Sad news - how to help

Reading all this is bringing back so many memories and I feel so sad for them. I had 2 miscarriages before DS1 and then another 2 which were much worse having actually held my own baby. Then I couldn't get pregnant and ended up going for tests where DH insisted he have a sperm count. (unusual in those days, men had to be carefully persuaded) He turned out to be some kind of super stud which made me feel even worse as it was clearly my 'fault'. Eventually I got pregnant but had so many threatened miscarriages that I had to sit with my feet up for most of the pregnancy. Another 2 miscarriages then pregnant again but had to rest, go in at 14 weeks to have a stitch put in my cervix then rest, rest, rest. At 19 weeks rushed into hospital to miscarry but hung on until 37 weeks when I had a ceasarean because the dead twin was lying in the way!

Yes, I do understand the heartbreak and can tell you how very alone I ffelt every time. My mother treated me as if I had done something wrong and no one wanted to talk about it. At least now it is talked about and there is an association to help but none of that matters to the people concerned.

The last thing anyone should do is give advice or offer platitudes like, well there must have been something wrong with it, or, you will ahve another when the time is right etc. etc. I had so many stupid things said by well meaning people but please do not pretend you understand when you don't. I am shaking as I write this, it still hurts after such a long time.

Just love them and let them talk.

So sorry to read your news Mishap, a very sad situation for you and your sibling. Your niece will undoubtedly be heartbroken. My DD also went through several IVF cycles and finally decided to give up. The IVF did dreadful things to her body and she felt and looked very ill sometimes, I was almost relieved when she told me that she wasn't going to try with IVF again. She had a successful natural pregnancy a couple of years later and has gone on to have two healthy happy children. Sometimes perhaps we try too hard and when you are no longer hoping and waiting every month your body relaxes and nature takes over. Hope this may be the case with your niece too.
glass is right - you must not let this affect your joy for your own DD
Take care

I think I would send a letter of condolence and say I hope that, though always very welcome, they won't feel obliged to visit if being around pregnant women /babies is still too raw. That way I acknowledge their grief but give them the control to visit or not. I might include the details of the miscarriage association too.
You know your niece so know if this would be a good way to proceed orif it would cause more upset for them,

My own elder DD has tried IVF 3 times, and the last time she had 2 eggs implanted..after the necesary time had elapsed she rung me excited that she had done a preg test..and it had showed posotive!!! we had to rush to Manchester to St Marys.....only to be told.....it was just the drugs making the test show posotive! she gave up after that..she si 37 this year,

Gagagran - that is a very sad story, but I am glad that there were two happy endings for you.

Many thanks for the link goldengirl - a great suggestion, and I will try and pick the right moment to suggest it if it arises.

This couple have put so much into trying for a child - money, time, health risks and emotions that it feels especially sad. And it is one of those situations where there is so little you can do to help. I feel we are not the right people to help as my D's pregnancy is inevitably on everyone's mind.

It's so very difficult to know how to help but just let her know you're there for her if she needs someone to talk to. It's so very raw at present so it might be some while - if at all. And her partner / husband may need someone too. The Miscarriage Association www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk would also offer support. My thoughts are with you all.

Heartbreaking. I was in a slightly similar situation a couple of years ago and, if I'm honest it probably did detract from some of the pleasure I had from seeing my own grandchildren, added to which I was so worried that they would sense what I was feeling. My own mum lost countless babies so it has always been something in our family that we are aware of. Those that can have children are so very very lucky. I think once you do become a mother that maternal feeling reaches out beyond your own children along with a desire to protect others from pain. The pain of the longed for child must be the greatest pain there is.

This brings back my own distressing memories. In 1968 I came off the pill - one of the very early ones and only prescribed for married women. I didn't have another period and soon trotted off to the GP who gave me an internal and said I was pregnant. Great happiness and excitement followed and lots of preparations for the much wanted babe. We decorated a nursery and I knitted lots of matinee coats, bootees etc. Friends passed on nearly-new things too and we were fully equipped very quickly.

I went to the hospital maternity clinic every month and was passed through the system as normal - no problems encountered at all. I gave my notice at work - I was in the Civil Service and there was not maternity leave or part time work option. So ... I got to 27s week and was still as flat as a pancake, although I had felt fluttering movement and my boobs had grown. I decided I had better ask about the lack of a "bump" at my next antenatal.

All hell broke loose then - Doctors came from far and wide to examine me. Half said yes everything was OK and half said they were unsure. Whatever, I was not allowed to leave the hospital - taken to a ward full of pregnant women and endured lots of examinations both internal and external and several urine samples were taken away to be tested.

After 2 days I was told to get up, get dressed and go home. I was definitely not pregnant after all. There was no explanation, no sympathy and the only follow up was an appointment with the Consultant - Mr Big Cheese - in 6 weeks.

I could not bear to go into the nursery at home. I could not bear to tell everyone that I had had a phantom pregnancy and there had never been a real baby at all. It was dreadful because that baby had been so wanted and so real. I had felt it move! I felt both a fraud and a fool. I was devastated as was DH. We mourned that phantom baby for a long time.

When I did eventually see the old and gruff Consultant he said the high dosage pill had been too much for me - it made the body think it was pregnant which thus prevented conception but in my case had made the symptoms so strong that everyone had been fooled.

There was a happy ending. In 1971 I had my DS and in 1973 my DD but the loss I felt in 1968 was so real. My heartfelt sympathies go out to all young Mums and Dads and their families who are suffering the loss of a baby.

mishap I feel for you all.
We went through this not too long ago with DD, she had to have both her little ones IVF, she was told she would never fall pregnant naturally, it did happened but sadly the pregnancy failed she felt as though she had been given everything she had wished for and then to have it all taken away. It is very difficult to know what to say as I found it was usually the wrong thing, I just tried to be there when she needed a shoulder to cry on.

There is also a baby in our family born at the time DD baby was due and I know she looks on that baby and sees what she has lost so it tears at her heart strings, but she also feels joy for the other family, its a see-saw of emotions.

But mishap you have to enjoy and look forward to your expected new arrival and try not to let the sad situation leave a shadow over your joy, your neice would not want that.

I'm really hoping that they do not try the IVF again - it has been going on for many years and the emotional roller-coaster is agony - so many disappointments and some health problems caused by the treatment - she had a bad reaction to the drugs and had to be ambulanced into hospital on one occasion.

Let us hope that they will decide to look at the adoption route.

It feels uncomfortable having our happy situation when compared to theirs - we almost feel we should not be enjoying it - it feels so cruel. Silly I know.

Oh, I'm so sorry Mishap. This has happened in my family, too, nephew and wife had a try with IVF and lost the pregnancy. They were told they had positive news in that she did get pregnant, but they've decided not to try again and will apply to adopt a child now. Such sadness for couples who struggle to have children.

I know what it's like. My DD was third time lucky at 37!

Oh, mishap! How heartrending. Poor girl.