lot of money to have the house rendered and painted - then disliked the colour!
I empathised but told her it would be fine

Hmm. I'm not sure it's altogether reasonable to want only certain kinds of responses on a public forum. I don't say that unkindly. I just think it's perfectly in order for someone to express a "good grief!" kind of response to things that appear to them to be relatively trivial. Nor does that kind of response mean that they don't feel sympathy and empathy. It just means they don't worry unnecessarily. Worrying unnecessarily is not a virtue and not worrying is not a virtue. It's just how we are and, I repeat, it is distinctly separate from having a caring attitude.

Absolutely thatbags. I agree .Also the topic sentence of a paragraph is usually the first sentence so it is perfectly reasonable that we should assume that the thread is about carpets.

Not really; it's what we used to call at the medical centre 'oh by the way' syndrome. What 'seems' to be the problem isn't always the problem; I think jane was the one who realised that. Or, at least there is 'that' problem but it's more complicated than it seems to be at first.

Psychologically speaking, problems can be grouped under one of three headings, yours, mine or ours. It is up to the individual to assess which category the actual problem falls under, which can then help determine the appropriate response. One can feel sorry without worrying.

Most family problems are more complicated if you look below the surface.

Layer after layer, like onion skins.

Not really, we make them so.

It's what's at the centre if the onion that gives you the answer

I think I have a sense of what you are feeling deep down Atqui I too tend to get sucked into the ups and downs of my DCs lives. Especially of my DD3! This often engenders comments like your other DD's from mine. The carpet thing is really IMO a bit of a red herring.

It would be lovely to be able to prevent our DCs from pain and distress but unfortunately it just can't be done. I have been trying to work on this issue myself for the last few years since I nearly had a breakdown over DD3's marriage problems. Still working on it but not there yet

What was the name of that app?

A large gin and tonic at the ready for you atqui

And one each for her DDs too

Then it'll all look different.

Spot on, katek at 10:16:39. I really like that way of looking at it. <stores "yours, mine, ours" for future reference> not that I expect to have to use it much.

If we show them that we worry about them it makes them feel responsibility for us, doesn't it?
DS's relationship with his fiance has broken down and he's moved in to stay with his sister, (my estranged DD). When he told me of the break-up, he actually warned me not to worry, so that more or less spoke for itself.
The only way I can find out that he's OK is by asking DGD's who have visited their mum while DS is there. He's not responding to my texts, although I've been careful not to overdo these. Because he's had personal issues in the past - as has his fiancé - I've been fearful of it happening again. He will be aware of that, no doubt, and it will annoy him, hence his ignoring my efforts to contact him. So, for my own sanity, I'm having to say to myself, 'Sod it - there's no more I can do'. We don't choose to be worriers, but certainly, if our DC's have had 'issues' of in the past, it's difficult for us not to fear for their wellbeing.
Sorry if this has deviated a bit from the carpet!!

marelli I sympathise with you.Relationships are another issue that we worriers find difficult, and far more so than carpets, but confiding this type of worry to some friends elicits ( is that the word?) the It's not your Problem response too!
Enjoyed the Gin and Tonic last eve!