Lil's Bar

I close my eyes when I enter Lil's bar, and try not to hear what's being said, especially whenever I have to nudge past gramps and Pete's scruffy table. Do those two live here, or what? My seat in the snug awaits. I shall enjoy a half pint of Pimms [in my own clean glass] and read the Financial Times. Not because I have any stocks or shares [or indeed any savings] but so that I at least appear to be knowledgable regarding such matters.

Think you're wasting your time there, soop! The regulars will probably just think you're reading Gay News...

What's that about Gay News. I just love these happy stories. We used to sing a song ,some words were, "We'll all be happy and gay". How language changes.
I used to be "hot", now I'm "cool" I used to be clever , funny even, now I'm "wicked", which meant "bad" then. No wonder wot um confused or wot,

I think this thread is dying a death without more input from our Matron. I hope Nellie is ok and just busy, it would be sad if she feels she cannot be as open and funny as she was before.

Ella Our Nellie has a few problems at home...what with a broken-down boiler and lazy plumber. She also feels that, having unintentionally offended some members, she needs to keep a tight rein on her imagination. I so enjoyed her barmy wit. Not giving up just yet. Once the boiler's been fixed, she could come storming back to Lils. I sincerely hope so. There is so much gloom and doom going on in the world. Nellie is a breath of fresh air and she never fails to cheer me [along with many others].

Yes, I think we're all being a bit more constrained in our posts than we used to be! Some Gnetters genuinely do find innuendo and double entendres offensive, and it's best to err on the side of caution.

I heard from a secret source that Matron is undergoing a course on "keeping your patients patient". She has a very difficult exam to take in the near future.
I believe the University where she sits the exam are expecting high standards, and are asking for "volunteers" as subject material.
If your initials come within "A" to "Z" you are eligible!
Aint that clever of me. I translated it all from a stone scroll wot I found in the coal cellar at the Pub. Very difficult to unscroll a stone tablet it were too an all!
Pete 'elped me carry it up. 'Es complaining now, just 'cos it fell on 'is big toe 'n made it go squishy like! 'Es looking fer Matron, so I'se sent 'im up to Lunnun Bridge to find us a couple of student nurses wot can do toes!

I see your elocution lessons have worn off, gramps!

Hypnotism! I were warned wot it may not be a viable continuous remedy for such a malady as wot is the constructibility of such!
An' that it may change in to verbal garbage at any inappropriate moment, like wot's 'appynin' nah like.
Wot a flippin pre dicky mint - 'N no flippin' Matron!!

Oh Gramps what shall we do with you? If it's not problems with your beard, or lifting priceless vases from the bar [to flog on Ebay] you're trying to unscroll a stone tablet you claim was in the cellar. Are you sure it isn't an ancient grave-stone? Now that you've dropped it on Pete's toe, is it still whole? The stone - not his toe. Matron has a way with wonky digits! Do hope that you haven't disturbed a spooky spirit. There suddenly appears to be an awful lot of stuff flying through the air in the bar...and it's not all false beards, crisps, pork scratchings and dogs, large and small....

Thanks soop, I don't personally think Nellie said anything offensive, very smutty, yes! But oh so funny!

Nothing wrong with innuendo, after all, it's in the mind of the reader!

Nellie/Matron Please get your old boiler sorted and the plumber off his a**e, and come back, cheeky as ever.

xxx

That's the style, Ella. I may text her to see whether or not she has finished with the plumber. xx

I might just stay here for a while and have a G&T! It's quite rowdy out there on the forums at the moment!

soop ust got round to catching up on this thread and read your post of yesterday at 17.55.

Wondering what is a retrobate? Disreputable old reprobate who remembers the good old kleptomaniac days but forgets he got caught again ten minutes ago?

Spooks Soopy,spooks! Uv read abaht them wots called poulticies, or sumfink like!
They are intelligent supernatural forces. They can move objects, some times quietly, sometimes-they sort of ,just chuck fings abaht like. know wot I mean?I had a friend who could sometimes help remove them. They need somebody like our dear Matron to be stern wiv 'em!
I'm gettin' fed up wiv this 'ypno lark. Dont know wevver I'm flippin' Arfer or Marfer!! '

It does seem to come and go a bit, doesn't it, gramps?
When did you first become afflicted with the strange, contorted cockney-type accent? Did it happen overnight, or gradually infiltrate your everyday speech without your even noticing.....?

Have exchanged some humorous texts with our Little Nellie. Her [at home]kitchen is gradually getting sorted. House full of folk wanting to be fed. Nellie enjoying a glass of wine as she prepares a hog roast. Is there no limit to her considerable talents! She has her thinking cap on. Deliberating on opening a new thread...possibly a market garden. Better watch this space. Wouldn't wish to lose track of her.

Look your gum boots out, gramps and Pete ...Nellie may wish to take two willing gardeners on. Knowing her, she'll be growing some exotic weeds! Sounds interesting!

More Pot plants! Hurray! (supplies getting a bit low....)

Ana I'm off to do my duty in the kitchen [Mr soop is the chef] I'm the cleaning lady. Works well! At six sharp, I have my Saturday eve gin and tonic - a large one. A crescent moon to you all. Back tomorrow sometime.

Bye, soop! See you tomorrow.

Dear Ana,
I'm so pleased that you have the ability to understand the unpredictability of this rear condition. apparently it can in some circusses cause wirds amd riting te be , or not to be, that is the probblerm mismanaged according to it's want, to blurr from one movement to infinity! I'm only pleased that is noddy so in my casket!
It seems to have developed over or undernight!
I received a cold caller asking for me to write my name on the back of my twenty pound note, whereby giving me change of address, and five bob!
I thought about it for a while, then it suddenly hit me - I'd been conned! few hours later, after my second visit to the Therapist, for as such 'e were, This affiction came upon me.
Is it 'cos I give 'im a dud twenty pahnd note, I asks meself!
Watcha think dear Lady. Be truthful with your esteemed answer dear Ana other thing, 'e were strange, if you know what I mean. As doorman at Nell's I would have doubts about letting him in! [hmmmm]

Sorry gramps but to put it bluntly, your rear condition is giving me the pip as they used to say!

Well hi-ya to you all have you not moved an inch since I went off shift on Thursday all the scouse has gone so I think maybe I will knock up a corned beef hash for supper so we can have nice meal,I'll through in some garlic bread to go with it.I've been to my Charity shop all day and found some posh plates and bowls all matching so we will not look like a greasy spoon cafe,and I have counted how many we have so don't take a fancy to them please.To-morrow we are putting a Sunday Roast on the menu so who will volunteer to do the spud bashing and pod the peas.

I think it's just gramps' dyslexic spelling, Ella!

But sorry, gramps, I'm afraid you only have yourself to blame - falling for the old "change of address" con! I'm sure he was strange (just like your £20 note), but if you cross these unregistered Hypnotherapists they can make you do all sorts of things which would otherwise not be in your character! No wonder Lil's having doubts about leaving you in charge of the fake antique vases.

I think you should throw yourself upon Lil's mercy and confess all. She knows some pretty dodgy geezers herself who could be persuaded to pay your therapist a visit and show him the error of his ways. It'll cost you, though - no more free pints and sleeping it off under the table - but at least you'll be able to speak proper again! [stern emoticon]