About to seperate from Husband

I think carnationa has thought most of it through already, but I understand how she feels as she does. When you are married to someone for a long time and they are bad for you, you start to doubt that there is such a thing as a long happy marriage. I used to pretend and put on a 'face' when we went out - and assumed that everyone else was doing it too, because I had seen how unhappy my own parents' marriage was. Unless you have a genuinely happy marriage to use as a guide, you cannot imagine how it can work.
So after 16 years I left Ex and although I met DBH soon after that, it was a long time before I would move in with him and even longer before I would marry him.

I do remember very clearly thinking that everyone who said they had a happy marriage, must be lying, as I was. Now it seems daft.

Good and valid points Soutra, after all, there would be the housing aspect to consider, these days it's not just a matter of contacting the council or housing association.

What practical measures do you have in place? For instance will you keep the house? Are you financially able to cope? And will you have the support of your grown up children

Riverwalk you're so right about friends etc influencing your decision.

I never told a single soul what I had been going through during the marriage, or that I was even contemplating a divorce. Perhaps that wasn't wise, sometimes advice can help, but in the end only you know what you're going through.

Carnationa, I know we're only 'Virtual' friends on here, but sometimes it's reassuring just to know that others have been there and understand even if we can't do anything practical to help.

Life will be very different for you, but embrace the differences. It's such a cliche, but it will get better as you adjust - and you'll find out who your real friends are! It may surprise you

I'm another instigator at the 25-year mark - it was certainly the best thing for me but wouldn't dream of recommending it as a course of action unless you are certain of what you're doing and have real reasons for doing so, rather than vaguely thinking there must be something better.

Also, be careful of friends and associates who encourage you, from the security of their own marriages.

What I am certain of is I'm very happy that I won't be reaching the 50-year mark and regretting that I didn't make the move, as so many people, particularly women, do.

I've had two very traumatic divorces, one after 25 years and one after 18 months.
I'm very happy on my own now, but I would never encourage anyone to get divorced without a great deal of thought and calm consideration of the situation.

Good luck carnationa whatever you decide to do.

Carnationa, it probably makes a huge difference to how you're feeling depending on who instigated the separation.

Mishap makes a very valid point that it's easy to be swayed by other posters on here.

In my case, I was the instigator after 25 years of marriage. For me it was the best decision I ever made and turned my life around.

Either way, look at it as a Watershed Moment. Take stock and don't rush into anything.

You may even enjoy some of the trivial things that you can do now that, perhaps, you felt you coudn't do before - it's amazing what we sacrifice when we're married!! Silly things such as not watching what you want to see on tv because OH doesn't like it or it clashes with 'his' programme!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but GNs will keep your spirits up

Men are not useless Cactus60 what a sweeping statement that was.

I do hope that your decision to seperate has been one you have thought about for a long time carnationa. Good luck in whatever path you decide to take.

Nothing to say about splitting up as I have no experience so cannot help. However Cactus I think that is a very jaundiced view which I totally disagree with. My DH is not useless and neither are my DSs. I know lots of lovely men.

People can be annoying whatever their sex but men are no worse than women.

"I hear women say things like 'my husband wont let me go out at night', as if he is protecting her" Has it never occurred to you that these women are just saying that because they don't want to go? I have heard both men and women use their partner as an excuse to not do something when they are too cowardly/kind to say that it is them who doesn't want to do it.

Well said Mishap - as always.

We have seen a few comments recently that imply all men are awful so, as Mishap says, do be careful that it is really what you want.

I think that my advice would be to take it one step at a time, think it through and be really sure that you are doing the right thing. If the relationship is really dead (or there is abuse) then the decision is a clear one. There are ladies on here who have left a bad relationship and gone on to feel free and enjoy their new lives. But it is not a decision to be taken lightly and every case is different. So I think you need to weigh everything up - preferably with an objective outside person - so that, if moving on is the right thing, you can do so with confidence, sure that you have properly looked into the implications for you and your family.

Does your OH know that this is what you wish to do? What is his view? Are there any changes that could be made on both sides that might be helpful?

I think I am just concerned that you might be swayed by the enthusiasm from some posters, for whom breaking up has been the right thing; but you and your circumstances are unique and your decision has to be secure before taking such an important step.

If it is the only option and you are sure it is right for you, then I wish you every happiness in your new future. I am sure that you can build a new life, as many before you have done.

cactus I will print your words and put them on my fridge door

THANK YOU

cactus I will print your words and put them on my fridge door

THANK YOU [SMILE]

Not all men are useless, cactus, although even the best can be annoying at times I admit. But I suppose we women are not perfect either ?? Oh, ok perhaps we are.

Anyway, carnationa, you are taking a brave step and it will be hard but you have to do what is right for you.

Good luck and I hope you have a bright future ahead.

carnation, men are useless, glad you are getting rid asap.
You can do so much on your own, you will have no-one to tell you what to do, no more watching tv if its what he wants. Im a widow and had a lovely man but time marches on and Im fine now, I could not bear anyone telling me what to do.
I hear women say things like 'my husband wont let me go out at night', as if he is protecting her. No way, he is being possessive.
Go out and change the world, good luck girl

carnation, men are useless, glad you are getting rid asap.
You can do so much on your own, you will have no-one to tell you what to do, no more watching tv if its what he wants. Im a widow and had a lovely man but time marches on and Im fine now, I could not bear anyone telling me what to do.
I hear women say things like 'my husband wont let me go out at night', as if he is protecting her. No way, he is being possessive.
Go out and change the world, good luck girl

That's a brave decision, carnations and I wish you well.
When I did the same I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders and stepped out into a new life, happy for the first time in many years and sure it was the best thing for both of us.
I never regretted it and am so glad I didn't waste the rest of my life in a loveless marriage.

Now you have made the all important decision carnationa put a new head on your shoulders and enjoy you life to the full. ((hugs))

I left my first husband after 25 years and my life totally turned around. I am now married to the most lovely husband in a nice house and financially sound. Something I could never have hoped for before. Good luck Carnationa. I wish you every happiness in the future.

I think anyone would be a little afraid carnations, its you are thinking positively take things one at a time. My daughter has just separated from her partner of 27yrs its not been easy. She has walked away from her home and everything in it as she has left 3 of her children there with their father until she can afford somewhere to live. They are mostly grown up now. She has moved into our spare room for the time being.

Have you made plans and do you have some support?