Single mother by choice - is it ethical?

Hi Ann. I know many people have difficult relationships with their parents but some of my friends had fabulous father/daughter relationships. They knew their dads would always be there for them and I was so envious.

Know just how you feel seasider my Father died when I was 11 and this was in 1949 when Fathers, mostly I must say so as not to tread on toes,were distant to the point that I hardly remember him.
It was later that I missed a male influence in my life and on reflection my husband has not lived up to the role model that I imagined and is not as close to our adult children as I hoped but is that my false perception of family relationships?

My DD and her DH having some problems just now. Not told DP yet (not her dad)and not close enough to ex-DH to talk to him. My brother is close but not good at family stuff. I was at play area today with DGC and just thinking about the situation. On the next table was a middle aged woman and her dad deep in conversation. I felt a bit emotional because I realised what a special and important relationship I have missed out on by not knowing my dad. I could have talked to him to get a male perspective on family matters. My mum was brilliant and I had a distant stepfather but I still regret not knowing my real father

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 22-Apr-14 22:12:59
Are you calling me ignorant AAAHappyman?
''Ignorance'' in this case is in its noun form. You seem to have taken it to be in its adjectival form.
I'm finding your way of posting slightly freaky.
Are you calling me slightly freaky? [Though I am ignorant of the meaning of ''slightly freaky'' .] {In this case Ignorant is used as a verb.}

Does that mean it is predicted that within the next two-three years >51% of babies will be born to women who live alone, or to women who are not married? The two are not synonymous.

'children born to lone mothers will soon be the norm'

Is that good or bad then?.

Please answer without a load of jargon, simple replies only, please.

PS'

My dear father was 'illegitimate'. He was born in 1918 and always said he found no stigma from the community where he lived, Wiltshire. He was very lucky. He also thought about where he came from to the day he died, not an unhappy man but certainly troubled by not knowing the truth of his birth, did he have unknown siblings, what did his father look like, did he know he was even born?.

It's very 'fashionable' to have a liberal view of single parenting but circumstances vary as to the reason why it has happened. For example my daughter is going through a divorce so she is now a single parent. The dad is still firmly involved with DG upbringing, thank goodness.

It is, like most things, an emotive subject but I just wish the child was the dominant consideration but at times it feels like liberal thinking leans towards women doing what they want, because it is 'their right', to hell with the consequences or the future of the child.

GD1!!!

Are you calling me ignorant AAAHappyman?

I'm finding your way of posting slightly freaky.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 22-Apr-14 10:25:33
I stand by what I said AAAhm.
A follower of Thomas Gray, I see :
... where ignorance is bliss,
'Tis folly to be wise.
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Elegran Tue 22-Apr-14 10:41:20
Don't you like women, that you see them as a sisterhood in league against men [sic]
Au contraire.
How you divined that I '' ... see them as a sisterhood in league against men.'' is beyond me. It is a truism, is it not, that an ad hominem attack is one of the signs of a weak case?
Having stood on picket lines with ''Sisters in the Struggle for equal rights.'' in the 1970s and 80s - I harbour no such perceptions. I don't recall you being on the side of we campaigners - perhaps some pix would jog my memory?
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Aka Tue 22-Apr-14 11:29:07
I think the meaning of the word has morphed AAA.
Which word, and to what new meaning, please?
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Did anyone hear the discussion on this very subject on the Today programme this morning [Tuesday] ? It would seem that children born to lone mothers will soon be the 'norm' [> 51%] in the so called Developed world in the next 2 - 3 years.

I think the meaning of the word has morphed AAA

Only some men, AAHM. By no means all, just as "the sisterhood" does not all "chortle".

Don't you like women, that you see them as a sisterhood in league against men?

I stand by what I said AAAhm.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 21-Apr-14 09:05:56
Surely the word "bastard" can now be considered extinct.
Except as a useful swearword to be applied to some men.
If a man had written this silly remark, would the sisterhood have chortled at his sage wit?
The ones I know didn't.

You have an 8- year old daughter Penstemmon? And she'd like you to get married

Or just maybe fancies being a bridesmaid...?

My DD1 (8) would love her parents to marry. Not sure if she sees it as more secure or she just wants a party!

I grew up in the 50s with my mother who was unmarried. I don't think that it was untll my late teens that I understood the implications of this. I now realize what a brave thing this was for her to do and also my grandparents who stood by her. My Mother never discussed any of this with me and to this day i know very little about my Father.

When I was pregnant with my first child and was asked about family illnesses I confidently answered that there were none. It was much later that I realized that I did not really know.

Things are so different today and mostly for the better although I sometimes wonder if they have gone too far the other way.

Agreed, jings.

Are they in a minority group any longer?

Surely the word "bastard" can now be considered extinct. Except as a useful swearword to be applied to some men.

Interesting thread. Also interesting 're stigma - although being a bastard is nothing to be ashamed of now - do you think that the child still feels "different" and perhaps ashamed? How do children feel about being in a minority group?

I grew up in a loving single parent family. But because my mother was "the only divorcee in the village" I dreaded the day each year at school where all the children had to give both their parents' initials and address in class, because I knew I would have to explain. I'd often be in tears by the time my turn came. Of course things have probably changed now, that was 1950s South Africa.

My sister on the other hand didn't mind. People are different, I was a sensitive child

Being a bastard is nothing to be ashamed of now, thank goodness. A child does not get to choose its parents.

The posts on this thread show just how complicated human relationships are, and how varied and complicated people and people's motives are, and how varied the 'results' of all kinds of child rearing. The non-constants of personality and environment (all the environments we live in, including each of our 'personal' environments) are also complicated and produce a huge variety of results.

For me, all this says just shrug and get on with life and stop trying to invent or imagine an ideal that will work for everyone. Variety. Spice....

LIFE is complicated.

I grew up with a distant stepdad who was not unkind but distant and unemotional. The effect of this was brought home to me when a close friend remarked that I was only attracted to father figures. When I thought about my past marriage and subsequent relationships she is probably right. My brother's children are disappointed that while he undoubtedly loves them he finds it difficult to show emotion or hug them. I guess this is because he had no father figure role model so the effects of single parenthood can be far reaching. We also came from an era when being a b*****d was something to be ashamed of!

I know three women who chose to have children without a long term partner. One women chose to get pregnant by a casual lover/good friend and the guy is involved both financially and caring, he is known to the child as Dad but does not live with the mother. She works f/t and her mum helps with childcare, her brother and other male friends are about. Her child is lovely and well-balanced!

Another woman had an arrangement with a chap to father her kids but no involvement . She had 2 kids by him. She was a fairly reclusive woman and they were a tight knit trio... I think both kids ended u with lots of problems.

Another woman deliberately became pregnant through casual sex. She works and her child was with a childminder. She has a wide socail circle and loyal and good friends. The child is a happy and apparently well balanced young person.

I do not think it is about ethics per se but about how well thought through it all is... not just the finance but the emotional support for mother and child. Some kids will be 100% fine and others won't but that's the same for kids born to couples too!

Is it better or worse that a couple in their 50s+ have a child via IVF?