Meanness

I agree bags . "shoulds" about minor issues are a source of much discord and unhappiness

Crossed posts, printmiss. I think you are raising the same point as I am.

If you can afford something easily, then paying for it isn't generous; if you can't afford something easily, then not paying for it isn't mean.

I'm guessing very few of the people who judge sharing costs (paying one's own share only) to be mean have rarely been short of ready cash. You'll understand my point when you are.

I understand the social graces thing, but that's a separate issue and makes assumptions, in cases such as this, of the ability to be socially graceious with money. There are plenty of valuable social graces that don't depend on money. I think they are the more valuable ones.

We had a friend who was known for his mean-ness, always the last to buy a round (if necessary), and never offering to 'treat' you. However, he was a GOOD friend, and had been brought up in a household where they had to look after every penny, so it was obviously a way of life for him, and something he was probably really unaware of. We also have another friend who is the opposite, and we have had to stop him paying for everything when we go out (he can afford it), because it became quite embarrassing.

Some people are not big on social graces. I have a BIL like that. All one can do is laugh it off really. Or head it off at the pass in certain circumstances e.g. "I think its your turn to buy a round BIL"
Absolutely no point dwelling on it.

It may be generous to pay for someone else's tea (but it is not necessarily so), but it is not mean not to.

The family may wish to dwell on the person's meanness (if they wish to keep re-establishing said person's supposed character among themselves), but it's mean to broadcast it further afield.

I think it's mean to tell stories like this about people, whatever you think of their meanness.

Petra

I had to smile at that. As they say it takes all sorts.

I think the clue here is in Petra's first sentence: "I knew my BIL was mean......". The not paying for tea was an example of meanness.
I think a spirit of generosity is well worth cultivating, if not from altruism then for the sheer pleasure it brings to the giver. I like being generous because I think it's a good trait, but also, if I'm honest, because I enjoy the way I then feel about myself.
(I've also been on the receiving end, many times, of other people's generosity.)

My mother was like that!

Presumably petra you know he is not so short of money that he cannot afford to buy the tea? Some people are like this. I recently read that one way of not buying your round is to rush to the pub first and open the door for the others so that they get to the bar first!

Oh , I would be ashamed of myself to even think of such thing , as asking for money .

But we only have the face of it so we have no right to judge.

On the face of it, to me it seems unreasonable not buy your brothers a cup of tea!

Quite.

I wouldn't do it, but it doesn't seem unreasonable.

That would always be my first assumption, rather than meanness.

I suppose it couldn't just be that he isn't well off and has to be careful with money, could it?

merlot

I hope he paid for his biscuit!