Re: sisterly affection....don't make me laugh

I'm going because if I don't it will be held against me and I can't stand the thought of my 'bad behaviour' being brought up over and over again by my mum. She's got enough sticks to beat me with already without me giving her another.

Also, and I know this is daft, I don't want to upset my mum.

I'm a very well conditioned/trained daughter. I know I'm on a loser but the child in me still wants my mum's approval.

I know I'm a very sad person

Oh dear, I do agree.

You know it'll probably be horrible, and might set you back again health-wise, vampirequeen - is it really worth it?

Well you have a choice there. I personally would not go I think you will feel uncomfortable with the atmosphere and will get yourself into a state again. Be pleasant in making an excuse and phone your sister to say Au Revoir.

Why are you going, FFS? (pardon my French!)

Well the saga continues. I have been ignored since the birthday party. Not a problem on my part because to be honest the less I see of my sister the better.

Today the phone rang at 8am. DH answered. It was my mum. No 'hello' for him. No pleasantries. Just said 'It's xxx mum. Is she still in bed?'

She told me that as it's my sister's last day in the UK they're going out for lunch and I was welcome to go provided I could pay for myself. Oh and could DH bring me (not stay just bring me). I said he couldn't because he had to go to Leeds tomorrow. She humphed a lot and then said, 'Well how will you get there?' Mum has a car but obviously she doesn't want to pick me up.

She then said that my daughters are going. So obviously it's all been arranged before today and I've been added as an afterthought.

Now I have to ask my daughter to collect me even though she lives much further away than my mam does.

From the 'you'll have to pay for yourself' comment I assume that mum knows a version of what happened on her birthday even though I went to great lengths not to let her know as I didn't want to spoil her day.

Can't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Jings - its when I have met someone, or seen someone on a bus, or in a pub, and they have changed their face to look exactly like someone else I know. It sounds ridiculous, I know, and if it had happened only once, then I would shake it off. But it happened lots of times and other similar things, when I was finding out about family secrets. No need to go into detail about that, though -

I sometimes think I'm a virtual person - so many people just don't seem to be able to see me - especially high school kids!

that was to onmyown btw.

"But virtual people outside, on the street, at meetings, social events, when I spot them they scare me and I am very wary, or I move away"

I think they would scare me too.

How do you spot "virtual people" in the street?

Thanks soontobe. VQ I used to be very trusting, but not now. You are not alone with this, unfortunately. With people I quite like but still don't trust, I go into a suspended-disbelief mode which works quite well. And sometimes when in conversation with someone I feel the need to say, calmly and quietly, that I don't trust anybody. That makes me feel stronger and I hope stops too much bull********.

The 6-month rule is a good idea, soontobe - a nice long probationary / cooling off period!

onmyown - glad the horrible experiences are a lot less.

I understand what you are saying vampirequeen.

Trust has to be earned. I normally give people 6 months before I decide whether to trust them.
So sorry they have rocked your world.

I feel I have more control on the internet. If I don't like someone for whatever reason I can block them or not answer.

Since childhood I have been stabbed in the back many times by people I have trusted so now I find it difficult to trust anyone.

Soontobe - virtual people are fine online, I think I can spot them fairly easily and then respond in a virtual-people-appropriate way - cautious, flippant, serious, happy - whatever. But virtual people outside, on the street, at meetings, social events, when I spot them they scare me and I am very wary, or I move away. After decades of not knowing they existed I then had lots of horrible experiences for a while - hardly any now, though.

So you are not afraid of vitual people?

I dont want to pry, just trying to help.
You dont have to answer.

VQ so glad you are feeling better.

You say your mum "was genuinely surprised when she saw everyone there". Appearances can be deceiving. I believe that people regularly act as though they are genuinely surprised when a surprise party is thrown in their honour (although they knew about it really).

Vq "wanting to do something for me is a sign of mental illness whereas other people are just being assertive"
That smacks of transferance. Not your's, their's. It's because the other person is threatened by your position. They use your mh as an excuse to make you feel inadequate. It's so pathetic really. I come on here from the other end of the spectrum. My cyber-self is a toned down version of the real me. I find it hard to tolerate other people's lack of emotional intelligence in dealing with those less strong.

I'm not the same person in the real world as I am in the virtual world. In the virtual world I can be the person I am but in the real world I'm the person I was conditioned to be. Sometimes the real me breaks out but only rarely. When it does people assume the difference is due to my mh issues. So it seems that wanting to do something for me is a sign of mental illness whereas other people are just being assertive .

This may be a silly question, but I assume that you see yourself as weak?
I am not so sure from your posts, that you are.
I think that inside of you, there is a tiger waiting to get out.

DH tries to gently break my conditioning. It usually ends up with us both laughing as I try to be assertive and it all goes pear shaped. The latest attempt is that I have the TV remote controls. Usually when he comes home I automatically put them on the sofa next to him. When I come back from putting the kettle on they're back where I usually sit. This then becomes a cat and mouse game with the remotes moving backwards and forwards. And don't get me started on him trying to get me to choose what we watch on the TV

vampire What a lovely dh you have there

I'm on the mend. It will take some time but DH is very supportive and makes it easier.

My mum isn't very supportive although she's been better since she left me alone in Morrisons and I had a massive panic attack which led to ambulance being called. Although she does still refer to my self harming and panic attacks as 'those daft things you do'. My sister is the the golden child but it wasn't a fix between the two of them because mum was genuinely surprised when she saw everyone there.

I'll gradually put it all behind me. I'm afraid I was trained to be a doormat from an early age. It was easier to agree with my mum that deal with the fallout and I haven't ever really broken that conditioning.

How are you today?

Been there, got the t-shirt. Its taken years for me to stand up for myself and not be treated like a doormat. When I started, a friend said to me "You need to think about yourself and your needs" and I genuinely did not understand what she meant, for some years.

Now I just walk away from situations like this. You were great at the party, not spoiling it for your mum and your children, but - - -

Your mum doesn't sound supportive of you - banning your partner (and father of your much-loved stepchildren) from her house. Have you thought that your mum and sister might have fixed this up between.

And I suggest you should not overprotect your children. Give them the chance to see you refusing to being treated like a doormat.

Have just read this. Well done VQ I do admire the way you handled everything.