What constitutes being a proper grown up?

Feetlebaum I hope you are doing well. It is strange how at times of great personal shock one's first thoughts can be so lateral.

When DMiL became suddenly and terminally ill with cancer. My first thought was, 'Whose going to look after DD after school?' followed by immediate remorse that my first thought had been so self centred, since then a number of people have described similar reactions and I realise that when one is suddenly given such shattering news, we instinctively grab at a practical reality in the situation to stabilise ourselves before dealing with the trauma of the news we have just received.

Yes Feetlebaum focus is a good word.

Unlike you I'm not the first though in my family but it's different nowadays. It's not the "shameful secret" it used to be,( although I know some people are not happy to talk about it).

I hope you are doing all right at present , and I send you my love and good wishes.

@judidoo - It does tend to focus one a bit, doesn't it? All I could think of to say was 'Oh - that'll be a first in my family! They all died of heart or TB...' which wasn't very helpful...

I lost my mother twenty years ago . We were very close and used to laugh together about the daftest things. I didn't grow up when she died, just felt very sad, and without an outlet for all those jokey things we had shared.

I think I grew up the day I had the cancer diagnosis. It really does bring you down with a bump. I'm still around though, and some of the fun is creeping back but underneath I see people and the world in a very different way. - And, yes I think I,m a lot more tolerant than I was so even this thing has had some good in it.

Meanwhile, I still have things I want to do.............

I began to feel like a grown up when I had grandchildren and had my children actually asking me for advice. Sadly the grown up bit disappears as soon as I start playing with the children

Being grown up doesn't preclude doing silly and foolish things, but it does mean taking your responsibilities seriously and not shirking them taking responsibility for your own behaviour and any adverse affects that may result.

I think there comes a point when one's children are more grown-up than we are. I remember realising that point had come with my DD1 when she was about sixteen.

You have to be 'grown-up' when you have no-one left to fall back on. I sometimes feel I am in danger of using my DS1 as support. Not that he's reluctant to give it - far from it. He is one of the most mature people I know, having sown plenty of wild oats in his youth.

hmm not sure what is "grown up" after all! some of us take a trip to a "virtual party" lol where we can escape grownupism..

Is anyone "grown-up" all the time? There are times in life when we all want our mums. Even at this late stage.

On my 17th birthday, a visiting relative of my neighbour asked me what I planned to be when I grew up. With a withering look I responded, 'But I am grown up.' My parents managed to resist a snigger.

I became grown up a month after my 18th birthday. I had passed my exams, my university place was confirmed and I had just received a letter confirming my grant and I suddenly realised from now on my life was my own to make or mar.

For 18 years family and teachers had been telling me what I thought, how I should react to problems and making me do things their way. There was nothing I could do about it because I was dependent upon them. Now I was independent. I was going to a university as far from home as I could manage. Among people whose view of me had not been shaped by other people. With O levels and A levels and the experience of a holiday job I knew I could earn my own living.

Life since then, like most peoples has had heights and depths, I have made good decisions and disastrous ones, but nothing has ever equalled the surge of happiness when I realised I was an adult at last and henceforth could manage my own life no matter what other people thought.

I do hope I never become a "grown up" . I do have a lot of grown up responsibilities but always try to see the funny side of things whenever I can. There is nothing I like more than having a "bit of daft carry on" and the less serious the better. God knows things can be miserable enough here !

Being grown up could, imo, be down to being confident in yourself and your opinions but ready to accept that others may not think along the same lines.

Also, learning that compromise is a good thing rather than seeing it as defeatist.

I have three children, 38, 34, & 30 the youngest has been 'grown up' for about 5 years. I'm still waiting (in vain) for the other two. For myself I think I was forced (like rhubarb) to grow up from about 5. It probably accounts for my anxieties. I am now going to try to reverse that trait.

I think I realised I was a grown up the day my mother died. My father had died 15 years earlier. It doesn't mean I always act like a grown up, but it's a bit of a wake up call when you're no longer someone's child.

DS said he knew he was grown-up the day he and partner went to B&Q for DIY materials for their house and met friends doing the same and they stood in an aisle and talked home improvement. He wasn't sure whether to be proud or sad.

my mother thinks I should grow up and stop wearing leggings as they show my big bum, I always wear long tops with leggings so she is just whingeng. I aslo wear flat ballet pumps and she says I will get bad feet but my feet are almost perfect cos I wear no shoes at all indoors. Mums feet are all pointed due to wearing pointed toe shoes in the forties. Im having a pink tint in my hair too soon so she will go mad. don't think I will ever look grown up, (however I feel about 90 sometimes).

Just read the comments about music, DS recently found some 'great music' by a new guy called Ray Conniff which he pronounced Con if. We told him how to pronounce it and that is was from our era! He wasn't really surprised, he thinks we had all the best music!

It's been said before, but that doesn't make it any less true. The similarity between small children and old people in the way that they feel that they either are or should be, the centre of the universe.

Having just returned from a 5 day 'Road Trip' following my favourite Celtic Rock band around the country I haven't yet decided when and if I will grow up and if I do what will constitute it.

Maybe a utilitarian hair do, navy low heeled shoes, American Tan tights or knee highs (with a skirt of course), shopping trolley.

Seriously though I have realised that I grew up just the other week when I began to see the world from my sometimes 'difficult' mothers point of view and became much more tolerant of her and her funny little ways.

Not weak at all Annsixty.
I had a lightbulb moment, not so dramatic as yours, when I realised at the age of 30 that I never wore black because my mother thought it was unsuitable.
I've worn black ever since.
I think being grown up combines assertiveness for your own needs, with respect for others' needs.
Not allowing others to emotionally blackmail you, and not doing that to other people.
I'd probably include financial independence too.

I have reflected on this and perhaps I felt grown up when after 10 years of marriage and the mother of an 18 month old child I moved 60 miles from my Mother and her constant critisism. I didn't have her knowing my daily routine and dropping by at any time she chose. This does make me seem weak I know but I did grow up and I never looked back. Anyone who felt as I did will understand.

Having said that, some people never grow up.

I felt grown-up when I became the older generation - when my aunt and uncle died within a week, ten years ago.