Are you a better grandparent that a parent?

Oh Eloethan! I was just like you and the same age when I had my only child. Didn't do much ironing though! I didn't even let my son feed himself as a toddler to keep him from making a mess.Later he had trouble with fine motor control and I feel it was because of it. I was to busy doing the right thing and he missed out on a lot of cuddling,lap reading and hugs. I didn't enjoy the time like I should of.Looking forward to being a grandma someday.Fingers crossed.Better believe there will be lots of hugs!Maybe that's why grandparents are so special,they have time for lots of love!

envious That's just how I feel - I didn't enjoy my children when they were young - I didn't realise how precious childhood is and how soon it is gone. Those days were just an endless round of going to and from work, cooking, washing, ironing and cleaning.

Yes,I'm sure it was the same with our mothers.I don't remember sitting on my mothers lap.I do remember my older sister and grandmother reading to me though. I don't have a good memory of being little.I was very sickly and had such high fevers it damaged my teeth. I have veneers on two of my teeth. I do know my mother loved me dearly and our children do too!

Partly because of distance so I don't see my grandchildren very often but, no, I was, and still am, a good mum. Stuff the house, bar what needs to be hygienic. Housework doesn't grow up. Kids do. My energies went (and still are going) into trying to do my best for their development as civilised and rational human beings with a rich but calm (I don't do hecticity) background of life experiences.

I have replied to this on the other thread. With the same title.

(hate it when there are two threads)

As a parent I did the housework and shopping during the day when they were at school. And gave the attention, fun things, etc. when they were at home.

Didn't everyone?

When the grandsons come there is no school time, so obviously most of the housework goes by the board.

I'm much more patient and tolerant with my GC thanI was as a parent.

As I said on the alternative thread 'No, definitely not'. I was a far better mother than Grandmother.

Neither better nor worse, but very different.

Good answer, Orca. I agree.

My children say I am a soft touch with the grandchildren because I rush to comfort crying babies and will always read one more story when they should be going to sleep. They say it's lovely to see how they would have been cared for when they were tiny. In all honesty, I was busy and rushed like they are, so would have been less patient as a mum, but now I have the privilege of experience and lots of spare time.

Spoiling children just a little bit, is what grandparents are for. I was strict about no regular sweets when my kids were small and their grandparents went with that, but brought other treats with them when they visited.

DGS is a bit too little at present to get the "Nanna is coming" bit. I was reasonably relaxed with mine when they were small and I have never been over house proud; untidy is the word!

I could cope with "dens" built under the table sitting there for a week. My mum was the same about children's "play mess." My living room was full of toyboxes and I use to feel sorry for other toddlers who "kept their toys in their bedrooms and brought them down one at a time to play with." I am not sure how SiL will feel about that in his house.

Eloethan I get the feeling you now regret that a bit.

My two children were born 11 1/2 months apart so I never had much time
I was working full time when my first 2 gds were little and didn't see them much......now am loving my favourite baby, and I've got patience I didn't know I had!

I feel I am much better as a grandparent than as a mother. I was very young when my kids were born and I suffered from post natal depression after the first, which wasn't really recognised in those days. I had no mum or sister to help, although I had wonderful friends. I played with the children a great deal, and never cared about the mess, but I don't think I was very aware of their emotional needs, and that I am much more tuned in to my DGS now that I am older and hopefully wiser. Having said that, I think I was a good mother during the difficult adolescent years which drove some of my friends to distraction. I taught in FE and so was a bit more plugged in to that age group.

nellie Regret worrying about housework, pristine clothes, etc.? Yes I do regret it. Now I realise that, provided the house isn't a filthy dump, children aren't too worried about that sort of thing. They'd rather have fun, relaxed parents.

vegas on reflection, I think I also suffered from post natal depression after my first baby. It sounds like you're being a bit hard on yourself - I would have thought that playing with your children a lot met quite a lot of their emotional needs anyway.

I didn't get any help from my mum, who lived fairly near, and my husband worked long shifts in those days so I felt very isolated. There was seven years between my two children, and in the intervening years I became more confident, better organised and less stressed - but I still feel I could have made more effort to play with the children.

I suppose it's easier to be a good grandparent as you don't have so many other pressures to contend with.

Being a mother and being a grandparent are quite different roles with different functions. I did – and still do – the best I could as a mum and the best I can as a grandmother. That's all.

Eloethan - thank you, I think I probably am a bit hard on myself. It's a great improvement that post natal depression is now quite recognised, and treated. I think there must have been a lot of us scared and lonely mums battling on in isolation and it's great that there is now help available.

My parents were loving but emotionally restrained, not inhibited or unloving, we never doubted their love, but physical and verbal signs of affection were limited, and I was the kind of child that needed lots of overt affection.

As a result I was a very involved mother, lots of cuddles play etc. But I will confess however much I loved them and enjoyed their company, after a while I find small children, including my own, very boring. I seemed to function with the intellectual blinds half down when my children were under 5.

We live 200 miles from DGC so we see them in lumps rather than continuously and I confess that at times, much as I love them, I feel bored. There is a limit to how much time I want to be a Prince to DGD's Princess or can cope with 3 year old DGS constantly wanting me to be a scary dinosaur. It is improving all the time. DGD is nearly 6 and and now she can read fluently and has other interests we can spend lots of time talking, making and doing. Just as with DC I look forward to the days of long conversations over the dinner table and long walks and visits during which we talk about anything and everything.

As both my children still seem happy to see me I like to think I was a pretty good mother. They both have jobs and are in stable relationships and haven't succumbed to drink or drugs so I reckon that as a success. But being a granny is much more fun! Even when I was looking after my grandson five days a week I still got to give him back at night. Also you can do things you wouldn't do as a parent. I have told my grandson that I will take him to MacDonalds during the holidays - Mummy and Daddy won't because they disapprove, but Granny can get away with it.

Definitely . At 18 I was a single parent juggling a low paid job, a tiny flat in a not very nice area and my baby son. Looking back I feel so guilty for dragging him to nursery on the early bus and dragging him back again on the late one. Looking at single parents today I wonder was I right and are they wrong to choose not to work and to enjoy their children? I still work hard but spend my two days off a week with my 3 grandchildren. I "spoil" them with love and attention and feel like I might be making up for the lost time I had with my son 30 odd years ago.

Brilliant Question...This is something that I also think about Elo and I believe I am a better Grandparent that I was a Parent and it has alot to do with time as you so rightly said.

I know my Nan was a brilliant Mum to me when I lived with her for two years but I know that she was quite a neglectful Mum to my Mum.

Sorry that you miss your children, I think we can all understand that one. There is the good side though, not as much washing, not having to drag soo much shopping home, peace and quite, able to have a full conversation with DH without being interrupted.

To be serious for a sec I was totaly devestated when my oldest left home, I could not see my purpose any longer, when my second and last child left home it was a bit easier