20 month old granddaughter doesn't like me!

Agree with all the sensible advice here. Step back from it if you can, play with her but leave the huggy stuff for now. I am sure she will change - babies and toddlers are constantly changing, challenging and exploring themselves and their relationships with others, whether they are your children or grandchildren. Hope your hurt eases. That must feel unbearable at times.

rosequartz, have PM'd you.

Sorry for the brief hijack everyone!

Age 3!

Just wondering if you are in the UK or in the States, danericbob. I ask because you seem eager to rush to therapy for something which would normally need a common sense approach.

There is lots of good, sensible advice on here. I do hope you can deal with your feelings of rejection and realise that she is just a very little person who, as mishap says, is still trying to make sense of the world.
Who knows, the other granny may be 'cuddly' granny but you could become the one who is 'fun' granny who does interesting things with her as she grows up.

DGD2 age seems to prefer DH at the moment when she is here, even though I do most things with her! (Although she did tell me I was her best friend the other week. )

You could take this behaviour entirely the other way, that she is confident enough in your love that she feels she can express her feelings. Children often do this to their mum, particularly when a new baby arrives, so it isn't just GPs who are treated to aggressive behaviour. You are blaming her behaviour on the other grandparents, but I think there is a younger sister, perhaps she is just showing someone that she is put out by this. Stay calm and loving I'm sure she will come round.

Love Rubylady's idea of finger puppets on Facetime. Could be a huge success.

I don't think it's got anything to do with liking or not. Little'uns can have a funny take on things.

I have had a reread of your post last evening.
I think I got a bit of the wrong end of the stick.

I am glad that you know that your reaction is irrational.
I suspect, for what it is worth, that stuff has happened, may be a lot earlier in your life, to make you feel the way that you are feeling about this issue.
Rejection? Abandonment?

I do think that your daughter in law and son have been very generous in having you at their house for at least one week a month.
Saying this kindly, I think that that is a bit much for them, and may be you?

Why should your granddaughter like you unless she finds you likeable? It's not automatic just because you happen to be related. Let her find her own way and, if you are likeable (which from your OP seems very likely), she'll like you – eventually.

Hopefully the therapist will be able to discover why you have these feelings when not instantly loved by a small child.
I wouldn't worry about it because you are there for the long term so you have plenty of time in your side. I think you need the laid back approach. I thought the story of rubylady's DGS saying 'can this one stay?' very funny and wouldn't have expected the parent to have waded in saying it wasn't kind to granny, I don't think a small child has the maturity to connect wanting an uncle to stay to meaning Granny can go. At that age it tends to be a novelty if they get a man playing.
You need to go with the child's personality. I didn't like being hugged as a child or adults too much in my space. I adored one of my grandfathers and was his shadow apparently, but that was just because he talked to me and showed me things.

I do think that the parents can make the bond better between their children and grandparents. If this sort of thing happens then the parents/parent could sit on the floor with child and granny and play and if the child sees that the parent accepts this person, then they will come to trust too.

My DGS was playing with my brother, hide and seek, (my brother was shattered!) but my DD said "last time now, they have to go soon" DGS said "can this one stay?" pointing to my brother.DD burst out laughing. It was funny, but I was hurt too. Maybe she should have said to him that that wasn't nice and Granny had come a long way to visit too. Anyway, brushed under carpet or wood floors these days! lol

Danericbob Maybe you could get some finger puppets and use them on facetime so that her attention is distracted from you a little but will slowly get used to you having fun with her over the internet? And ask her mummy or daddy to play alongside with you when you visit. It's all about trust, as with any relationship. Please don't take it too much to heart. It will get better with time.

Please don't take this personally as regards the little one Danericbob my 18 month old DGD looks at me and says NO NO NO very firmly, they do go through separation anxiety at this age so it really isn't aimed at you. She probably just wants her mummy or daddy. I really don't take a lot of notice and know that it will pass in time. She is still a baby and they do get very clingy at 18 months or so. Blow raspberries on her tummy, try some 'knee' games, even peepbo, roll a ball to her. Please try not to be too upset. Hugs to you xxx

I've always loved a photo of me when I was about three. I had my back turned to the camera, my chin in the air and my hands clasped behind my back.I remember it being taken quite clearly, my mother and grandmother spent ages trying to make me turn round for the camera and I remember being quite determined not to be chivied into doing something I didn't want to! That was all it was - on that occasion I didn't want to do it.

What I have learned from all these replies is: we are not alone.
Patience is the key.
And be your own person.
Thank you for sharing as I too have one of 'those' grandaughters'.

Leticia snap! My younger one used to howl when he was a baby, whenever his uncle came in the room. Absolutely devoted to him now!

I think you are making too much of this and letting it upset you when it should not. I think if you were feeling happier and more confident in yourself you would be able to laugh this off, which is what is needed and what is appropriate.

As adults we need to realise that neither our children nor GC can meet our needs, and we should not want them to.

GC are funny things - they are not aware to start with how much we love them; and we tend to want something in return when we have a lot of love to give. But it does not work like that. She is just a wee lass and you are the adult, and the basis of this problem is that you are taking it personally.

Maybe you need to try and stand back and think it through rationally - she is not old enough to make a conscious decision to dislike someone. If you put yourself in her shoes and try and look at it through her eyes (the eyes of a little human being who has inhabited this world for less than 2 years and is trying to make sense of it) then you will see that she is confused and anxious and needs to be allowed some space.

You do not need her "approval" - she is too young to give it even though you want it.

I hope that your therapist is able to help you to rise above this and ask yourself why you feel that you need this child's affection in order to be happy - this is a bit of a burden for one so young, and if she is able to sense this, then it is not surprising that she is reacting negatively.

Play it cool - as phoenix said, read a book out loud (even if she is not on your lap), get some game going on the other side of the room and one time she will show an interest. Don't hedge her in - give her space to make HER decision to join in.

And yes - one week out of four is too much indeed - my DDs would be driven nuts if I did that!

One of mine used to cry when he saw his uncle! He was fine once he got a bit older!

My two at that age were both very suspicious of me, which I think is quite healthy. I kept my distance. They stay with me (with their parents) three times a year for a week at a time, and by the end of each visit they were friendly but not huggy. When they got to three, things changed. Not overly huggy, but they would sidle on to my lap if they wanted a story. They were cared for by their other grandma for three days a week for a while, and once she came up too. Only the older one wanted to know me! It was a bit upsetting, but I know that they get very excited when they know they are coming up here to stay, they love it.

They don't hug her either. They just sit on her lap. We both get kissed goodbye, as DD was very affectionate it does feel strange to me, but she says they have always been like it with everyone, very suspicious until they know people well. Just because I am a blood relative, it does not mean that they know me. The six year old is perfectly happy straight away to see me, the three year old takes an hour or so still to settle down and stop glaring at me! I think it's quite funny. I laugh at her and she then relaxes.

Thanks (mostly) everyone for your support and understanding.

My DGD as a child used to scream at the sight of me. I loved her to bits but couldn't get near her. She is now a lovely young lady who hugs me to death always wants to sit with me and is absolutely delightful. We are very close.

Don't worry, just be kind to her and bide your time.

they are so changeable at that age, your little one will probably be totally different the next time you see her.

One of my GDs was like this, she wouldn't look at me or anyone who wasn't her mum till she was about 2.5, she used to hide behind her mums legs and cry if mum was out of the room. I just played a waiting game, just blowing her a kiss and asking her to show me her toys whilst mum was still there, not getting in her face, remembering one of mine was a incredibly clingy at the same age. She is now 7 and a delight, still a bit shy with new people, but happily stays with me and moans about going home!

When DD1 was returning from a work trip with serious jet lag I was helping out with the children. Because they knew mum was there but asleep behind closed doors they sat with backs to the door glaring at me. Nothing , nothing I could do to get them to move . And if looks could kill.... Fortunately DD woke up at their lunch time so they came to the table. When I called the older child darling she said I'm not your darling. They were three and one. They are very loving and sweet nowadays. Don't worryOP it will pass

I think maybe you have to remember that she is not a favourite toy that the other grandmother has taken away from you. She is a little person with her own fears.

If she cries at you facetiming her, then maybe she associates your face with you being a bit too pushy wanting her to be kissy-cuddly when she didn't want to. It can be overwhelming for a small child when a large person gives them unwanted hugs.

Back off a bit, and cut down a bit on the one week in four visits too. Have interesting toys and bits and pieces for her to see when you do see her, and let her chase you, instead of you chasing her. Relax about it. If you are uptight and tense, she will feel it. It will come right with a little time and patience.

I suspect you may be unhappy already, about something else, and that is why it upsets you so much that you feel you need therapy. If you do go that route, your therapists will get you talking about your life as a whole, and may lay bare other areas of tension - and clear them up.

Get a book she likes, sit down on the floor and start reading it aloud, as if you were reading it to yourself.

Now, just in case anyone says that is too young for books,I was laid up (as in even having to use a commode ) with sciatica when DS2 was only 8 months old, my mother had to move in to help. The only thing that I could do with him (apart from very awkward attempts to cuddle!) was look at a book with him after his lunch and before bed.

OK, it was limited to "Where's Spot?" and "Whats in the Jungle, let's find out" but he loved it. When anyone picked up these books and started reading aloud, he crawled over to them, just so as to be able to see the pictures.

I would think that you are just trying too hard and expecting too much.
I remember when mine were small there were some people where I had to explain that they needed to leave them alone and give them space and time.