Re: sisterly affection....don't make me laugh

My dad was obsessed with his job. He had a calming effect on my mum but not much.

I will go because I won't give anyone the chance to say I snubbed my sister. It's hard to explain why I feel the need to prove to others that I'm not snubbing her. I think it's to do with people thinking I'm jealous of her. It's impossible to prove that you're not jealous of someone.

My daughters are creatures of my making. I brought them up to be really close so that they would always have each other to rely on no matter what anyone else did. I knew their dad would always be a total waste of space and for many years I believed he was dying (another long story lol). I decided that it was better for them to rely on each other rather than on me plus I spent a lot of my life protecting them from what what happening between me and their dad.

Although we're close it's not the really close relationship some children have with their parents.

I'm wondering why your daughters aren't more supportive of you, vampirequeen.

I know you said they didn't tell you about the lunch in case you weren't invited, but don't they realise what your sister and their grandmother are like?

I can understand that you'll feel guilty if you don't go, and will risk being humiliated yet again if you do. I do wish you'd be kinder to yourself, but whatever you decide, we are all behind you and hope you're going to be OK

Vampire - it is because of this insouciant ability to hurt you that I really do not think you should waste your time trying to "stick up for yourself" when it comes to your mother. You can get out of this lunch without attempting to be challenging or assertive. There are other ways of wriggling out of it.

What does your OH think you should do? - he knows you best and wants the best for you. It is clear that we all think you should avoid it at all costs because it will give you far too much grief that you can do without - but I wonder what his thoughts are.

I read somewhere that if a person has been conditioned for x number of years, it can take the same number of years to become unconditioned.

Did you dad give in to your mum as well?
[you dont have to answer me unless you want to. I would hate to think you would do it because you feel that you must]. But I think you are thankfully able to be yourself on here, so sock it to us if necessary!

I don't think my mother even realises she does it. That's why she's so hurt if I do stick up for myself. I can never remember a time when it's not been like this. Long story...complicated childhood.

vampirequeen. You really have not annoyed anyone. Please don't think that is the case.

You understandably needed to vent about your mother and sister's behaviour and our responses have been only to support you as we are angry on your behalf. You do not deserve the treatment either of them are dishing out to you and I hope you understand that but I also hope you find some inner strength to decide, I've had enough grief from these people, family or not and, this time, you be the one to call the shots.

Life is too short and there is no excuse for your mother's or your sister's behaviour. It is time for the worm to turn and sweep out those who are causing you misery.

I've only just read this thread and am amazed at the grace and dignity you have shown.

I would say that dearly as I would love to be there it is such short notice that it is inconvenient(-you haven't had time to go to the bank in case you are expected to pay for everyone-) You could add that you are delighted that your daughter will be there representing you ,your DH and family. And ya boo sucks to them.

When she says that she is hurt, do you think that is genuine?

What Gill said with knobs on!

My Mum never said she was proud of me for anything - my musical or academic achievements. I have learned to live without that and so can you I am sure.

The idea of you and OH doing something nice together while this lunch goes on is a splendid one.

Please do not give yourself unnecessary grief.

We really are all rooting for you!

We are all on your side vampirequeen and any angry comments that I have made are aimed at your dreadful sister and (sorry) equally dreadful Mother. You have made a huge success of your life despite these people, you have had a good education, have raised a lovely family and are much loved by your DH and lovely new family. Your DH and his children and your daughters see a loving wife and Mother, and they choose to spend time with you, they want to be with you, so are you saying that they are wrong to love you? Just send a text don't go to lunch, why not take your DH out to lunch instead? Just the two of you? He is the one who deserves your time and attention and wants to be with you. You have been very brave describing the horrors you have experienced, and very eloquent in your description of your mental health issues, so much so that you have made many other people open up on here about the misery they have suffered from their Mothers. You have helped us all, now start to help yourself.

Sorry I misinterpreted your replies. I'm more used to being put down than supported

I know it's childish to still crave my mum's approval but it's ingrained in me. I have tried not to care and not to do it but then she is hurt and I can't bear that. Yes, I know I'm being manipulated. It's how it's always been. I can't remember a time when it wasn't like this.

Just once I'd like to hear my mum say she's proud of me. I know it will never happen but I crave it so badly I have to keep chasing it.

She nearly did it once. I was the first in the family to get a degree. I passed with a 2:1. She was quite pleased but then my sister got first a few years later so now mum tends to remind me that she did better than I did. I try to see the funny side...well if I didn't I'd go totally insane.

We are all on your side.

Heaven's above! - NO-ONE is annoyed at all! We just want you to have some peace and happiness.

I'm sorry I've annoyed you all. It wasn't my intention.

How dare they ask your husband to take you to the lunch and not invite him. This is as insulting to you as it is to him. Furthermore, asking you to come if you could pay for yourself is equally insulting. How can you bear to continue to seek approval from a mother like yours. She deserves no approval from you or from anyone else.

I have been looking at other threads vampire and your contributions to them are always kind, sensible and well-balanced; as are the descriptions of your parenting skills.

What are you doing wasting all that good sense and kindness on these dreadful people who just want to make trouble for you? You are allowing them to make you feel inadequate - maybe you should choose now not to let them do that to you any longer.

I know that you have a mental health problem - and I admire you for your honesty about that - and these sort of problems can undermine confidence and encourage feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps you should think of it in the same way as diabetes or something similar - you would not allow that to make you feel inadequate.

You can fight this situation by taking control - just because you have an ongoing mental health problem does not mean you cannot make decisions that put you in control.

Don't give in to these manipulations - time to break the habits of a lifetime!

The children haven't been ostracised. They had been invited but....their mum was an afterthought!! These people are definitely playing with your head. Make a stand now, DO NOT GO.

Allow this to continue and they will cause a division between you and your girls, which is clearly what they are aiming to do.

You need not even speak on the phone to your sister. A text message would be easier, making up an excuse. Your mother will just have to believe you or not, as she thinks fit, and you can take her to lunch at a later date if it eases the guilt, asking her to pay for herself if you are brave enough ! Oh, how well I remember my manipulating mum, if only she had realized that she got less attention when behaving that way.
I suggest you put the whole episode behind you and concentrate on your own well-being.

well said mishap. turn inwards and look after your own lovely family and your own health. Ask yourself: Would I choose to be friends with people like this? People who apparently dont like me, ostracise my DH and children? No you wouldn't so dont let it happen just because of an accident of birth. You will feel so much better for standing up to them, better than you will tomorrow if you go along with this charade of happy families.

Right - here goes.....why the hell are you even considering going to this? Your blooming mother has you in thrall and now is the time to break free.

The last episode made you so ill and you cannot afford to repeat this. Does your kind DH want to pick you up again? - he must be so concerned for you. Don't go for his sake if nothing else, let alone yours.

You will simply have to acquire a fictitious tummy bug to get out of it without causing a general family fuss. There will be those who might guess it is fictitious, but they will not be able to prove it.

You are being manipulated like a puppet on a string - cut the strings and get on with your life. You do not need this ghastly sister in your life and know is the time to distance yourself from your mother's machinations too.

Sorry to be blunt, but as a previous poster said FFS!

You are your own woman - you are not a leaf to be blown around by the evil gales that members of your family generate.

YOU ARE NO LONGER A CHILD!!!! You do not need your mother's approval!!!!

Don't go. It will make you ill and give these bullies masquerading as family yet another chance to be horrible. I have never been invited to lunch and told to pay for it myself, it is rude to be frank. Your Mother doesnt deserve your concern for her welfare as she doesnt have any concern for yours.

No one has mentioned it. My girls were worried that I wasn't going to be invited so thought it better not to tell me.

Did your daughters not mention this to you?

Considering how ill the last fiasco made you, do you not think this is something you could do without?

You must think of yourself and your own family.