Bereavement Cards

There are occasions when one doesn't know either the deceased or the bereaved that well and, to me, a card is appropriate then. When a note is required I use a blank card with my words inside.

I never buy cards with verses for any reason unless they are of the Purple Ronnie variety for birthdays etc! Phoenix could be the Purple Ronnie of bereavement cards!

Surely a hug says more than a card could do, I'd give that.

I have found that very true Eloethan- particularly in very close relationships.

I thought what POGS said was very insightful. Just because somebody has had a difficult relationship with a parent or other close relative, does not mean that they will necessarily experience a sense release when they are gone. Sometimes the death of someone with whom one has had an troubled relationship can be more difficult to come to terms with than a close and loving one and can leave a person with all sorts of regrets and conflicting emotions.

I'm glad it's all been resolved Juliette and that your long friendship continues.

Glad to here it's all sorted Juliette.

Actually, did think that a Congratulations card would have been more in order.
Something like......Congratulations on sticking it for 50 years and coming out the other end relatively unscathed.

I suppose no matter how we may grump about our MiLs, we are usually quite fond of them anyway (says she who has just spent a whole hour on the phone doing long-distance garden-sorting with her own pain in the butt).

I'm sorry that your MIL has died,
I hope we keep in touch
I haven't any more to say,
Cos' you didn't like her much.

I never send cards with verses for anything. They have to be very simple or blank.

I send a card with a flower or a peaceful landscape scene on it, but blank inside so that I can write my own message, and I don't ever choose cards with verses, even for birthday cards, as I don't usually like the verses. However, when my parents died, I got cards of all sorts from friends and work colleagues, and was very touched by them all, including the ones I would never have chosen to send myself, just because someone had thought kindly of me and the person who had died. On the other hand, I can't remember thinking of anyone who "should" have sent one but didn't, and I wouldn't have expected any from people who had spoken to me face to face.

So glad you've sorted it out with your DF, Juliette.

Thanks for answering a question I had, aggie. I was just wondering the other day, while looking at the Deaths in the Herald, what mass cards were!

I would have thought that saying it face to face was much better-sending a card is generally done by people who you won't see, or prefer a card because they don't know what to say. I wouldn't worry-it isn't as if you ignored them and didn't contact.

I agree with ann and elena, I wouldn't send a card if an in-law had died - if you were to have sent a card juliette it should have been to your friend's DH.
Not suggesting that you should have done, only that the DH would have been the appropriate recipient.
Glad you have made it up with your friend, anyway.

My DD1 asks me for Bereavement cards , her generation have the misfortune to be losing ancient relatives at quite a rate . I do an embossed card with a flower glued on and blank inside as she prefers to write a message in her own words . Here we have prayers cards also called mass cards with "Holy" pictures on , very nice for religious people . I the OP case I doubt I would use either

That's great the friendship has been saved.

I write a letter, rather than send a card - just my preference. That way, I can choose the words I use and make them personal.

But I don't think I would do either for someone's in-law, unless there were special circumstances (for instance if the bereaved person was their carer).

Sorry to have gone AWOL. Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate it. Quite reassuring to have an anonymous sounding board.

I called in to see my friend earlier and we have sorted it out. She has no recollection of my visit after her MIL died, fortunately her DH could remember , he was a little bemused by the fuss! We will remain friends we go back too far to end a friendship that has endured for this long.
In the future I shall take the advice that soontobe gave, just send a card whatever the circumstances. Thanks again.

I don't think it would even have crossed my mind to send a card to someone in those circumstances.
To me personally, the spoken word and personal contact/support is much more valuable.
I would have been more likely to take them some flowers or a plant than a card.

If I'd seen someone face to face and expressed condolences, I would see no need to send a card or letter, though I would always prefer to send a personal letter anyway.

When my very dear friend rang to say her son had died, I expressed my sympathy and asked if she was ready for a visit. She said she would welcome one and I went the same day. She cetainly would not have expected a card as well. In the same circumstances neither would I.
I really don't think you have anything to reproach yourself for nor let it interfere with your relationship with your friend.

Sounds like a guilty conscience on her part. I had a "tenuous" relationship with my ex mother in law but after she died I kept remembering happier times and wishing I'd been more patient. I think the "card" issue is just a peg to hang that on. She shouldn't be taking it out on you.

I have got to the point now, where I send a card.
You sort of cant go wrong with sending one, but can go wrong by not sending one.

Having said that, it is always up to the individual whether they choose to send one.
And I can see why you didnt.

But there again, she is your best friend.

But there again, I am surprised that she is brooding about this.
Maybe, she wouldnt have said anything, but happened to have a bad day?

Hope this helps!

I always send a notelet with a message to the close family but I don't think I would send anything to a friend on the death of an Inlaw.If she was a close friend I would ring or call and express sympathy but that is all.I do think you should bring it up with her and find out what other grudges she has been harbouring.

My sister was like this for a while after her OH died, I just had to sit it out, it's part of the anger phase of the grieving process, I think. She started listing all the people she thought had deliberately crossed to the other side of the road or popped into shops rather than greet her. Maybe a couple of them did, but I suspect the others simply hadn't seen her.

I agree, it's the amount of support you get, and not where it comes from, that matters. I would think cards would usually come from people I didn't know as well as a good friend like you.

Sorry, but what ever her reasons we're I find it rude to confront you like this. I'd rather a friend was there for me at the time and not just send a card. As you say, you expressed your condolences face to face, rather than avoid her as we know does happen.
IMHO you have nothing to feel bad about.

Some people are much more card-orientated. My mother believed a hand written note was the only "correct" thing to do, I compromise with a "Thinking of you" card with a flower on the front, but from the Saturdays when I worked in a stationery shop I know how many people (often the elderly) take time to choose the "right" words or verse. Hard to make everybody happy, you were right to do what was right for you.