Why do some friends drop away when someone is ill?

I do have communion at home every month. But no one else visits although one couple only live round the corner.
My next door neighbour (not the old git, his wife) comes round for a chat and drink every Sunday evening which I reall y look forward to!
I've 5 other members of GN coming round for an unofficial meet next Sunday which will be very pleasant!

I was once talking to a man who was only an acquaintance and I happened to mention that I'd just spent 3 months staying with my mother while my father was ill. "Is he better now?" the poor man asked. I said that actually he had died and the poor soul was devastated, but he couldn't possibly have known and I wasn't going to be upset by it.

I think especially after a death others don't know whether to talk to the bereaved or not, it might add to the pain to mention it.
My neighbour's husband died 5 years ago and although I see her regularly I hadn't mentioned him until recently. Then I asked her something about him, and she talked about him for a long time, obviously still fresh in her mind.
He had been a lovely man and a good husband.

I think mostly people are afraid. They are afraid that something similar might happen to them or they might say the wrong thing.

I didn't mind what people said when my DH died as long as they said something and didn't avoid me for months - one couple actually hid in a doorway so that they wouldn't see me.

I'm no saint and I do regret an occasion when I did avoid a friend who had recently lost her husband - but having said that I had been there for her 100 per cent and I was very tired that day.

The worst people who let me down were my son's in-laws. Shortly after my DH passed away my youngest son cut off all contact with me and his brothers. It was a complicated situation and my son was devasted by his dad's death.

After about nine months of total silence from my youngest son I wrote an impassioned letter to his in-laws asking if they could let me know why my son was acting the way he was.

I was quite prepared for them to reply saying they didn't want to get involved - but there was total silence and that was very hurtful.

Some people have been absolutely wonderful and others haven't - it's been a steep learning curve.

It's tough to try to keep smiling when you are depressed, isn't it. I know there comes a stage when you just can't keep up the pretence. The trouble is, you are no longer the person that your friends and family 'know'. You are suddenly someone different. So of course they don't know how to treat you at first.

With severe depression I got told off my sister to "pull yourself together".

Again, I begged family to help when my DS was ill with depression. No one came, not even his own sister.

So we have moved, not told anyone apart from my brother and dad who were there for me, not really my son but I had some support. The worm does turn at times and it will take a lot for it to turn back, if at all.

My thoughts to all who have been through a bad time, I've not had time yet to go through posts but I have been through some very rough times and now I want to start afresh and move on. to all. X

My Aunt had attended the same church for over forty years and had been very generous with money over the years. Then came the time in her life when she was no longer able to get there under her own steam. Not one visit from any member of the church or the vicar.

The irony was that, one day, Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on their door. My Uncle, being a non-believer of anything, politely told them that he wasn't interested, but my Aunt invited them in for a cup of tea.

Those two JWs visited my Aunt and Uncle regularly for years, just for a cup of tea and a chat. They never tried to convert them, they just enjoyed the chat and it was lovely company for my Aunt and Uncle, plus it gave them something to look forward to knowing that the JWs would be calling.

I'm not sure what the moral of the story is, other than utter disappointment in people that you would have expected better of!

I have an aunt who is now in a nursing home. She is a staunch Catholic and was brought communion daily by a nun working in the parish. The so called church "friends" would only come and visit en masse for a cup of tea whereas it was practical things eg wielding a hoover, changing bedding or doing shopping for her that was needed. Sometimes they left their cups for somebody else to wash up.

A smiling face and brave attitude works wonders in keeping your friends. I discovered that, simply by trying to put myself in their shoes. I'm horrified by galen's church though. Ours here is wonderful - and yes, the vicar did visit us when we moved in, and hauled us off to the harvest festival lunch when we were all dressed in our painting clothes. She has extracted repayment over the years though...

I spend a lot of time worrying about friends and family, not that it's particularly productive, but do wonder if those people who crossed over the other side of the road after my sister's becoming a widow spent just as much time worrying about her, but thought that there was nothing they could possibly do. She's quite a prickly person, although she does have lots of friends she's quick to take offence.

This has just not been my experience and I realise that I am very lucky. My late MIL was an example to me "No one likes a moaning minnie" she used to say and she had a very hard 5 years nursing my late FIL until his death at home with melanoma and generally keeping everything ticking over in the family, always cheerfully! I also overheard her on the phone on the afternoon of FIL's wake, agreeing to do Meals on Wheels (she was in her late 70's) and she said"Of course I have no reason to feel sorry for myself, I have had a wonderful life and wonderful marriage". So I do try hard not to drone on about my (fascinating) aches and pains or about DH (except here on GN!) in case my erstwhile friends start ducking down alleyways or hiding behind lamp posts when they see me coming

Going back to hildas point. I can understand why that has put you off attending church.

I can sometimes understand a minister not visiting if he has hundreds of parishioners, not to mention non church goers.
I think I am right in saying, that in general a minister used to do a lot more home visits than they do now. Back before bureaucracy [yes it is in churches too] and stretched parishes came into being.
But there should still be dedicated pastoral workers, including some who can give sacrement at home for those that want it.

And those church friends should have happily visited.

Church friends not visiting is not on. I would have hoped for better behaviour than that.

I think that if people dont feel able, or cant face visiting a person, then sending a note along the lines of what janerowena wrote, is good.

soontobe I think it's often down to your last point as well. My parents found such things very difficult a "best not talk about it" attitude.

If that was her decision petra then obviously it has to be respected but it must have been harrowing for her family, to say the least
Galen, that's awful! I'd have imagined they're the one group who would have been there for you......

But there are some people who surprise you too, by being a real 'friend in need'.

Galen sadly the same thing happened to my late MiL

How very unacceptable Galen - what can they be thinking of?

Same here! None of my church 'friends' visit since I've been unable to attend.

A dear friend who died at 38 leaving a Husband and 2 children aged 4 and 12 distanced her self from them when when she knew she was going to die.
Another friend gave her the use of a house so that the family could stay in their own home without seeing their Mother die. This was a month before she died. Even on the day she died she didn't want anyone close with her.
The only person with her was a Raiki healer who had kept the pain at bay because the morphine had stopped working.

I've noticed that too, annodomini, about a woman left on her own - friends tend to drop off, especially couples.

We had only moved north five months before my ex walked out. I had made a few friends, some of whom behaved as if divorce was infectious. But one couple are still my closest friends. Others have moved away but still keep in touch - then there are the others!

We found that out Anya 19 years ago when my DH's business collapsed through absolutely no fault of ours. So-called friends couldn't distance themselves fast enough and have never been seen since, the same went for very close family member who could have helped soften the blow financially (he had an interest in the business but pulled strings leaving us in the shit ordure) but instead along with his wife were viciously gloating to anyone who'd listen.
Luckily DBIL was a saint and endlessly helpful and supportive -I'm sure that without him DH would have gone beyond being suicidal........
Certainly very hard when you find out just how much of a 'friend' some people really were!

There are 'fair weather friends' and true friends. In hard situations you find out who your true friends are.

Yes loopylou it is appalling. Jane - yes I can see why people keep their illness quiet. When my DH was diagnosed, we were due to go on holiday with my sister and brother-in-law. They are lovely people but DH wouldn't tell them about his illness until after the holiday. He said that, even if unintentional, they would treat him differently. We had a good holiday and they hadn't a clue what we were going through (we must be good actors ). When we eventually told people, most were great. Saying that, we have been treated differently, but in a good way.
Our DD now sees more of us and includes us in her life more. Perhaps the possibility that we may lose someone makes us take people less for granted. How dreadful FlicketyB.

So, so sad FlicketyB, she was so lucky to have someone like you who really cared despite her withdrawing from everyone- she must have been in total shock at such a devastating diagnosis, poor lady.
Hedgehog-like is perhaps how many of us would react whilst trying to come to terms with the situation.