A thread for people to learn some more about mental illness

Depression and anxiety may be common mental health issues or severe enough to be classed as mental illness but the term mental illness covers many other conditions from OCD to post traumatic stress, dissociative disorders to schizophrenia, eating disorders (which I think have had a brief mention here) to addiction, plus lots of others. I just wonder how worthwhile it is to compare symptoms and extrapolate viewpoints about other people when even the professionals make it very clear that people with the same diagnosis may have completely different symptoms.

I don't think it is about comparing, but just giving a flavour of how it can be for individuals in order to enhance understanding.

People want to share experiences by 'talking' about it on here, that's what forums are all about. The depth and breadth of experience shared on a forum like this is likely to be beneficial in terms of a better understanding of the subject under discussion ...or that's my feeling anyway.

I agree Grannyknot.

My DH had a form of depression which I have since learnt was a form of catatonia. When faced with a particular kind of stress he would become totally incommunicative.

He was unable to speak or function in any way. I could never have a proper row with him because he would retreat into this shell. When he became really ill with cancer he retreated into this state and it was hell trying to get him to attend scans etc., I literally had to push him (in a kind way) into taxis etc.,

Towards the end a nurse said "I think your husband's condition is largely physiological." The poor man had gone completely into a state of total non communication.

I coped with this condition for 44 years and it wasn't really a major problem for me. We discussed it and it was caused by terror of his father who was violent man. I suggested seeking medical help or counselling but he refused.

DH spent his last few days on a ward with men with physiological problems rather than on general ward.

He had a wonderful career and was a good and much missed father. He was a brilliant systems analyist. His condition only impinged once on his working life when he was made redundant and had a new job where the stress was the sort that would make him retreat.

Unbelieveably he sat at his desk for weeks doing absolutely nothing until someone noticed that his behaviour was "odd".

It's such a relief to be able to talk about this openly at last because it was a sort of secret between us. I manged to deal with it because my dad had retreated from the world after the war. and I grew up being very sensitive to his needs. Dad probably had post traumatic stress disorder but in those days it wasn't really discussed.

DH and dad were very close friends and sort of understood each other. Sadly dad died when I was 20.

It is not about comparing symptoms, absent.

But as Mishap says.

Sometimes, someone who is suffering from depression, OCD, eating disorders, etc do not say much about how they are feeling to the people around them, who may want to help and support them.

Falconbird.
Your poor DH. And your poor dad.

Glad that they got on. That is lovely.
And it sounds like you handled both situations very well.
But sad for you that you had both those things happening in your life.

I have an older relation, who at least started to go catatonic.
He was in hospital for something, and he started to go like that because he wrongly thought that he was going to be moved to a hospice.

Once it was worked out what his fear was, and when he understood the situation, he started to eat and recover.

For Gransnetters who have suffered from Mental Illness and those who understand.

I have never shared the story outlined above with anyone before and it was such a relief.

I think the ordeal with my DH has taken a toll on me and I am watching my own mental health.

Yesterday

I woke up scared and disturbed because of the nightmare that had been repeating all night. DH brought me breakfast in bed as a treat. He'd been to the local amazing sandwich shop in the Square and bought bacon, sausage and egg sandwiches.

The fear from the nightmare stayed with me all day.

I got up. DH had left the curtains closed in the living room as I can't face the world straight away although the rule is that they have to be open by 9am.

We had a busy morning. DH was injured at work several years ago and had asked for compensation in the form of lost wages. The firm wouldn't pay and the union took them on. Finally they accepted his claim but it cost them far more than the £700 he'd asked for. The cheque for £2500 cleared yesterday. We had decided to fritter it on cameras and a holiday as it was money we'd never expected to have. We spent most of the morning in Jessops. DH knew what camera he wanted...he's dreamed of it for a long time. I wanted to change from my DSLR to a bridge camera because I'm rubbish at changing the lenses quickly and I miss so many lovely photos lol. After they'd added on all the extras that you have to buy when you buy a camera it came to far more than I'd expected. The manager did his discount thing but it was still more than I wanted to pay. This is when having multiple personalities can come in useful. My assertive me took over. Said it was still far too expensive. The manager dropped the prices even more. Eventually it was £1100. I said we couldn't possibly settle for £1100 because psychologically it sounded too much and I'd much rather pay £1098 as it sounded so much less. He agreed. I think he wanted rid of me lol.

Assertive me is very tiring and stirs the real me up a lot. I was shaking when we left the shop and DH insisted I took some diazapam (he has control of them). Most people feel good when they've bought something they really want esp when it hasn't technically cost anything. I didn't. I felt overwhelmed with guilt for wasting so much money on a frippery. DH said it wasn't a frippery because photography makes me feel good but I couldn't see it that way.

Got home. House is a mess...I can't bear it but I can't sort it either.

Had a quiet cry in the bathroom. Overwhelmed by how dirty it is. DH says it can't possibly be dirty as I domestos it every day but it still feels dirty. Overwhelmed by how dirty the whole house feels.

DH made me go to bed for a while. Sleep sometimes changes my mood. He lay with me until I fell asleep and let me sleep for half an hour. Woke up anxious but not as bad.

Couldn't throw off the sense of foreboding. Felt like something terrible was about to happen.

My arms began to itch. It's a sort of psychological thing. Means I want to cut. My arms are covered in scars. The latest goes from my wrist to my elbow. I became overwhelmed with bad memories.

DH tried to get me to start planning our Easter weekend and the later break with the children. We try to look ahead and plan things all the time so I always have something to look forward too.

Couldn't throw off the churning in my stomach. DH suggested a walk. In order to leave the house I have to tap on the door four times and check no one is near the house. If someone is walking by I have to step back inside and start the ritual all over again.

The walk helped a bit. Well it got me out of the house.

Later when appearing to watch tv I was doing mental count of tablets in the cupboard. Was there enough if I needed to end it? Bit dubious and DH keeps such a guard on them.

Finally went to bed. Sleep disturbed by nightmares. Woke up this morning feeling anxious and scared. Stomach churning. It's 8.50am I have to open the curtains within the next 10 mins. Arm is itching to be cut. Another day of fighting to survive begins.

vampire Give your DH a hug, he deserves it.

He certainly does.

<hugs>
Your life is so hard.
I presume that you have had some counselling in the past to do with your bad memories?

I've had some very good therapy in the past but my current team is rubbish. My CPN can never remember my name. She's sent me letters addressed to someone else. Once she cancelled an appointment then complained that I hadn't turned up. Turned out she'd mixed me up with someone else. My psychologist only does DBT and after four excruciatingly painful assessment appointments finally agreed that DH, my GP and I had been correct all along when we told him that I couldn't do DBT.

Unfortunately because of the video nasty nature of my life I need longish periods between my therapy which should only cover a few episodes each time as I need to recover before I can start again on new parts. The old MH system allowed for this but the new improved system doesn't. Now it's a one size fits all or bugger off. I'm afraid I'm in the bugger off catagory.

Falconbird - thank you for sharing that story - it is interesting that you managed to keep that to yourself for so many years - it must have been a strain for you. I really do think er need a "medal" icon! - I would be using it now.

Vq - thank you for so graphically describing what your day feels like - if that doesn't help us all to understand the nature of this illness then nothing will!

I used to work as a photographer and I too abandoned my SLR in favour of a bridge - the sort of photoshoots I was commissioned needed me to be able to change from wide-angle to zoom at great speed and the SLR was a total pain in the rear on that score. I am sure you will enjoy using it and hope you get some good shots while you are away. So good that you have this lovely hobby. You must must some of your photos - I would love to see them.

On the subject of "one-size fits all" therapy I reproduce below a poem I wrote about the CBT I am undergoing. Again this is all that is on offer. The poem is a bit OTT - it is not quite as bad as that - but nearly!

Stay strong - you have many friends on here who are willing you on.

Here's the poem:

Therapy

How many times in the last week have you stayed in because you felt depressed?
How many times in the last week have you felt you were a burden to others?
How many times in the last week have you felt like committing suicide?

She sits, side on to me, no eye contact, asks her questions and ticks away on her computer; shows me the graphs.

Now, listen here honey,
I have just told you that I have felt like ending my life 5 times this week.
Are you listening to me?

Let me ask you a few questions.....

When did you last look a patient in the eye?
When did you last experience what might be regarded as a normal human emotion?
When did you last get laid? - or do you reproduce by online mail order?

Have you met all your targets?
Seen your quota of patients?
Ticked that box?
Have you booked your next course? - courses are just great for patient-avoidance.

Hey – I have an idea
I'll stay at home and you sit here in this sterile office with its one dead spider plant and its vast wilderness of IKEA desk, and its ticking central heating, and its nasty nylon carpet, and its barren noticeboard.
Then your computer can speak to mine.
Ask all the questions it likes.
But I have to warn you, there is a danger that mine might be depressed,
In bits even.

We could have a real hardware to hardware talk.
And who knows, as long as
My computer does not crash,
Sick of this mother-boarding conversation,
Lose all its drive, get fragged off

Maybe, just maybe I will choose not to die this week.

Mishap - I had CBT in a group. It was useless really - as you say endless forms and tick boxes with constant questions about "are you feeling suicidal on a level of - one to five."

There was a woman there crying all the time and no-one took much notice of her until the end of the course when she was called back for further counseling.

The staff were all incredibly young and professional and had endless flip charts explaining how to deal with panic attacks etc.,

I found Cruse (for widows or any bereaved person) - absolutely wonderful. I cried and cried, wrote poems, brought in photos and the woman counselor was wonderful. I wish I could have had 12 weeks and not six but I have an open invitation to go back.

If only that level of real one to one interaction was available on the NHS.

I have seen two GPs in my new practice and they were both young and very attractive and kindly but I couldn't interact with them. One of them rang me on my mobile because I was coming off Diazapam and asked me (I was standing against a wall in a busy area) if I was suicidal.!!!

I have my eye of an older doctor in the practice, who wears a crumpled suit, always looks tired, and carries a battered old brief case. Apparently he is one of last old style doctors and even makes house calls.

Yes - I find it so mechanistic - no humanity in it at all. And it does make me feel worse. I am trying to stick at it as all the evidence is that if you combine medication with a "talking therapy" then the risk of relapse is less. But it is a chore - and the lady is as cold as can be. If I see her rifle through her file of forms once more I might lose the plot and squeal!

Medal for mishap please! Excellent poem. Poor you, poor CBT person - why is mental health the very poor relation when it comes to resources (money!). So many of the staff working in the field are unhappy at the poor quality of the care they can only offer. They are forced into 'systems' and have to meet targets and learn new IT ways of 'managing'. Check out the sickness levels in NHS mental health staff - high levels of depression! You'd think someone somewhere would put two and two together. I don't have depression and am lucky never to have suffered from it but I do tend to be angry and am glad I retired (early like many colleagues ashamed at how we couldn't help patients/people more)

vampirequeen, you've got to start being a lot kinder to yourself.

What you did with the camera purchase warrants some self congratulation! You saved yourself a fair bit of money and ended up with the camera you wanted! Well done.

Your kids are happy to go on holiday with you. That's another great achievement! Not all families are that together. Good on you.

If you feel a bit down about the inside of your house, any chance you could point DH in the direction of the paint brushes? Your life at the moment is very indoor centred. Best to make that indoors as bright and uplifting as you can.

Any chance you could try the DBT therapy again but with a different counsellor? Perhaps, if you could manage it, going privately might come up with a kinder therapist. Not easy I know, but maybe worth a try.

I wish you well. Keep trying. Don't give up.

Everything that jingl said - spot on!

There are so many sad stories here and so different. It is a very complex illness and it is clear even on here that some have no understanding.

There seem to be so many different degrees of this and some long term whilst others are overcome relatively quickly.

I think I had a tough life. Violent father, couldn't happen today. Brought up to believe that women were inferior and not allowed to stay on for A levels because 'women should be pregnant and in the kitchen'. Education would be wasted on women. Brothers treated so differently to sister and myself. She never got over it and was bitter until she died. Eldest brother killed in a car accident when I was 14.

Left home on my 19th birthday and learnt that I was not inferior. Met my DH, married him, had to keep moving because of his job which meant I had to keep making new friends. Had 6 miscarriages and one dead twin.

Got into debt because DH wasn't good with the finances so took over, got a loan, got solvent and have been ever since. Been very hard up in order to pay for specialist education DSs wanted.

And much, much more. Coped with it all, was strong for everyone at home and at work. Made it to 60 as a capable coper then got badly bullied at work. So bad I eventually couldn't cope and that was the end for me. I felt nothing, good or bad. I was like a zombie with terrible jaw pain. Took that pain to the doc and he was the one who said I was suffering from stress. Poured my heart out to him unexpectedly. Went on holiday with DH for a week and spent the whole time planning my death. No, I didn't want to die I just wanted to not live, there is a huge difference. Only failed because DH came in unexpectedly.

DH manned up and supported me as did my blood relatives. Work did everything they could to pretend it was not happening and that they had done things to help me but all they did was cover their backs, delete all my emails and turn their backs.

DiL has constantly put me down for being mentally ill as if it was something I could do something about and something I should be ashamed of. She has been worse than anyone I have ever heard about. I am convinced for many reasons that she is mentally ill but how can we get her to realise it? Her paranoia is so obvious and she needs help but what can any of us do. I worry about my GSs if she goes off into one of her rages. She does the sweet, innocent thing to the SW and then sends vicious messages to DS and to others about him.

For all of you out there who have posted about your illnesses and to those who have read but not told us about theirs I wish you all peace and the strength to cope.

Thank you for that Nonnie - what a life! But you have come through. I am sorry that your DIL shows so little understanding. This is where I have been lucky - not one person, relative, friend or acquaintance has been anything other than understanding.

It is interesting though that one person is very kind indeed, but I can sense that she has no idea at all of the nature and severity of the illness - a bit of the gung-ho creeping in - and she used to be a GP!!

I get the feeling this thread is a great help to some people, it has helped me certainly. Some of you are really suffering and I wish you well. Talking (or posting on here) is important. I spend all day with a smile on my face telling the world that my life is great (it looks great to an outsider) but some days I don't want to get out of bed. My confidence/self-esteem is below zero and always has been due to my horrendous upbringing and life events but I get up every morning and carry on because I have a family. I realise, reading some of these posts, that I am not struggling as much as others. for you all.

This thread is heartbreaking. I wish you all well. Stay strong

Mishap - yes keep going. I wasn't referred for one to one CBT but if I had been I would definitely have gone for it.

Talking is very important for a lot of people me included.

I'm a bit wobbly just now because I haven't had any Diazapm for two months. Some days are good, some not so good. The doc says I'm doing fine but I can go back if I feel I need to.

I'm fed up today because I'm staying in waiting for an Amazon Prime delivery. That's when the sad thoughts flood in. I go out everyday even in the rain and wind and that does help.

Nonnie - You have had a very hard life indeed.
It is amazing what some of you have had to cope with.